March 18, 2016

47 Women Confess The Weirdest Item They’ve Used To Masturbate With

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Ines Perkovic
Ines Perkovic
Found on AskReddit.

1. Tickle Me, Elmo!

“When I was younger (late middle school/early high school age, I think???) I realized my old Tickle Me Elmo doll felt very nice when it shook as it ‘laughed,’ so, being a creative youngster, I cut it open and took out the part that vibrated it. I unscrewed that and cut out the speakers so it wouldn’t make that laughing noise every time you push the button, put it back together, and voila! Li’l me’s first vibrator.”

2. A wiggling goldfish in a plastic bag

“You know how at the fair you can win those goldfish in a bag? Yeah I used that. I poured most of the water out the slipped it up inside the bag, the way it wiggled felt unreal. I’ve still got the fish but I never used it again.”

3. A snake plush toy

“A snake plush toy. 10/10 would fuck a snake again.”

4. Lego dildo

“I once made a dildo out of Legos….”

5. Bubble wand

“One of those bubble wands. I would take in the shower and use it with the showerhead. That makes it sound like I masturbated with bubbles. Hold on. It was one of these. I used it like a dildo and the shower head like a vibrator.”

6. Hairbrush handle

“The handle of my hairbrush when I was about 15.”

7. A huge Scooby-Doo

“One time when I was 14 I straddled a huge Scooby-Doo I won at Kings Island and rode him to Kingdom Cum. I only got to do it once though because I busted him open. I was cleaning up that weird foam filler for weeks.”

8. Electric toothbrush

“Electric toothbrush.”

9. The bristled end of a toothbrush

I heard losing my virginity would hurt so I tried to pop my own cherry with a toothbrush before I had actual sex. It hurt like hell. Probably shouldn’t have used the bristled end.

10. Toy drumsticks

“When I was about 13 I bought a happy meal and it came with some toy drumsticks (which were suspiciously thick.) Used one of them as a dildo and that ladies and gents is the story of the first time I squirted.”

11. The McGyver method

“For desperate times I McGyver my way to an orgasm. Ladies, listen up. You need a washcloth, a hair tie, and your shower that unfortunately doesn’t have a detachable showerhead. Put the hair tie on the showerhead and then the washcloth over top of it with one corner hanging down and then hold it in place with the hair tie. Adjust until the water is falling down in one stream. Enjoy.”

12. Top of a bedpost

“Top of a bedpost. It was very dick-shaped and it wobbled one day as I was changing my sheets. I got an idea and that night I went and unscrewed it and used it to masturbate. It was awesome. I was sexually active and very good with it. OMG, that’s embarrassing.”

13. I’ve put a lot of weird stuff in/on/around my pussy

“Oh man…I’ve put a lot of weird stuff in/on/around my pussy. When I was first figuring out what all the parts were and what they looked and felt like, I put this full-length mirror on my bedroom floor and sat in front of it with my legs spread. I’d push back the labia and poke at stuff to see what happened. One day during my ritual, I got this bizarre idea…I got up, walked to the kitchen, got the box of Morton salt, plopped back into my mirror spot, and just poured it all over my clit and inner labia. It was horrible and burny and awful. I was then trapped in my room, with a vagina completely covered in salt like some giant, radioactive slug. Later on, I was rifling through my mom’s underwear drawer and found a little vibrating bullet. I swiped it and masturbated with it all through high school. I think I refused to acknowledge to myself that it was my mom’s. (Or dad’s? Bleh).”

14. Powerful subwoofer

“Powerful subwoofer.”

15. A doll face covered in baby oil

“Covered one of my Anne Geddes doll’s faces with baby oil and rubbed myself up and down on it until I came. Couldn’t look at it anymore after that night…I was a messed-up kid.”

16. Vibrating Wii remote

“I had a game named Avatar Burning Earth and found a spot in game where it would endlessly vibrate the Wii remote if you stood next to it. Lubed Condom+Wii Remote+Avatar the last air bender game=strangest sex toy I’ve ever used.”

17. Knitting needles

“Knitting needles. I was super into knitting when I was like 15, and it helped with my anxiety. I used to take them to school and knit between classes. Wasn’t long before I figured out the handle end was perf for hitting my G-spot. I remember in an IT class once, some asshole of a kid made a comment that I was like an old lady and probably masturbated with them. Hope he didn’t notice how red I went.”

18. A body pillow with an electric toothbrush stuffed in it

“Didn’t discover the joys of masturbation until I was 19. I think the strangest thing I’ve ever masturbated with was a body pillow with an electric toothbrush stuffed in it. What a ride!”

19. N64 controller with a Rumble Pak

“N64 controller with a Rumble Pak. I just walked Mario into a corner and rumbled away.”

20. Bedpost ball

“I used to have a bed with a ball on the post (the post was only about 2 feet high and the ball on the post was quite small) and I remember using that.”

21. M&M Minis tube

One of those tubes of M&M minis before I was old enough to buy a real sex toy. It worked well. I think they still sell these, lol.”

22. A toy Gandalf

“A toy Gandalf. Technically it wasn’t really masturbation; I just wanted to see if he would fit.”

23. Pretty much anything

“Hmm, pretty much anything I could get away with that would fly under my parents’ radar. So, here goes: glue sticks, an oddly dick-shaped glass deodorant container, markers strapped together inside a glove, an electric toothbrush which I covered with a water balloon every time so it wouldn’t get scratchy, the well-stuffed tail of my large tiger plush (only once… Ow, fuzzy things don’t feel so fuzzy and nice in there), a long ovoid manicure set container, end of hairbrushes, the end of pool cues, cucumber covered in a glove, and one of those silly squiggly pens that everyone else seems to have tried. Take that, crazy repressive family! Anything I could do to find a bit of enjoyment growing up… So glad I figured out masturbation to help keep my own sanity.”

24. Italian squash

Italian squash. Let me explain…..This story goes back 15 years ago when nobody talked about or even could figure out what the hell was wrong with me when I began developing symptoms and went to PP for help. After like 5 visits of not finding a reason they began accusing me of it all ‘being in my head/psychological issue.’ Made me an appointment for a specialist for a month later. I knew there was no way this sudden issue popping up was in my head. I was desperate for answers. After one night of crying over it yet again, I got on the computer and decided I was going to find out what was wrong with me or I wasn’t putting the computer down. I had tried and failed previously during searches. Finally after hours of putting on symptoms and nothing coming up I got a couple-sentence hit on my symptoms. It was some obscure medical article talking about a term I had previously never heard about before: vaginismus. I read it and my symptoms matched exactly! I was so relieved to actually have a name for my problem and to prove I wasn’t crazy that I cried happy tears. Now, basically you had to retrain your vajaja to dilate on its own again without pain so they sell these massively overpriced POS plastic tubes that essentially look like cheap dildos and sell them for like $100+ and you need different sizes to work your way up…to well, be accepting of at least an average-sized penis. So I was a broke-ass college student and terribly embarrassed about this. I know it probably sounds weird, but doing it this way helped me out a lot. First of all I could get an assortment of sizes, I could throw it away immediately, and it was cheap as hell at the time. (And no, you sickos, I didn’t eat it after.) Anyway, it wasn’t really fun at all but that wasn’t the question asked. Good News: after two weeks it went away. Bad News: I discovered a few months later I had a (highly unlikely—I’m guessing) autoimmune disorder.”

25. A leaf blower

“Strangest thing…I would probably have to say either the inserting those clacker toys or when I figured out a leaf blower could be used as a vibrator.”

26. Every manual screwdriver in the house

“MasterCraft multi-bit screwdriver. Black & Decker cordless screwdriver (AS600—ribbed for her pleasure). Pretty much every manual screwdriver in the house, really.”

27. A curling wand

“A curling wand. Obviously wasn’t plugged in. But a little warmth makes it that much more real.”

28. A spoon cupped to a vibrating soft toy

“I made a contraption using a spoon with a thick plastic handle, and the spoon part cupping this little soft toy I had that had a pull string vibration motor in it. I’d have probably preferred it to be a motor with a battery but I just worked with what I had! I imagine if I’d ever been caught it would’ve looked like I was trying to start a tiny chainsaw inside myself.”

29. Squiggle Wiggle Pen

“When I was a kid, I masturbated with my Squiggle Wiggle Pen, which was both shaped similar to and vibrated like a dildo. My mom caught me, and she made me throw it out. But by then, I was so addicted to cumming that I secretly fished it out of the garbage. The next time she caught me with it, she told me that if I ever touched myself again, she would take me to the doctor and tell them something was wrong with me. Looking back, she did a real shit job on sex ed. For those of you wondering, this is a commercial for the pen.”

30. PS2 controller

“PS2 controller. Venus razor handle, tbf it’s curved, ribbed and squishy, what did they expect?”

31. Markers and pillows

“When I was a horny pubescent 12-year-old—markers. I even tried using those toys that were fashionable at the time—they were squishy and filled with gel but resembled dildos (in my mind). Obvi didn’t work out well. Also experimented with the vibrate setting on a cellphone. Certainly humped a few pillows.”

32. Nail polish bottle

“Slender nail polish bottle…sorry.”

33. Everything

“More like what haven’t I used to masturbate with? When I was a kid…Removable top on my four-post bed and squeezing my thighs together hard enough to orgasm. Hairbrush handle. Venus razor handle with the razor detached. Various bottles. A bottle of lube. A mini bottle of baby powder. Too many things. I’m so glad I’m older now and have actual fucking sex toys. My vagina thanks me for it significantly, but the best toy that to this day I STILL use? The showerhead. Turned on the ‘stronger’ spray setting settled right in between the legs. It feels good, man. It feels good.”

34. A Prismacolor marker dipped in wax

“A Prismacolor marker in powder blue that I dipped in wax several times to increase the width. I then wrapped it in saran wrap and went to town…”

35. A novelty umbrella

“When I was about twelve years old, I had one of those novelty umbrellas with a plastic cover that made it look like a sword. Now, around that time, I was slowly discovering that looping a hair tie around my wrists and pulling really hard made me feel weird. So, one night, I absent-mindedly did the same thing with the umbrella strap—some kind of sturdy cord that didn’t give nearly as much. I felt even weirder, so naturally I Googled ‘feel good when I tie my wrists.’ To make a long story short, I then absolutely used that umbrella where the sun don’t shine—and discovered a fetish at the same time. Win-win?”

36. A live beetle

“Ummm…
-hairbrush
-cucumber*
-bottle of deo
-bottle of shower gel
-plastic gloves filled with water and tied at the wrists
-my little sister’s skipping rope*
-pestle*
-kitchen roll holder
-my mum’s electric toothbrush (sorry mum)
-my dad’s razor(s)* (not sorry dad, you were an asshole)
-my own shit (got a UTI from that)
-a live beetle (I just had him crawl around on my clit for a little while and then let him go)
If it’s marked with an asterisk I put it up both holes.”

37. A glow stick

“When I was a pre-teen I used a glow stick. I didn’t really feel anything, was probably dangerous, and was done more under the stance of ‘wow I just put something inside me.’”

38. A clay penis

“• Once made my own penis out of clay and stuck it inside of a glove for protective purposes before use.
• Have masturbated with variously sized markers/highlighters.
• Golf balls.
• One of those 3 pronged massage things.
• ETA: also Mardi Gras beads.”

39. A light saber

“I used a light saber. One of the toys ones that have been out forever. Never got caught either, even though I shared a room with my sister.”

40. PlayStation 2 controller

“PlayStation 2 controller. Dat dual shock tho.”

41. My boyfriend’s Rogaine foam can

My bf’s Rogaine foam can; not that i can’t afford a toy or anything; I just like to put random stuff in my vagina.”

42. A bike seat

“I was at a spinning class today and my bike was a little wobbly, and somehow the cycling action was making my clit rub against the my labia/the seat (through my pants and leggings of course) and I had an orgasm right there in spin. Luckily it’s very dark in the spin room and I sit in the back row so nobody could tell. So uh, a bike seat.”

43. A bushel of decorative Styrofoam bananas

“Usually: a bushel of decorative Styrofoam bananas I bought at Michael’s. Rarely: unused plastic hair dye syringe with the end stuck into a length of rubber medical tubing.”

44. The magic of whirlpool jets

“I’ve used a wide variety of things through the years, including after turning 18 and owning a vibrator. When I was 13 I stole a wine bottle from my parents’ collection and attempted to use it on myself. I didn’t drink the wine, and honestly can’t remember if I washed it off and replaced it afterwards, or threw it away. I prefer to not think too hard on that one…When I was 14 I discovered the magic of whirlpool jets (my parents had a whirlpool in their bathroom). This was how I came for the first time. I asked to take a lot of baths. I was only caught once by my mom, but I like to think I played it off as I was just thinking hard about something, pressed up against the edge of the tub. Yeah, she probably totally believed it. Like another person here, I did use one of those M&M mini containers when I was 15 or 16. It of course was no match for the whirlpool so I, instead, turned it into a steamroller pipe (took the bowl off of a metal pot pipe, heated it up with a lighter, screwed it into the plastic, then cut off the other end of the tube). Way more useful… In my adulthood, I’ve made plenty of trips to the grocery store specifically to buy phallic produce. And no, none of that produce ever went to waste after. I had lady friends over for a barbecue after one of my “sessions” once, told them what I’d done, and asked if they cared if I barbecued that specific zucchini and served it – none of them had a problem with it (it was washed of course). Lastly, a couple years ago I was at the drugstore and found a clear candy tube that was shaped just like a dick. I bought it, ate the candy, and filed down the protruding plastic seam at the end. I’ve since used it as my shower dildo, as filling it up with hot water makes for a lovely experience.”

45. Gym machines

“I used to run the tap in the bathtub while I laid with my crotch underneath it and let the hot water run. I got some intense orgasms from it but would have to turn the water really hot, to the point where I’ve scalded my back. Also there are two machines at the gym that if I really push myself on them, I eventually orgasm. One is a leg machine and the other one is an ab machine. It’s nice because it’s great incentive to work out but I just hope no one can tell what’s going on when I’m doing it. Lastly, not sure if this counts but in 5th grade I discovered that I could squeeze my legs together and eventually it would make me orgasm, so I would just do it during class all the time without anybody knowing. I can still do it now but it’s not as easy to finish anymore. So basically I’m just real good at sneakily masturbating and might be a bit of a masochist.”

46. Horse riding

“When I was 14 I went horseback riding and my horses legs were shorter than my moms and grandmas. She has to trot harder to keep up with the other horses; the motion made me orgasm right there in front of my grandma and mom. I didn’t make a lot of noise but it was daytime, they could see my face and we didn’t go riding again.”

47. Toy cars, Barbies, hairbrushes, pop bottles

“When I was ten I discovered that I liked the feeling of rubbing my crotch against the corner of the bathroom counter. I then began to use different things around the house. Toy cars, Barbies, hairbrushes, pop bottles. When that became boring I discovered cleaning brushes. You know the ones that spin? I stole one that hadn’t been used from a brand new cleaning kit and used it. I remember being so obsessed with how it felt. After that I moved into the vibrating PS2 controllers. I particularly remember never besting one of the bosses in Final Fantasy X because their entrance had a lot of vibrating and I was always to busy reloading the save and enjoying the vibe.” TC mark

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