13 Things A D Would Say, If It Could Talk
1) I can barely see down here so I think it’s time we got me a haircut. I don’t want to be like totally bald or have that trendy Skrillex thing. A nice trim will suffice. Come on, you always say you love how much more awesome I look after a haircut. Let’s do this!
2) Yo bro, I don’t know about THAT one. Slow your roll — let’s not be desperate.
3) Ugh, why are you doing this to me? Haven’t we been through this before? I know it clears up with a pill or two, but still. It kind of sucks for me in general.
5) I look so funny with this plastic hoodie on. Like a carrot!
6) I know we only have 5 minutes. So you know what that means — it’s “Make It Work” time.
7) Whoa. S/he seems so impressed! See all the hard work I put in for you? You could remember to thank me sometimes.
8) Sorry I let you down today, buddy. I just got really scared — you know, stage fright. But please don’t take anymore of those funny pills. I do NOT like being erect for hours. You try using all your muscle strength to stand still for long periods of time, see how you like it.
10) You should definitely trust my judgement instead of that stuffy, party-pooping blob way up there who is constantly judging me, I feel like. I don’t appreciate the way he talks down to me. Literally.
11) Hey this place is cool but, um, I don’t really think I’m supposed to be in here.
12) Now now — did you wash your hands?
13) Can you please stop splashing pictures of me all over the Internet? Jesus. I’m supposed to be a surprise treat for special people who know what to do with me. Come on my brah, you know this. Don’t put me in Craigslist ads or text me to just anybody with a 646 number.
A | A | A
Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
I’m about to finish up my sophomore fall of college, and friends from home are getting married and having babies and sufficiently freaking me out.
He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.