5 Reasons Why My Boyfriend Probably Broke Up With Me

I’ve never been broken up with before, so instead of just dealing with the fact that someone didn’t want to be with me (because that’s impossible of course, I mean I’m kind of awesome besides the fact that I’m questionably psycho, but that’s fun, right? RIGHT?!) I’ve thought of 5 reasons I was dumped.

These came to me in rare moments of brilliant clarity, between crying and class and looking up “heartbreak” quotes on Pinterest and listening to “Just Cry, Sad Songs” playlist on Spotify and convincing my roommates (and myself) that, “I’m actually okay, like whatever, his loss. I’m too strong of a person to let this get to me, I’ve got way too many good things in my life to let this tear me apart.” While my insides cry out NO. I’M VULNERABLE. I MISS HIM. A LOT.  Here are my 5 reasons because, soul searching? Bullshit.

1. I don’t give back massages. I mean, like, if you would of waited around for another two weeks I would have eventually caved. It would have been bad, but it would have happened.

2. My coffee “wasn’t strong enough.” Dude, we like our coffee different ways. I never realized that was a deal breaker. He could have made it himself. I was just trying to be a good girlfriend and let him stay in bed. (I’m not bitter or anything…)

3. Our sex wasn’t kinky enough. In my defense we had only been having sex for a month, I couldn’t scare him away just yet. Also he never initiated any kinkiness, all talk and no play. And now I hope he’s not getting any. (Because I’m not getting any)

4. I think I was too intense of a person. I have tons of energy all the time. He should of seen this as endearing though. At night I couldn’t sleep because I was so excited to have this cute boy next to me and I could talk to him for hours and hours about a million random things about my day.

Example: “Today I saw this girl who crossed the street and she had a patch sewn on her backpack of a tree and that reminded me of the Rebelution album cover and that was the band of the first song that was on the CD you slid under my door before I left for spring break last year and I didn’t even think you liked me, I thought you were just being friendly and remember when we went to their concert and we took that really bad picture but it’s actually my favorite picture ever because we were so happy like wow I’m so glad you’re next to me right now. I like you a ton.” And then we would sleep for like 5 hours and I would wake up still so excited that this incredible human was next to me and kissing me and I couldn’t wait to start another day with him and I’d start talking crazy again. He could have just told me to calm down. Wait. I think he normally did but I was probably too busy trying to start a pillow fight or read him some crappy poems I wrote about him.

5. In all honestly though, it was definitely because a week earlier he told me he loved me in which I responded, “That’s really scary.” For future reference that is probably the absolute worst way to respond to a boy who has tears in his eyes explaining how he believes you make him the best person, that he’s never felt like this before,  that “you are everything.” Maybe he just got scared too and instead of being terrified with me, he ran away from it all. Maybe I’m still making excuses.

*No tears were shed in the process of writing this. Since this was written I’ve looked up tips on how to give back massages, I’ve perfected my coffee making skills, I’ll be on my A-Game next time I have sex, I will try to be more low key especially late at night and early morning, and I’m learning not to find love so terrifying.