I ended a relationship three years ago and for some reason I can’t stop thinking about her this week. Since we broke up this experience of missing her comes and goes in waves. Sometimes I’ll go months without thinking about her then other times, like now, it’s all that’s on my mind.

I wish I had a good reason for ending the relationship. We dated for several years throughout college and I broke up with her because I graduated. I loved her but I felt like I needed to move on in ways I couldn’t do with her in my life. I had been a boyfriend for so long and for once in my 20s I just wanted to be single and experience the world on my own. It seems stupid now to say that. We were both loyal, loving, devoted people in the relationship. She was my best friend and someone I could do anything with. So why did I let her go?

That question still haunts me to this day.

I’ve had relationships since the break up. I’ve gone on dates with plenty of attractive, charming people. So why am I still thinking about her?

I hate that I’m about to reference a Joni Mitchell song but I can’t think of a better time the lyrics “Don’t it always seem to go // you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone” are more appropriate.

Do you ever wish you could back to your previous self? Sometimes I think about what it would be like if I could go back to the me who stood in that apartment looking around at all of the boxes with my name on them, knowing she’s crying in other room, and say to myself don’t do it. Don’t make the biggest mistake of your life. Don’t walk out that door. You’re going to regret this for the rest of your life. There’s nothing else out there for you. Don’t you get it? She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you. 

But of course I can’t.

We still text once in awhile. The last time we talked was September. It was my first week in Central America when I got a text from her. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot,” she said. “Just wanted you to know.” I told her “Wow! Weird. I’ve been thinking about you a lot too. I’m in Costa Rica right now.”

She never responded. I haven’t heard from her since.

Do you ever spend a lot of time thinking about someone then out of the blue they text you, send you a message on Facebook, or contact you in some way? This seems to happen a lot with me and other people. I’ve been wondering all week if I’ll get a text from her but so far, nothing.

And I should just let it go, right? She’s gone. Moved on.

A month after I left she told me she was dating someone new. Our neighbor. The guy who lived next to us for 2 years was suddenly her boyfriend. I can’t blame the guy for taking the opportunity. I guess I was surprised she could find someone that fast. But she’s an incredible person so honestly, why should I have been so surprised?

They’ve been dating ever since.

Sometimes I think when we’re in stable relationships we too often take them for granted. We get bored of the routine, of the winter mornings that all look the same, of the same conversations that have been had over coffee a million times. It all starts to become a little dull. It’s up to us to re-ignite that passion, spark that excitement again, to fall in love with the person once more.

But I chose not to.

I was graduating, looking for jobs out of the state, needing an escape from my life. It just seemed like the perfect breaking point to start new. But instead of me finding some great life I’m sitting here writing about an ex of three years ago. Sometimes I wonder why I even date. Facebook should just have a relationship status that says “Ruined.”

I’m joking. Kind of.

My life did move on. I got a sweet job, a great place to call home, but it’s like, what’s the point of all of this? I don’t have love. I don’t have my best friend.

So what do I do now?