March 28, 2016

30 People On The Worst Sex Advice They’ve Ever Gotten

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Found on AskReddit.

1. Sex on the beach

“Sex on the beach. Sure it’s great if you’re into fucking a pocket made of sandpaper, my poor ex was in agony for about 2 weeks afterwards.”

2. Bite the clit

“My first time ever receiving oral the guy had been told by his bros girls like being bitten on the clit. Fastest right hook i ever gave.”

3. Eat the booty like groceries

“Eat the booty like groceries.”

4. Chunky peanut butter as lube for anal

“Chunky peanut butter as lube for anal.”

5. Wiggle your fingers around inside her like Kermit the Frog

“The whole ‘sure fire method to make a girl squirt’ thing. Cue me rubbing and wiggling my fingers around inside there like Kermit the Frog having a seizure! Strangely enough it wasn’t successful.”

6. Nutella blowjob

“A blowjob with Nutella covering my dick. It was disappointing and ridiculously messy. Never again.”

7. Altoid blowjob

“Put an Altoid in your mouth during oral sex, it will feel awesome! No, no it didn’t.”

8. Pop that clit like a stubborn zit

“I had a friend describe trying to ‘pop that clit like a stubborn zit!’”

9. Make the alphabet with your tongue

“Making the alphabet with my tongue. Maybe I was going too fast, like wayyyyyy too fast.”

10. Pee in her after ejaculating

“If you pee in her after ejaculating in her, she won’t get pregnant. I actually just really had to pee, I didn’t ejaculate in her, and it was an accident, but it’s the thought that counts.”

11. Bite her nipples

“Bite her nipples. Bitches love that shit.” They do not.”

12. Go down all the way while he’s cumming

“My ex wife heard it’s easier to swallow if you go all the way down as he’s cumming. So she gave it a try the next time we got a little wild, she’s never liked the taste of cum, or even tolerated it for that matter, so I gave her the courtesy tap, and she goes all the way down, I wasn’t expecting it, it did the trick to completely finish me off and I blow my load, she coughed, my cum came out of her nose, then she gagged, then she proceeded to throw my dick up, then throw up all over my junk and between my legs and on my stomach and my pelvic region…it was everywhere. Moral of the story, blowjobs are for before dinner, not after.”

13. Three fingers PLUS a dick

“Had someone highly recommend putting 3 fingers inside her whilst having sex. Tried it and she ended up nearly crying. I concluded that guy must have a micropenis for that to work.”

14. Shampoo as lube

“Not exactly sex but my friend recommended me to try shampoo as lube. Dick peeling ensued.”

15. Popsicles

“It involved popsicles.”

16. A finger in her butt while she’s riding you

“‘Put a finger in her butt while she’s riding you.’ It did not end well.”

17. Slap her around while she’s giving you head

“‘Slap her around while she’s giving you head.” – my situational awareness is pretty bad. It was out first sexual encounter with each other. She was drunk, and her friend convinced her boyfriend and me that it’s be the best time and place for trying out a side-by-side blowjob. It didn’t go well. No communication. I still feel bad for her when I lie in bed about to sleep.”

18. Vicks VapoRub

“I read something about Vaseline early in the day, but by the time night came around I somehow mixed up the name and thought it was Vicks VapoRub that the article was talking about. So I rubbed it on my boyfriend at the time. I remember he was like I don’t know won’t that burn… and I was like nooooo I read it in a magazine that it makes it feel better…. fast forward 5 minutes and it is my boyfriend in the shower crying trying to remove the burning sensation, but he can’t because it is repelling the water, he ends up like purging and crying for a long, long time. I felt like the worst person the world.”

19. Enter German airspace

“I’m a private pilot with own plane and everything. Decided to go on vacation with my SO. After 2 hours or so we start to get frisky. The autopilot comes on and we’re starting to have full on sex right there. Long story short, we took too long. Ended up entering German airspace, I realized too late, so when I contacted tower I was being visited by two German Eurofighter Typhoon military aircrafts. I was grounded, ended up getting a fine and a serious warning. No ban, though. Moral of the story: Always know how much time you’ve got when having sex on an aircraft.”

20. Chewing on ice while literally blowing

“While dating my ex, who was new to everything, she was told by a friend to chew on ice and blow me as it would feel good. She had never done really anything so when we tried this out, she chewed the ice and literally blew on me. Never put me in her mouth, just blew cold air onto my dick.”

21. Icy Hot on the dick

“Rub Icy Hot on your dick for a pleasant tingle you’ll both enjoy. Almost turned into a trip to the ER.”

22. Trojan Fire and Ice

“When I was 17 I used the Trojan Fire and Ice lube with my GF… but it made it a little rough. Naturally we decided to use just the fire since it was more ‘lubey’… fire is exactly what we achieved. She curled into a ball crying on the floor while I went and found cold water to throw on your vagina. Wasn’t until afterwards that I realized I could have just used the ice lubricant.”

23. You should try licking a girl’s asshole

“’You should try licking a girl’s asshole’—He confides after the date while sharing a marijuana cigarette with me. I technically tried it, thanks Dave.”

24. 80% of anything in the Kama Sutra

“80% of anything in a Kama Sutra book. Seriously, pulled vaginal muscles and a broken dick is what you’re looking forward to if you try all the positions and aren’t as agile as a gymnast.”

25. Press down on her stomach

“My boyfriend was told by his best friend that if you press down on a girl’s stomach it will make her feel your dick more. I didn’t feel any more dick than usual, but it definitely made me have to pee.”

26. Bite his cock hard

“I was going down on my ex, and he told me to bite his cock, chew it hard. And I did. It was good advice for the person I was with (he seemed to like it well enough), but definitely bad, BAD advice for anyone else. Luckily I have the common sense not to try it with anyone else!”

27. The horrible stench of sour milk

“Whipped cream. Fun at first, but then the stench, oh dear oh dear oh dear. The horrible stench of sour milk. And it just wouldn’t go away no matter how much we showered.”

28. Pop Rock blowjob

“Pop Rock blowjob = sticky penis.”

29. Masturbate using an iced sex toy

“Someone told me to masturbate using an iced sex toy… but that was a bad Idea… It ruined my night…. Cried a lot.”

30. Put a Berocca effervescent tablet inside your pussy

“The worst I heard and then stupidity tried was ‘Put a Berocca effervescent tablet inside your pussy and watch porn.’ LPT: don’t fucking do that. Ever.” TC mark

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