32 Things College Students Like
1) Going out on the weekend in large packs of people, but doing the walk of shame by yourself the next morning.
2) Majoring in business. Everyone else is just wasting their time.
3) Thirsty Thursdays or other such named college-focused bar specials.
4) Getting extensions on papers, projects, and other assignments.
5) Facebook status updates about how listening to Mariah Carey and downing Red Bull are the only things that kept you alive during Reading Week.
7) Hooking up in a public area on campus. The library stacks are the best place to do this — so I’ve heard — because almost no one is there late at night, especially not on the upper floors or in the call numbers nobody ever goes to, like Medieval literature.
8) Skipping class.
9) Going home on the weekend. There’s always that person who goes home every weekend.
10) Feet shoes. Uggs. Yoga pants. Butt shorts. Tory Burch. Marc Jacobs. Apple. Urban Outfitters. Sperry Top Siders. Coach.
11) Lazy professors — the ones who never grade anything, never offer any feedback, never come to class prepared. Makes class so much easier!
12) Dubstep, a music that I do not yet fully comprehend.
13) Using Fake IDs. Having a “person” who makes Fake IDs.
14) Talking about the implications of Benjamin/Foucault/Judith Butler at the campus hookah bar.
15) Taking a women’s studies class so as to score hot chicks. Taking a queer studies class to meet other gay dudes and lesbians.
16) Going to the local pizza joint after a long night out at the bars/clubs.
17) Being Pre (insert important sounding career path).
18) Fashion objects that facilitate beer drinking.
19) Studying abroad. On the surface we studied abroad to become fluent in French, but really we just wanted to bang a ton of French people, eat a couple crêpes and maybe master a few curse words. Cursing in a foreign language is always much more elegant sounding.
20) Red cups, blue cups, and the various prohibitive liquids they contain.
21) Naked parties, naked runs, and other acts of synchronized stripping in the middle of campus. Usually occurs during finals week.
22) Hooking up with the RA/TA/Professor. Thinking it will definitely land you a better grade. Well, depending on your performance, I guess.
23) Making every purchase on campus with your college ID, never having to use real life money.
24) Making poor decisions that seem awesome at the moment, usually under the influence of alcohol.
25) If you live in the dorm, memorizing your roommates’ schedule so you know exactly how much time you have to jo before they get back to the room.
26) Road trips.
27) Spring break.
28) Dorm/House/Frat parties in which all the music played is about being at parties. HOW META!
29) Campus sit-ins.
30) Liberal political causes.
31) Flip flops, worn year round no matter the weather.
32) The number 420. The date 420, and that harmless plant 420 is associated with.
A | A | A
It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.