1. It’s a proven medical fact that having tons of sex will make you look younger.
Our finest scientists have proved that shagging and shtupping and screwing can prevent the aging process. Sex boots collagen production and releases the human growth hormone. A decade-long study of 3,500 adults in Scotland showed that people who had sex four times a week appeared seven to twelve years younger than their real age. So if you want to look young, get out there and start fuckin’!
2. It’s a better painkiller than prescription painkillers.
A German study from 2013 found that a majority of migraine sufferers reported partial or total relief after having an orgasm. A study at Rutgers University showed that women’s pain tolerance threshold increased 74.6% directly after cumming. “Through sexual arousal and orgasm the hormone oxytocin is secreted in your body, which in turn causes the release of endorphins,” says Dr. Desmond Ebanks. “Because of these natural opiates, sex acts as a powerful analgesic.” According to sex researcher Stefanie Iris Weiss, “I often tell friends suffering from cramps to go for a sex session rather than an Advil.
3. Your self-esteem will skyrocket.
According to sex researcher Limor Blockman, orgasms release endorphins that improve one’s self-perception: “Self-esteem can be easily boosted by the ability to surrender to pleasure and…brag about it…the fact that we allow ourselves to be exposed and enjoy it is a definite, well-proven self-esteem enhancer.”
4. It’s the best-known stress reliever throughout recorded human history–and probably into prehistoric times, too.
In stress tests ranging from doing mental arithmetic out loud to public speaking, celibates showed the highest stress levels. Vigorous and frequent sex will flood your brain with endorphins, AKA “the human body’s natural heroin.”
5. You will sleep better, even if he snores.
A vigorous round of barnyard-animal-level rutting releases super-strong hormones such as vasopressin, oxytocin, and serotonin—which to the human body is like doing a shot of whiskey followed by a beer and then a Xanax. Poof! You’re out cold.
6. Your rotten mood will improve, thank God.
All the sex hormones that soak your brain after an orgasm will induce a sense of euphoria and well-being akin to eating an entire box of chocolate while stroking a litter of newborn puppies.
7. Your skin will glow as if you were an angel, a space alien, or an angelic space alien.
Your body produces more collagen as a result of sex, which makes your skin appear as fresh as the morning dew. Women who have more sex also release more estrogen. The result? Happy skin on a happy woman!
8. Your hair will become like the shiniest silk woven by tiny invisible fairies on a divine loom.
The estrogen and testosterone that the body releases during sex help you maintain a shiny mane that would be the envy of any racehorse. Regular sex also allows the body to more efficiently metabolize nutrients, leading to shinier and silkier hair. Go ahead—have a lot of sex and then touch your hair if you don’t believe me.
9. It will alleviate your wretched and unjust menstrual suffering.
Uterine contraction during orgasm increases blood flow to the area and relieves cramping. Don’t let Aunt Flo deter you—whip out that Magic Wand and get to work!
10. You will be immune to disease, even if you’re not immune to criticism.
Having lots of sex increases levels of the antibody IgA into the bloodstream, bolstering the immune system. Regular sex has also been known protect you against the common cold. So go ahead and take ten minutes to rub one out—it’s better than blowing your nose for a week.
11. It burns calories like a blowtorch.
About 25 minutes of sex is all you need to wipe away the 195 calories from that chocolate donut you ate right before he rang your doorbell. If you have sex all night, you might even be able to eat an entire pizza with no ill effects to your waistline.
12. You will become a lean, pristine, fighting machine.
I swapped out the word “mean” for “pristine,” because sex will actually cure you of meanness. But all the testosterone released during sexual activity will help create lean muscle mass and tone your physique to the point where it will repel bullets.
13. It will turn your frown upside-down.
Numerous studies have proved that semen contains compounds that have antidepressant qualities. One study showed that women who have unprotected sex had lower levels of depression than women who used condoms or didn’t have sex at all.
14. Duh! It will make you smarter.
A study on sexually active rats—ew!—showed that they grew extra brain neurons as a result of their bawdy activity. A researcher at the University of Amsterdam used MRIs to conclude that there is “a very widespread increase in the functional brain activity at orgasm.” So don’t be dumb—have more sex!
15. It even cures the hiccups!
A 2000 report in Canadian Family Physician detailed the case of a healthy man who was cured of his chronic hiccups at the moment he ejaculated during intercourse. Hiccups are cured when the vagus nerve is stimulated, which happens during sex.
16. Having oodles of orgasms can protect you against certain forms of cancer.
A French study revealed that women who frequently had intercourse were only one-third as likely to develop breast cancer compared to women who didn’t fuck as much. A 2004 National Cancer Institute study of 50,000 men revealed that guys who blew at least 21 loads per month were 30% less likely to get prostate cancer than those poor saps who had seven or fewer orgasms monthly. A 2003 study found than men who had five orgasms a week while in their 20s were one-third less likely to develop prostate cancer later in life.
17. It will keep your heart healthy—which will enable you to have more sex.
A European study found that the more often a man had sex, the lower his blood pressure was. A study in Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health concluded that having sex at least twice a week cut one’s heart-attack risk in half.
18. You will live longer—which will enable you to have even more sex.
A 1997 British Medical Journal study found that men who ejaculated frequently—and what man doesn’t like to do that?—had a 50% lower mortality rate than men who didn’t. So, gents, for the sake of your family, loved ones, and sundry other dependents—bust a nut and live longer!