A Checklist For Being In A Long Distance Relationship
1. Revel in the fact that, at last, you can watch RuPaul’s Drag Race INSTEAD of whatever else they want to watch on Monday nights. Hallelu!
2. Masturbate freely without feeling one ounce of guilt. Leisurely close those 25 tabs of shame because you’re not worried she/he will be home any second and discover you in the middle of the act.
3. Talk about how long the distance will last in advance. It’s easier to go through with a long distance relationship if both parties know when the distance will end. A light at the end of the tunnel.
4. Have video chats on Skype. Text each other “Hey, I love you + I’m thinking about you” D and V pics — but ONLY if that’s something you guys usually do.
5. Revert back to those bad habits you suppress in their presence. A relationship is like a melding of habits, and at some point everybody dates somebody with habits that get on your last nerves. But hopefully you love them for their being weird as shit! So while you’re alone, enjoy being a free person who is able to eat Sour Patch Kids and oranges on your 1,000 thread count Egyptian sheets without getting yelled at.
6. Plan trips to visit your significant other. This is the best benefit of being in a long distance relationship, because every time you see each other it’s like taking a vacation. I was in a long distance relationship with a hot French guy for like four years, and on the last day of class every semester I was on the FIRST plane to Paris. Yes, actually — it was fabulous.
7. Know that the distance is only temporary.
8. Use the time by yourself to develop new hobbies and to become a better person, to do those things your boy/girlfriend wont “let” you do when they are around. A relationship is only as good as what the two of you bring to the table, so why not do some things you’ve always wanted to do, like make Panda Bread or become a drag queen. It’s OK to miss your boy/girlfriend, but he or she should not be your sole source of happiness. Doing new things will only give you more stuff to talk about and maybe even do together.
9. Remember all those friends you had before you dropped off the face of the earth and got into a serious relationship? They might still be there!
10. Everybody loves a surprise gift, so surprise your boy/girlfriend with care packages of their favorite treats and other things you know they like. It’ll show you care.
11. Communicate more. When you live together, it’s so easy to get wrapped up in bills, babies, and dirty bras, but when you’re apart you don’t have the same daily life habits so there’s more to discover, and even more to talk about.
12. Have a keepsake that reminds you of the other person. A photo of you two together, a pair of panties — you know, whatever. A boyfriend once gave me a cute little blue stuffed whale that I would take with me whenever I was out of town. I would lay it in the bed next to me and sleep with it, and there are many photos in the world of me sleeping next to this whale. LIKE YOU DON’T SLEEP WITH A TEDDY BEAR.
13. Know that when you see each other again it’ll feel brand new, just like the first time.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”