25 Awful First Dates (And Why They Didn’t Get A Second Date)

I have never in my adult life been on a real, honest to goodness second date. I have dated around a fair amount. I have met people through multiple avenues, online, at bars, social sports and through friends. Despite keeping my options open and trying new things, I have never left a date and thought, “Hey! That went well!” While the substance of the below list is all true, the names are withheld to protect the not so innocent.

1. You only talked to me about my job. Even when I tried to change the subject. Multiple times. You managed, to skillfully I will say, redirect the conversation back to my job.

2. You told me you could never marry me. I didn’t ask. And this is a first date. And really I’d rather not anyway.

3. You showed up to our 6:30 pm date nine drinks in, very drunk.

4. And the next day told me about how later that night you got kicked out of the bar for getting in a fight with the bartender.

5. As the date ended you asked me if I wanted to “get naked and do tequila shots.” Umm… I actually have to work tomorrow?

6. You claimed you were a movie aficionado and proceeded to tell me your favorite movie was Eyes Wide Shut, and you hadn’t heard of The Sound of Music.

7. You are the most boring. You told me you had a funny story to tell me when I got to the bar. Turns out it was about a dude’s shirt sleeves. It wasn’t funny, though kudos on your keen observation about the length of that fellow’s sleeves compared to the weather. Well done sir, glad you waited to tell that one in person.

8. You didn’t go to college because you thought you were too good for college. After spending an afternoon with you, I would be inclined to argue the opposite.

9. You had a tattoo on your left pec. It said “FOCUS.” I didn’t have the nerve to ask you what exactly you were focusing on.

10. You are still in college.

11. You told me you were going to be making $425,000 your first year out of law school. Informed me of how much your rent is, how rich you were and how rich you were going to be in the future. Keep going my friend; I’ll stop you when you can afford a second date.

12. You told me you had no reason to ever go to Target. This is clearly a lie. Everybody needs something from Target.

13. You ordered my meal for me.

14. Our conversation centered on your roommate’s parents’ divorce.

15. You drunk-dialed me less than an hour after the date. Isn’t there like a 3 day rule for drunk dials?

16. You ignored me through most of our group date.

17. You said my job was evil. P.S. Let me know once you are no longer unemployed.

18. Your astute observation of modern art was “I like some of it, but some of it I don’t like.” Did they teach you that in Art History?

19. You only wanted to spend 30 minutes in an art museum, before you were “trying to find somewhere to sit down.” Later you asked me if I was “trying to see a movie?” In the wise words of Yoda…

20. You send random, unsolicited sexts. It has been 3 years since we went on our one and only date.

21. You took me to McDonalds.

22. It took 3 months of talking before we were both free the same night.

23. You unironically used the line “Are you tired ‘cause you’ve been running through my mind”

24. You then asked if it was the nicest think anyone ever said to me. You were serious.

25. You called me a cunt salad.