1. I enjoy it when you give me the ‘silent treatment’ because I don’t have to listen to you.
“When you give us the silent treatment, we actually enjoy it because we don’t have to hear anything for a while.”
2. I like it when you make me sleep on the couch, too.
“That making us sleep on the sofa is not a punishment. We actually quite like it. It’s like camping :-)”
3. Watching you cry gives me a boner.
“Watching my girlfriend cry gives me a boner. Can’t help it.”
4. I can’t help but look at other women.
“We look at other women and can’t help ourselves.”
5. Your guy friend would have sex with you if you let him.
“That guy who is your friend would definitely have sex with you given the opportunity.”
6. I check out every set of boobs in the area when I’m wearing sunglasses.
“If we’re wearing sunglasses, we’re definitely freestyle checking out every set of boobs in the area.”
7. When I’m fucking you, I think about your hot friend when I’m ready to cum.
“In long-term relationships, we think about your hot friend when we are about to cum.”
8. I sometimes cry when I’m alone.
“We cry sometimes when we’re alone. Like in the showers, lying in bed, or driving.”
9. Your sister is hotter.
“Your sister is hotter.”
10. I pee in the shower.
“How much we piss in the shower. (Or that we do at all.)”
11. Your ‘girl-power’ shtick makes you look insecure, not proud.
“Girl-power shticks really show how low your self-esteem is and gives us the opposite impression you wish to impart by doing such things. Men respect actions, not group slogans.”
12. I have no emotional support.
“Men pretty much have next to nil mental support. We need some emotional support, too. Many people who seem to be fine are mentally crumbled and emotionally shattered.”
13. I would still love you if you got fat; wanting to fuck you is another thing.
“‘Of course I would still love you if you got fat’ doesn’t mean ‘I would still be attracted to you, want to have sex with you, and be proud of being seen with you if you got fat.’”
14. I checked out that girl long before you pointed her out.
“When a woman points out another female—99.99% of the time we have seen her way before you have pointed them out but play the whoaaaa/shocked route ;)”
15. I watch porn.
“Yes, your boyfriends watch porn.”
16. I don’t want to hear about your cool, manly guy friend.
“No, I don’t want to hear about your guy friend that is much cooler and manly than me. And yes, Every time you bring him up it makes me want to kick you out the damn car. You may not realize but I can tell you that without even blinking he would have sex with you despite being in a long term relationship sorry to break that news to you.”
17. I sometimes play along just to avoid fights.
“You DIDN’T tell me your plans for tonight 3 weeks ago but to avoid the fight I’ll play along.”
18. I will literally do anything for a BJ.
“Promise a BJ and we will do literally anything. I mean anything. Chores, running kids, painting, chick flicks.”
19. I fantasize about other women.
“We fantasize about other women. Not with any interest or intent to cheat, and certainly not because we’re unhappy.”
20. I’m not always where I told you I’d be.
“’The gym’ is the bar. ‘Traffic’ is the bar. ‘Working late’ is the bar. ‘The bar’ is the strip club.”
21. I wash my balls in your bathroom sink.
“We wash our balls in your bathroom sink if we know were about to get a BJ, lol….Maybe not literally in the sink but I’ve had a female ask why water was all over her bathroom floor.”
22. I don’t really miss you when you leave.
“When you’re going out and I say ‘I’ll miss you too,’ I’m just being polite. As soon as you’re gone, the party begins. Cue video games, action movies, fast food and whatever the hell else I want. Masturbation will also inevitably occur somewhere in between and is not limited to one single session.”
23. You’re exhausting.
“You’re exhausting. It’s not that we don’t care, it’s that you care so goddamn much about every little thing and get mad at us for not caring about that little thing and we just need some time to recharge our batteries.”
24. I’m not ‘always ready’ for sex.
“We are not ‘always ready’ for sex, however we agree to it even when we aren’t to perpetuate this belief, because of the rarity of the female Homo sapiens wanting to have/being ready for sex.”
25. I have more feelings than you suspect.
“We have feelings other than anger and lust.”
26. If you allowed me, I would always fuck other women.
“No matter how much we love you and no matter how hot you are…no matter what…if you allowed it, we’d always fuck other women.”
27. Me and my friends say vulgar things about women in private.
“Any guy who tells you that we don’t say vulgar things about women in private with our male friends is lying to you or gay. Probably not ‘grab her by the pussy’ vulgar like Trump, but we will often talk about tits and ass and who we want to have sex with when you’re not listening.”
28. You need to compliment me more.
“We’re so desperate for validation. Any compliment we get, even if we answer with a grunt, will be cherished until the day we die.”
29. I only put up with your bullshit because I like sex.
“We only pretend we like putting up with your childish behavior because we like sex. There are 0 other reasons.”
30. You sometimes smell bad, too.
“Women sometimes smell bad, too. Like reaaaaaally baaad.”
31. Bros before hos.
“The bromance is oftentimes better than the romance.”
32. There is no such thing as blue balls.
“There’s no such thing as blue balls. We just say that to guilt you into sex.”