I never orgasm the first time I have sex with a new partner. Never have, and mostly likely never will. I chalk it up to losing my virginity with a one-night stand from out of town. I only knew his first name, and don’t even know the correct way to spell it. Brian. Bryan. Whatever. Nevertheless, I’ve come away with trust issues, hence my issue with cumming. I never really thought anything of it until one night last winter. I’d met a crush of mine at a party and we were walking back to my place to have sex. In fact, we were talking it about on the walk home.
He told me, “First you’re gonna cum, then I’m gonna cum.” And I laughed. He did not look pleased.
“I mean, you can try, but I’m not going to. I just don’t cum the first time with someone.” I said it matter-of-factly. It’s my body, I know what’s going to happen. But the look on his face changed.
“Is that right?” He smirked. “We’ll just see about that.”
We had sex. I didn’t cum. Neither did he. We didn’t have sex again.
The following spring, some friends and I were out at the college bars, including a different crush of mine. He and I ended up going back to his place that night. We were having sex, it was a bit awkward for me, his sex face was really funny, when he stopped and said, “I want to make you cum.”
I said, “I usually don’t.” Just a fact.
He took it as a challenge. So he tried different positions, different methods. Still nothing. He tried so hard, it started feeling like a jackhammer and I had to make him stop.
He came. I didn’t. We didn’t have sex again.
A few months later, I was at a house party where a friend’s band was playing. I met a cute guy, we went back to his place and had sex. Really good sex.
He came. I didn’t. He didn’t ask about it. We had sex again the next week.
The second time around, he asked, “Are you close?”
“No,” I said. “Can we pause for a second?”
We did, and I explained. He understood. He never took it as a challenge. We wound up seeing each other for a couple months, and had some awesome sex. I never came. He always did. But it never upset us. I always really enjoyed myself and I made sure he knew.
I know my body, and I know what makes it tick. I’m never gonna cum from penetration alone (sorry to burst your bubble, bros). It’s going to take a bit of time and effort to get me there, which takes trust. My challenge isn’t my orgasm—I can handle that on my own. My challenge, guys, is trust.