What It Feels Like To Be Cheated On

This is how it feels to be cheated on.

Your whole damn world, your happiness, the thing (person) getting you through life being ripped away.

Sick. Physically sick. The sick fucking scene of them together replaying over and over again while someone forces your eyes open to watch. This stupid movie scene consuming you. Making everyday tasks impossible. Crying over having to take out the trash. Dreading getting up in the morning.

You start doubting everything. Over-analyzing. Was it your fault? Fuck no. But they sure as hell didn’t love you. Un-fucking imaginable. There is zero chance. What they did was not love in the slightest.

Hah. You think that, and then you let them right back in. The begging, pleading: desperation. The promises that “it didn’t mean anything” they were “blackout drunk” and they “love you” fool you into giving them another chance. It’s like love is rocket science and they are the rocket scientist. Insane manipulation and persuasion. Brain fucking washed.

And then everything’s suddenly back to more than normal. You actually don’t even feel like it ever happened; doubt if it was real. Because that’s what they are making you believe. But it’s your fault too, because that is 100% what you want to believe.

And then you’re annoying when you bring it up. You’re the one at fault because you’re holding the cheating over their head. You feel insane, because that’s exactly what they want. To put the blame on you so they don’t have to deal with their own character flaws and wrong-doings. You have the unsettling realization that “us” is going downhill fast, but denial is medication for that feeling in the pit of your stomach that won’t go away.

You knew you were right all along. How could they be the one who made you feel psycho and pathetic for your suspecting their infidelity? You were right (congrats). So pretty much everything after was laid on a foundation of pretty lies.

Then it hits you again. You don’t restrain the crying, screaming. You let everything out and go at the same time. So angry and upset and some other indescribable emotions are exploding out of you. This particular variation of ugly crying makes all the other times look like allergies. You don’t really know what to do with yourself. You come face to face with the realization that the past two years of your life are some inside joke that you weren’t ever let in on. You feel like an idiot.

But then, it all seems like a dream. Unfathomable that you could ever find anything good in them. All the memories of “us” feel cringe-worthy. All the hookups? Disgusting. You’re repulsed with your own attraction to them, and that you ever dated them to begin with. The love you thought you once felt is now not a tangible or imaginable feeling. All the good times are pushed out of your memory unconsciously, for necessity’s sake. But you’re okay again. And that’s all that matters.