5 Types Of Relatives You Will Encounter On Christmas Day
The Family Racist
Doesn’t every family have a resident racist? They’re a loving person and are not like a SERIOUS racist, but the kind of racist who is juust insensitive enough that you’re lucky everyone around the dinner table has the same background so nobody gets offended. The Family Racist, typically a grandmother or grandfather, is quick to spew out nonsense about the other race that everybody realizes is nonsense, but you let it slide because they’re your grandparents and you love them and they aren’t hurting anybody for real for real. But just…thank god you didn’t bring your new secret black boyfriend home this year.
The Family Diva
My family is full of fabulous divas — I have to get it from somewhere. The Family Diva is the one who works the latest fashions no matter her age. Or if not the latest fashions, Aunt Clotilda is definitely giving you a look. Her make up is flawless and her special Christmas wig is together. She’s telling you, Look, I might be 67, but I am FABULOUS. Get into these leopard print pants.
The Family Outcast
There’s always that one person who has been to prison way too many times, or if they’ve never been to prison, they’re an inexplicably hated in-law, a disliked cousin, or some other person that nobody likes. At. All. On any other day they wouldn’t even be allowed within 200 feet of the house. But it’s Jesus Day so you have to be cordial and nice and smile and make them a plate of food, even if you limit your conversations with them to the bare minimum and talk shit about them as soon as they leave.
The Family Show Off
The Family Show Off is the one who has “done better” than all the other idiots in the family. They eat fancy foods and tell mom that they can’t eat any of her fried chicken unless the chicken was organic. The Family Show Off only comes home this time of year because they want you to know how well off they are now. S/he makes more money, lives a fast life in a fabulous place, and always gives really expensive gifts that solidify their bougie taste. Nobody likes a braggart, though, so no matter how much they show off, it all comes off as kind of annoying and condescending. But generally people are nice to The Family Show Off because s/he is the only one giving everyone iPads for Christmas, so.
The Family Drama Queen
Now what’s a holiday trip home to the REAL America without a Family Drama Queen to liven things up! The Family Drama Queen spills all the tea — what your neighbors got arrested for, that bad thing the person you went to high school with did and how it got splashed on all the local news stations, and why your cousin Barbara is really getting a divorce (because her husband of one year isn’t pleasing her in the bedroom — aw, snap!). For some people the holidays are about family, food, relaxation, and presents. But nothing puts me in the holiday spirit like a big pile of gossip. Sometimes it’s great to go back home just for the drama.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”