Thought Catalog
January 2, 2017

Desperately Horny: 44 People Confess The Most Pathetic Thing They Ever Did For Sex

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Found on AskReddit.

1. I broke my hymen while putting a stalk of celery in me.

“I broke my hymen while putting a stalk of celery in me.”

sweetberrywhine


2. Tried to stick my dick in my own ass a few days ago.

“Tried to stick my dick in my own ass a few days ago.”

SwagFire


3. I thought putting my dick into a snowball would be fun.

“I thought putting my dick into a snowball would be fun. Turns out I compacted it too tight, so it was like rubbing dick on an ice-rink floor. 0/10 would fuck Frosty the Snowman again.”

FrontButtBloodFart


4. I masturbated to the dictionary definition of ‘sexual intercourse.’

“When I was much younger and before I knew the existence of porn, I masturbated to the dictionary definition of ‘sexual intercourse.’”

shesnotagenius


5. My entire graduating class knows I fucked deli meats.

“I heated ham in a microwave and used it in a ZipLoc bag. I also told friends that I did so to be all “cool and out there.” Now essentially my entire graduating class knows I fucked deli meats.”

Hzuen


6. Masturbated with my husband’s 12-gauge shotgun.

“When I was about 24 I took the barrel from my husband’s 12-gauge shotgun, wrapped some paper towel around the sight to soften it then put a condom on it. I did this many times and masturbated with the barrel. I’ve never told anyone that story.”

Photmagex


7. Jerked it to photo of the birth of Venus from the encyclopedia set.

“Pre-Internet, home alone looking for anything mildly arousing, jerked it to photo of the birth of Venus from the encyclopedia set.”

itchy_ankles


8. Fucked a burning-hot banana peel.

“Ate a banana. Microwaved the banana peel. Fucked the microwaved banana peel. 14-year-old me quickly learned not to stick his dick in microwaved banana peels fresh out of the microwave. That, however, didn’t stop me from trying to fuck a jar of peanut butter two days later. 14-year-old me was a dumbass.”

Takeshira


9. Somewhere out there is a video of me swinging two liters of milk from my sack and singing a song.

“I was real horny and in a dry spell.

I decided to join FetLife and started chatting.

One chick who I guess was prob a guy and I started swapping photos. She wanted to see me hang a two-liter milk bottle off my balls with shoe laces and make a video of it singing, ‘Here comes the milk man, full cream full cream.’ She / he then tried to extort me for money otherwise she would post it on the internet.

I told her to fuck off.

Somewhere out there is a video of me swinging two liters of milk from my sack and singing a song.”

malawisativa


10. I once fucked a can of Chef Boyardee raviolis.

“I once fucked a can of Chef Boyardee raviolis.”

Brungus07


11. I stole a traffic cone and fucked it a few times.

“I was about 12 or 13, stole a traffic cone, and fucked it a few times. I had to cut a slit in the hole and fold it in, then put some Vaseline-soaked cloth in to line it. I was a pretty creative child.”

Ohm_eye_God


12. I jerked off with a big handful of calamari.

“I jerked off with a big handful of calamari. I was really drunk and thought the rubbery tentacles would feel good. I wasn’t totally wrong.”

Cthulhu_Rises


13. Put a condom on a banana and fucked myself with it.

“Put a condom on a banana and fucked myself with it. I didn’t want to get mold in my vagina.”

throwthediary


14. I pooped in a condom and put it on my wiener.

“When I was 13, I was curious and I pooped in a condom and put it on my wiener. That’s when I discovered I definitely did not have a scat fetish.”

pathological_liar__


15. Sharpied my dick black and pretended I was jerking off a black guy.

“So when I was about 15 or something, I was starting to explore my gayness, but didn’t really know how. I though “Well, gay people like dick, right?” and I had one, so if I jerk my dick off and pretend its someone else, I’m basically doing some gay shit. Well, I couldnt really get into it, so logically what I did was Sharpie my dick black and pretend I was jerking off a black guy. Cool story right?”

gayyyayay


16. I masturbated to the Holocaust.

“When I was a kid I was pretty hard up for pornography (pre-Internet days). I did have one book my parents had though that had pictures of naked people in them. At the time I didn’t understand what I was looking at, but years later I realized they were photos taken by the Nazis of Jews during the Holocaust. As a child I masturbated to the Holocaust.”

needawp


17. Masturbated until bloody.

“Masturbated until bloody. Turns out when you shave your pubes and then use an industrial vibrator, the tiny little hairs growing back basically operate like sandpaper. Looked down, saw a bloody vibrator. It was scary but I decided to finish anyway.”

AellaGirl


18. I masturbated under the table during the SAT.

“I masturbated under the table during the SAT after I gave up on a section I couldn’t handle.”

wildonrio


19. I masturbated with my Grandma’s cone-shaped thread dispenser for a dozen years.

“My grandmother was a seamstress and had these massive rolls of thread on cone-shaped dispensers. I stole one and used it to masturbate for 6 years or so till I was 18 and could get a vibrator. Sorry, Grandma.”

charlottedhouse


20. I put a condom on a wooden towel holder and fucked it.

“I put a condom on a wooden towel holder and fucked it. Then I gave that wooden towel holder to my friend when I moved away. Long-distance relationships are hard.”

permatossaway


21. Fapped to Home Shopping Network hostesses.

“Fapped to Home Shopping Network hostesses.”

Me_Tie_DoughtyWalker


22. I once let a girl pee in my mouth.

“I once let a girl pee in my mouth just so she would blow me on a tennis court in the middle of the night. I was 16 and out of options at 2am.”

the_spacehead


23. Jacked it in the car wash.

“Pulled up Pornhub and vigorously rubbed one out over the course of an Ultra Supreme Rain-X car wash once.”

MrAsh-


24. Borrowed batteries from the college dorm’s TV remote to use in my vibrator.

“In my sophomore year of college, the batteries in my vibrator ran out at a really inopportune time. I put on some pajamas, walked down the hall, and checked in our communal TV’s remote for an exchange.

This became somewhat of a tradition, culminating in the realization that I needed to buy my own batteries when I found myself doing it in somebody else’s dorm.

When I graduated to plug-in vibrators I forgot to account for wattage changes when going abroad and blew out the fuse of my apartment as a first introduction to all of my roommates.”

vahavta


25. I engineered a Fleshlight out of a towel, rubber band, rubber glove and hand lotion.

“I engineered a Fleshlight out of a towel, rubber band, rubber glove and hand lotion which I then taped to the computer desk and fucked. I was home alone and 14.”

fremenist


26. I once fucked a toilet paper roll.

“I once fucked a toilet paper roll. Got a paper cut on my cock. Never again. Without lube. Never again without lube.”

This_Man_Has_No_Dick


27. Jerked it to Song of Solomon from the Old Testament because I heard it had the word ‘breasts’ in it.

“Jerked it to Song of Solomon from the Old Testament during a power outage at age 13. I chose that chapter because I heard it had the word ‘breasts’ in it.”

SaeedShabazz


28. I once pretended I was Randy Macho Man Savage for my ex-wife.

“I once pretended I was Randy Macho Man Savage for my ex-wife. She loved it so much, she let me fuck her in the ass while she diddled her vag with a vibrator and I screamed out Macho Man quotes till she came.”

Ohmahtree


29. Jerked off in my friend’s pool while he was inside making us sandwiches.

“Jerked off in my friend’s pool while he was inside making us sandwiches while we were 13. I finished as he came back outside and he dove headfirst into my floating cum. Sandwiches were good. 8/10.”

Real_John_C_Reilly


30. Jerked it with a phallic-shaped perfume bottle.

“I was so horny I could barely function. I had bought a vibrator but I was still at that age where my parents would flip if they found it. I ran out of batteries and there was no way I could get any without being suspicious so I look around the room till I find something phallic- shaped—this perfume was all I could find. My mind said ‘no that lid is removable’ but my pussy said ‘naaah don’t worry it’ll be fine’ and guess what…my pussy was WRONG.”

standingonmytiptoes


31. I paid an old Chinese masseuse for a handjob.

“I paid an old Chinese masseuse for a handjob. I couldn’t hardly get it up but she did great. She smelled like cigarettes and had negative tits but it was an experience I’ll never forget.”

hidinginchina


32. Had a quickie in the Vatican.

“I was in the Navy and took a week of leave in Italy. Had my gf flown out to Rome as a birthday present and convinced her to have a quickie in one of the dark alcoves in the Vatican just so I could one day brag about it like this. Fastest session I’ve ever had….”

Lunchmunny


33. Tried fucking a cantaloupe I’d microwaved.

“Searched for homemade sex toys online and tried the first one I came across, which was a sex toy made of a cantaloupe by carving a hole in it. I remember feeling a wave of nervous guilt while I was at the checkout line buying the fruit at the market, and I was unable to meet the eyes of the clerk in fear he knew what I was up to (of course he probably didn’t, but horny teen me had a guilty conscience).

The instructions recommended heating it up in the microwave before use, and I remember checking it and it wasn’t too warm after 30 seconds. Repeated this multiple times until it was relatively warm (hindsight is 20/20, I should have realized the center of the melon would be hotter than the parts near the surface).

Used some cooking oil as lube, shoved my dick inside, and a second later was screaming because the center of the melon was unbelievably hot. The burn caused my skin to peel later, and I couldn’t touch my dick again for days.”

jochmaro


34. I jerked off in the church bathroom right after taking a dump.

“I’m so ashamed, but here goes. When I was about 15, prime teenage horny toad, I had to stay the weekend at my grandmother’s house. I slept in the living room and they had an open door so it was too risky to try and squeeze one out there. So the next morning I go to church with her. Small, southern Pentecostal church. Speaking in tongues, hair teased to Jesus, the whole 9 yards. I’m halfway into the service, I have to go shit. Right as I squeeze out the last ties, I realize that I was the only one in there. So I spanked one out right then and there, right on top of my fresh dump and in a church. I haven’t had the moment of clarity and regret hit me that hard at all up til then. I was shook.”

KKYBoneAEA


35. I once spent a full 10 minutes trying to suck my own dick.

“Ugh.. it’s really embarrassing to say this, but I once spent a full 10 minutes trying to suck my own dick while simultaneously trying to watch porn by making my eyes move up to my laptop. Wtf is wrong with me.”

073227100


36. Ended up fucking myself with the handle of a hairbrush in the backseat of my car.

“I went to the beach at around 11pm one night alone when I was like 19. Got mad stoned and ended up fucking myself with the handle of a hairbrush in the backseat of my car. In the middle of the beach parking lot. Then just drove home. No idea what made me so horny that night lol.”

fly-away07


37. I once masturbated with hand sanitizer. Bad idea.

“I once masturbated with hand sanitizer. Those of you who have been in this position know this is already a bad idea. Being the pyromaniac I was at fourteen, I also knew that when lighting hand sanitizer on fire on your hand, it burned slowly and not as hot. So I was like “what the hell” and found a lighter. Went at it until I was about to finish, and then lit my crotch ablaze. I was immediately in pain, flipping over in bed to put out my firey genitalia. I did not cum that night. And as a cherry on top, peeing the next day hurt like a motherfucker because of the hani-sani. 0/10 do not recommend.”

bruceygoosey


38. I printed out a picture of some lady spread eagle and cut a hole in the vagina.

“When I was a kid, I printed out a picture of some lady spread eagle and cut a hole in the vagina. You can guess what happened next. Anyway, my dumbass folded it once or twice and threw it away in the trashcan in the bathroom. My parents thought it was weird that there would be printer paper in the restroom trash can and picked it up and unfolded it. I can’t remember exactly what my excuse was, but I think I said my friend gave it to me and I thought it was disgusting so I threw it away. I don’t think they believed me.”

twaycc2


39. I jerked off to my ex’s wedding video I found online.

“I jerked off to my ex’s wedding video I found online.”

fakenamereddit


40. Filled my shoe with water and fucked it.

“Once I got home from school after walking through some mud. My shoes were dirty so I took them to the shower to clean them. While in the shower I decided I wanted to jerk off. I started with just my hand but after looking around My gaze rested on my shoes. I took one of them, filled it with hot water and fucked it. It felt good but I had to clean the shoe again. 9/10 would have sex with shoe again.”

MineOSaurus_Rex


41. Put a condom on a rolling pin and rode the hell out of it.

“I once took a rolling pin and put a condom over the tip and inserted it in between the couch so it was stuck in there. Then I used some lube on it and was riding the hell out of it and well it was awkward.”

Transmermaid


42. Duct-taped a bagel to the top of a jelly jar and microwaved it for 20 seconds before vigorously sliding my shaft in and out of it.

“Duct-taped a bagel to the top of a jelly jar and microwaved it for 20 seconds before vigorously sliding my shaft in and out of it. The heat from the ovens zap made the crunchy bagel moist and tender. 10/10 would fuck again.”

Pubage


43. I’ve fucked myself with knife handles, make up/shampoo bottles, beer bottles, veg, humped pillows and teddies…

“I lose all morals when I’m horny, I’ve fucked myself with knife handles, make up/shampoo bottles, beer bottles, veg, humped pillows and teddies, watched all kinds of weird porn that would disgust me if I wasn’t horny, it’s like I turn into a rabid animal, nothing is off limits to achieve orgasm.”

BramshawHB


44. Shoved many not-intended-for-asses things in my ass.

“The amount of not-intended-for-asses things that have been in my ass is pretty long, but the most ‘pathetic’ is probably a broom.”

Homeschool-Winner TC mark

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