32 Signs You Live In New York City
1) You know who this fabulous bitch is.
2) You’re an expert at “pre-walking”– the art of walking to the exact spot on the subway platform so the train drops you off right in front of the exit of your choice.
3) You don’t have a driver’s license until well into your 20s or 30s, and when you finally have to get one because you’re taking a job in Connecticut, you go to the DMV and everyone else getting their license is 20/30/40.
4) You have never been to the Statue of Liberty and frankly you just aren’t that interested.
5) Growing up your front yard was the sidewalk, the stoop, the middle of the street, or a rooftop.
6) You know who Dr. Z is.
7) You know that the guy at your bodega always gives you a straw when you buy a bottled beverage.
8) Your parents are divorced — or you have a lot of friends with divorced parents.
9) When you pop into a pizza joint you simply ask for “a slice.”
10) You think that walking 20 blocks is absolutely faster than waiting on the train after midnight on a weekend.
11) No matter how crazy you or some of your friends are, there is ALWAYS someone crazier. And you’re sitting right next to them on the subway. Around this time of year there’s that colorful Christmas caroler in the 1st Avenue L train station who just sits there, shakes a tambourine and sings (or shouts, really) off-key Christmas tunes at the top of his lungs. People love his cray cray.
12) You instinctively check the subway seat for mysterious liquids before sitting down.
13) When you’re driving in another city and come to a stop light, you’re confused that nobody floors it as soon as the light turns green. Everybody just sits there and nobody honks or gets upset. Isn’t that strange?
14) You’ve walked past three old ladies sitting on a stoop in the East Village when they complain, “This place is becoming the fucking Upper East Side.”
15) You’ve ever been having a deep conversation with a friend and somebody joins in like it’s nothing. I was once walking down 8th Avenue talking with my girlfriend about some of her boyfriend issues and this lady coming out of the Hearst building just barged into the conversation out of nowhere and talked with us for like 10 blocks. It was fabulous.
16) You don’t have a driver’s license, but you’ve been going out since you were 15.
17) People from your hometown causally invite themselves to spend a week with you in the big city!
18) You’re used to getting anything thing you want, anytime, wherever you are. Delivered.
19) You know what it feels like to catch the train juuusssst before the doors close.
20) Your landlord/super doesn’t speak very much English and they leave funny notes on the door to your building (which doesn’t have a lock) in broken English. In my building, my super is a cute 90 year old Holocaust survivor who speaks virtually no English.
21) When you do your walk of shame nobody really knows where you’re coming from or what you just did, praise God.
22) When you live in other places you notice that people are afraid to cross the street unless there’s a “Walk” sign.
23) When you find out somebody is from “the city” you automatically ask where they went to high school.
24) MAY THOSE WHO TAKE UP BOTH SIDES OF THE ESCALATOR DURING RUSH HOUR BURN IN HELL.
25) When your apartment has been broken into and there’s a homeless guy who sleeps in your hallway sometimes. You tell your landlord and she’s just like, “You know what? Maybe you should move someplace else because you complain too much.”
26) When there’s a natural disaster, you know there are always said natural disaster themed parties or hookup posts on Craigslist.
27) You have completely mastered the art of swiping your Metrocard at precisely the right angle and speed.
28) You know that when your favorite artist/band comes to town you have to be perched at the computer the second tickets go on sale because it’s going to sell out in minutes.
29) Your wardrobe has improved significantly in the time you’ve been here.
30) You have a French bulldog.
31) Whenever something bad happens on the news in a neighborhood that’s not even remotely close to where you live, people from back wherever you’re really from call to ask if you’re OK.
32) Deep silence scares you. You don’t even notice the loud music and sirens and random firecrackers and/or gunshots that people are shooting to entertain themselves on a quiet Wednesday evening. I once spent a summer at Dartmouth and it was so fucking quiet up there I couldn’t go to sleep for two days. The night was absolutely still, and it scared me because I was like, ugh, this is exactly how black people always die in scary movies.
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Dear Liam, I know who you are. I know what you want. If you’re looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money, but what I do have is a very particular set of skills.
18. It helps if your cat can grow a mustache.
Meet him young, at a time when you’re not old enough to realize how precious he is.
By its very nature as a rigorous athletic sport, basketball discriminates in favor of the young.