How To Talk To Hot Guys
There are cute guys, average-looking guys, and attractive guys. But at the tippy top of the food chain are the HOT guys. Hot guys roam the earth freely, entirely unsupervised, have perfect bodies, chiseled jawlines, modeling contracts, accents, nice cocks, and are generally better at life. Hot guys are a special breed, and you should be careful when interacting with them because they are not to be broached like normal everyday people. The thing about hot guys is that they sooo already know they’re hot, that you want nothing more than to grab hold of their piece. But get in line, betch! Hot guys have lived their whole lives being chased after by girls, boys, coaches and secondary school teachers, so they know the sight of them makes regular people precum — just a little.
Hot guys know they’re hot. When you bump into the hot guy somewhere, you’re like whoa. How does your face do that? You hope the hot guy is the one who takes your drink order. You merely go to class because the hot guy is in it. When you see him, your emotions tell you to jump on the hot guy like a jungle gym. But your rational, sexual harassment lawsuit avoiding self reminds you to tone it down you horny betch.
But are hot guys overrated? Are hot guys more likely to be douchebags? Are they more likely to cheat, more likely to have slept with a million people, more likely to be selfish in bed? Are hot guys more likely to break your heart, lie to you, or lead you on?
My approach to hot guys is 1) to pretend like I’m ignoring them altogether or 2) to be curt, almost mean. I’m sure I’m not the only person who does this — and I’m not even a mean person. It’s just…Ugh, you’re so hot you piece of shit. When we see a hot guy we don’t want to inflate his ego, and we don’t want to be another mess to add to the list of people who finds the hot guy hot.
I feel like part of the anxiety around talking to hot guys is that nobody really knows how to flirt. Hot guy, could you tell me whether it was super creepy that time I winked at you when you handed me my tea? Or what about that time I showed up at your house in a bikini with the ass cut out — too much?
When talking to hot guys, find something you two have in common. If they have a tattoo, compliment it. Ask about it. Show him yours. Or if you see they’re writing a script, ask what they’re working on. Find something else to talk to them about beyond the wonders of their absolute genetic perfection. Never tell a hot guy he’s hot, because that’s what he’s already expecting you to say. And he’ll lose interest and you’ll become another trophy.
Once you have something random to ask them about, play like you’re just disinterested enough. People are attracted to mystery, to things they think they can’t have. Don’t be desperate, complimenting them and Liking all of their Facebook updates seconds after they’re posted. The more you envelop yourself in an aura of mystery, the more likely it is the hot guy will come chasing after you. Statistically, hot guys are already going to make at least $200,000 more than you in your lifetime, so let’s not make things any easier.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”