I’m Keeping Up With 14 New Year’s Resolutions, And You Can Too

I once learned from a great comedian named Louis C.K, “You can have the body you want. You just have to want a really shitty body.” This struck GOLD with me.

All I’ve ever wanted was to be happy with my body! Could this really help me feel that way? Could I be happy with a gross body if I just wanted to be? It hit me, that if I had worse than a “shitty” body it would feel great to at least feel a little bit better about it.

I realized that what he meant by his joke was that you should give up on yourself altogether, and place the level of importance you have for your body image elsewhere, like: screaming children on the beach, or a minivan and a year’s supply of ham and cheese Hot Pockets.

What I also took from his advice was that you should make short-term goals before you can see long-term effects. If you want to have an amazing body, but you already have a pretty terrible body, it’s going to take much longer than a year for you to look like Mila Kunis in a silk tunic. Find a goal that’s healthy for you. If you want to succeed in your short-term weight goals, they should come similar to the order that follows.

1. A really “shitty” body.
2. A Mediocre body
3. Halfway decent but would still be considered an “overweight” model body
4. Healthy and fit/gaunt and thigh gap skinny body

Although I’m not interested in losing weight this year, I’ve mastered the art of keeping my resolutions simple and effective in the long run. My main goal is to stay alive and generally happy and healthy. Here are some of the simple goals I’ve conducted to achieve this level of awesome:

1. Breathe. Do it again. Keep practicing. Get really good at it. This will keep you alive in the long run.
2. To achieve your mediocre body, choose the less unhealthy option. Ex: Side Salad over Fries.
3. Do 3 sets of push ups a day. 10 before breakfast, 10 after, 10 after. Increase the number weekly (I’m at 40 now).
4. Drink water. Drink some more when you start thinking about it again. This is also pretty good for you in the long run.
5. Pay your taxes and avoid breaking the law. You’re dead to the world if you’re in jail.
6. Instead of taking Tylenol for a 3pm headache, walk around the block or the building. You might have just needed to get the blood flowing for the day.
7. Avoid dark places and situations that could potentially kill you. This could keep you alive by next year.
8. Eat sometimes and maybe all the time depending which diet you’re on, if you’re on a diet. This will keep you nourished.
9. Wake up in the morning and cover your mouth before you start complaining about getting out of bed, because if you wait too long you’ll miss the sunrise.
10. Say “Thank you” when people make you happy. Even if it’s uncomfortable sometimes.
11. Keep a steady job, and don’t quit unless you’ve already found something else to keep you financially stable. Don’t rely on your parents, work to give back to them for raising you.
12. Don’t participate in prostitution. This has never been an issue for me, but I’ve heard some people die from it, and avoiding death would be a great accomplishment for anyone.
13. Don’t be a mean person. Think before you say something mean, and evaluate both sides of the situation. You might actually be wrong. You might actually be the one who sounds like a douche.
14. Be humble. When you are humble you are teachable, and if you can learn you can survive.

Making small adjustments and habits to your lifestyle eventually lead you to the life you want. Although it might not be anatomically correct for your body figure, you have the ability to reach a body that makes you feel better, even if you only lose 20 pounds. Healthy habits lead to healthy lifestyles and healthy lifestyles lead to people who don’t kill their husbands. Just kidding. Healthy lifestyles lead to happiness, confidence, and the not so shitty body you want.