1. MAYBE SHE’S JUST NOT ‘THE ONE’
“I think that guys exercise discretion just like girls do. The whole commitment-phobia thing was likely just made up by butthurt girls who thought they were ‘the one.’”
2. WHY DON’T WOMEN EVER HAVE THIS PHOBIA?
“If this is a real phobia, why does it only seem to happen to men? I’ve never heard it applied to woman. In those cases, she’s just being understandably picky. No, I don’t think it’s a real thing. It just means you have standards.”
3. FEAR OF DYING ALONE IS STRONGER
“Yes, fear of commitment is a real thing, absolutely. But I think the prospect of dying alone, hooked up to tubes and wires in some hospital with no one to visit you and hold your hand, is far more terrifying than being yelled at because you forgot to take out the trash. So I’m afraid of commitment, but I’m more afraid of dying alone.”
4. THE EMOTIONAL RISK IS TOO HIGH
“A man’s great struggle in life is to break away from that initial humiliating dependence on his mother. I think the sex drive—and all the la-dee-da bullshit about love—is strictly to nudge you toward reproducing. The real deep psychological fear men have isn’t of being lost in love, it’s of being ruled by their moms again. Adult males have good reason not to want to be treated like boys for the rest of their lives. Or maybe I’ve been reading too much Freud.”
5. FEAR OF SAMENESS
“I’m sure I can get on people’s nerves, but good God in heaven, I can’t imagine ever wanting to be with the same woman forever, every day, for the rest of my life. Every morning you wake up and see that same face? She wears the same set of pajamas day in and day out? The same voice? Same body? FOREVER? Yes, I’m deathly afraid of that. If that’s commitment phobia, I have a nasty case of it.”
6. CAN WE STOP CALLING EVERYTHING ‘PHOBIC’?
“Can we please stop calling everything ‘phobic’? I guarantee you there aren’t that many people running around the world scared to death of everything. Just because I don’t want to do something doesn’t mean I’m afraid to do it. Maybe some guys are afraid, I don’t know, but not all of them. If you’re asking me, man-to-man, whether over the course of the rest of my life I’d rather have sex with one girl or with a thousand girls, you’re an idiot for even asking.”
7. I PREFER FREEDOM TO SLAVERY
“When a man gets married, he becomes a financial slave for life. People need to learn the difference between a phobia—which is, by definition, an irrational fear—and a justifiable fear of becoming a wage slave who has to pay alimony or child support for the rest of his life. I prefer a no-commitment arrangement, and the girls I know are all OK with that. So no commitment for me, but I would like a beer just for taking the trouble to answer your question.”
8. IT’S KNOWN AS A ‘MARRIAGE STRIKE’
“Right now, the world is like Lysistrata in reverse: Instead of women withholding sex, men are avoiding marriage. The cards are stacked against men these days. There is literally no incentive to get married. There are too many downsides and not enough upsides. Divorce, alimony, gossip, public sympathy—the rules all lean heavily in favor of girls in all of that. Guys are justifiably afraid of marriage because they can’t see what’s in it for them. So it’s a fear, yeah, but a justifiable fear. If you made it an even playing field again, guys would call an end to our collective marriage strike, I promise you that. It’s just that when I tie the knot, I don’t want it to be around my neck.”
9. HUMANS AREN’T MONOGAMOUS
“No, ‘commitment phobia’ is just some made-up word that doesn’t exist in the animal kingdom. You ever heard of a chimpanzee afraid to make a commitment? No, he’s out tapping as much ass as he can! There’s been study after study proving that love and attraction only last a year or two at best—it has to do with chemicals in the brain—so the idea that it’s unnatural to seek multiple partners over your lifetime is what’s truly irrational here.”
10. COMMITMENT FLOWS NATURALLY FROM LOVE
“Commitment isn’t something you need to work at. If you’re truly in love with someone—deeply in love, with every cell of your body—you don’t have to try. It’d be a tremendous effort not to be committed to them. In fact, it would be unthinkable. So it’s not really a fear of commitment as it is a lack of interest.”
11. FEAR OF PUSHINESS IS MORE LIKE IT
“In a lot of these cases I’ve seen, the guy is totally into the girl, but for Christ’s sake, it’s only been three months and the girl is already picking out wedding dresses! When someone wants to do a full-court press on you, it reeks of desperation, and the natural response is to pull back a bit and reassess the whole situation. It’s not a phobia. It’s simply good judgment.”
12. OH, YOU MEAN FRIENDZONING?
“‘He’s afraid of commitment’ is only something that a girl who you’ve just friendzoned would say. It’s just a nice way of telling yourself that someone doesn’t want to be with you—‘Oh, he has a fear of commitment.’ That’s a lot easier on the ego than, ‘Oh, he didn’t want me.’”