November 23, 2012

If I Dated Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is so my ideal celebrity boyfriend. JGL is hot because he’s the boy next door with cute dimples and an upbeat smile that always makes me go “aww” when I see it. He’s good-looking but not intimidatingly handsome. Full disclosure: I’ve always been really attracted to dark-haired hipster boys, so leave me alone The New York Times. My best friend and I dish about hot guys all the time, because what else do best friends talk about, really? My friend is all for meat, muscle and brawn in his dudes, but I’m all, No bro — it’s all about tall-ish skinny hipsters.

No matter what he does or which roles he plays, JGL is impossibly cool — and cool in a way that only people who went to Columbia can be cool. Columbia people go to classes and get grades like normal everyday people, but the difference is that they have other, more important, cool people stuff to do. When I was looking at graduate schools Columbia was #2 on my list, and during the admit visit my student host/tour guide person was Dave Macklovitch from Chromeo, and I thought he was just the most awesome thing ever. Cool, famous people who went to Columbia are like Yeah I’m rich and smart (maybe?) and I’m on TV and after this seminar is over I’m gonna disguise myself, get on the 1 train and roll downtown to have Roast Pumpkin Soup with Gwyneth Paltrow.

I know JGL dropped out of Columbia but, whatever, there are important movies to be made.

The awesome thing about JGL is that he’s an A-list celebrity, sure, but he’s not annoying about it. He’s one of the few A-list celebrities who has some art house street creed, even though he’s been in big Christopher Nolan movies. Last week JGL brought his art project hitRECord to Richmond, a multimedia art experience where he invites regular mortals on stage and interacts with them. How cool is that! He just seems like a regular dude you could have a deep conversation/bro out with.

If I dated JGL I feel like we’d have a bad ass place in Echo Park where we would invite people over, listen to drum and bass and talk about French poetry in a dimly lit but appropriately incensed house. Obviously the whole conversation would be in French. He would even bust out some Rimbaud and read from it aloud, and everybody would snap their fingers at the end.

If I dated JGL I would insist he stayed perpetually beard-free, because why detract from that handsome face and perfect dimples! We would make out a lot and I would NEVER ask him about aliens or 3rd Rock from the Sun. He’s like way past that now and it’s already hard for TV actors to stay relevant when a long-running TV series comes to an end. I WOULD, however, ask about being on Roseanne and about the fight scene in Inception where the room spins around. I would ask if he was going to play Robin in an unannounced Christopher Nolan flick — just tell me, I won’t Tweet about it I swear. TC mark