Thought Catalog
April 21, 2015

35 Bisexual People On The Difference Between Dating Men And Women

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What is the issue?
Shutterstock / danielo
Shutterstock / danielo
Found on AskReddit.

1. One key difference: BOOBS.

One key difference: BOOBS

In all seriousness, being a bisexual female, other females believe it is a phase. It isn’t; I am attracted to both genders. I prefer a dick inside me more than rubbing my clit with another female though.

And the men I’ve been with think it’s hella sexy and want a threesome. Every fucking time. Like no, bisexual doesn’t automatically mean I am consenting to threesomes.

2. With men, you get farted on a lot more often.

Another woman chiming in.

As far as ladies go: I like a feisty, maybe-actually-crazy girl. This is in part my own damn problem. Therefore, every woman I have expressed interest in gets way too clingy way too quick. A bit more insecure, a bit more “are you actually bi or is this just a phase?” kinda stuff. On the whole, women are more thoughtful and affectionate. Especially when it comes to the little things, like baking you cookies when they know you had a bad day or doing the laundry when you’re in a hurry.

Then we have men, who are just as amazing. I’m a pretty drama-free chick. I don’t have a lot of fights with my boyfriends and men are very straightforward and easy to please. They tell you what THEY** want. They are happy when you tell them what you want. Sex is a bit more frequent. You get farted on a lot more often.

3. Another thing is periods. I’d like to say that “shark week” doesn’t interfere with a same-sex woman relationship but with a few of my relationships it became ultra passive-aggressive at times.

Woman here. I found that a small number of lesbians often judge me for indulging in both sexes. Guys tend to be cool with it or ask for a threesome. Another thing is periods. I’d like to say that “shark week” doesn’t interfere with a same-sex woman relationship but with a few of my relationships it became ultra passive-aggressive at times. With guys you don’t have that problem so only one of you is in pain and in need of chocolate.

4. Gay women get really huffy cause “you’re not a real lesbian, and only doing this as an experiment”.

I’m a woman. Gay women get really huffy cause “you’re not a real lesbian, and only doing this as an experiment”. Men are more “hot, haha. wow, so are guys better than women or what? so can we like invite some of your girlfriends and we can have a threesome lol that’d be so hot cause you love girls!”

It can be harder to date women, since they’re more reserved (and more judgmental if you’re not 100% lesbian), but a bit less serious to date men (since some are just “haha, wow, cool!”).

5. A lot of gay men treat you like you’re undecided, or straight. A lot of straight women treat you like you’re undecided, or gay.

A lot of gay men treat you like you’re undecided, or straight. A lot of straight women treat you like you’re undecided, or gay… Being bi doesn’t mean having better chances/more choices.

6. Girls, I am sorry but you are all crazy.

Gay guy here, engaged, used to be bi.

Girls, I am sorry but you are all crazy. And the more crazy they are, the better they are in the sack. I’m pretty sure this is a universal fixed constant. I had fun, but god dammit the drama. Fuck drama bullshit.

Guys are easy. What is slightly awkward in small towns in public becomes great at home. Guys are so easy to get along with. No drama, no bullshit. Say what you are feeling in plain English. Have a calm and rational discussion about it.

‘Do these pants make my ass look fat?’

‘Ya, they kinda do. Try the blue pair instead.’

~smacks bum~ ‘Yessssss, that IS better.’

7. I seem to connect a lot more with other guys and I feel like guys tend to be more rational and mature.

Bi guy here, currently in a relationship with another guy. Not that much is different, I seem to connect a lot more with other guys and I feel like guys tend to be more rational and mature (without sounding sexist).

8. I can get over a guy fairly easily; women are so, so much harder to get over.

This has been mentioned before, but women can be infinitely meaner about bisexuality. Because we aren’t lesbians and will date guys, many of them jump to “Oh, you must be straight, and you’re just with girls to experiment/for attention.” Then they look down on you. Fuck that.

With that said, I feel like I have a deeper emotional connection with women. I’m attracted to fewer of them, and I don’t notice hot women like I do men. But I can get over a guy fairly easily; women are so, so much harder to get over.

9. It’s harder to ask out people of the same gender.

It’s harder to ask out people of the same gender. Because not only do you have to do the whole ‘are they single are they into me’ thing you gotta figure out if they’re not straight. And sometimes you try hitting on them and they think you’re just doing the “supportive kinda homo” girl compliment thing and it’s like “No damn it not kinda homo ALL OF THE HOMO.”

10. Dating guys is nice because I don’t feel the pressure to start the conversation.

Man here; dating guys is nice because I don’t feel the pressure to start the conversation. I can go days without getting a match on Tinder but there are 40 new dudes trying to talk to me on Grindr every day, it’s just kinda refreshing to be pursued. Other than that it’s pretty much the same as dating girls really.

11. I’ve always felt more emotionally attached to women and almost exclusively sexually attracted to men.

Bi guy here. I’ve always thought I was a little weird, but for me I’ve always felt more emotionally attached to women and almost exclusively sexually attracted to men. Like I can imagine being with a woman, but I don’t think I could pull a one-night stand with them. I’d need a relationship where I build up a bond with them first. I have yet to find a guy that I’d date though. I feel like I weigh sexual attraction more than anything when it comes to labeling my sexuality, so I say I’m 80/20 gay. So I guess what I’m saying is it’s hard to gauge on the same level because bisexuality comes in all shapes and sizes whether it’s bi curious or split 50/50.

12. I find women are more needy, requiring more ’emotional reassurance’, and on the whole more argumentative.

I’m a bisexual guy who strongly feels it’s possible to find both sexes equally attractive. Obviously I have preferences, I’m not too fond of overly hairy/muscular guys, or skinny girls, but I can safely say I’m attracted to both sexes. I find women are more needy, requiring more ’emotional reassurance’, and on the whole more argumentative. I’m not a “man’s man” by any stretch of the imagination but when with a girl I will be the protective one. When with a guy on the other hand, I find I’m usually the one who’s more.. not necessarily needy/clingy, but slightly more submissive perhaps. Dating guys is.. different. It’s like having a friend you can chill out with, as well as an emotional/physical partner. If you have similar interests you could just relax and play video games, then suck each other’s dicks if you were both horny. In terms of sex, I love sex with women. The feeling of fucking a beautiful vagina, hair, no hair, I love it all. Licking a woman’s pussy/ass, turns me on so much. Chubby guys really turn me on, sucking on a nice hard cock and letting them cum all over me is equally appealing. Currently dating a guy, he’s chubby, and he has such a wonderful, soft ass. I don’t necessarily miss girls, just like I wouldn’t necessarily miss guys if I was with a girl.

I can be emotionally invested in either sex, and it feels much the same.

13. Bi men have it the worst.

I’m an openly bisexual male in my teens, and currently it fucking sucks because girls won’t even give me the time of day since they assume I’m just gay, whereas plenty of gay dudes are cool with it since they honestly think I’m just gay too… Bi men have it the worst.

14. On a general level it’s much easier for me to connect with women and the majority of my friends are girls, but that may just be my own baggage.

Girl here.

I don’t exactly label myself as any sexuality because I’m attracted to a person, not a gender. I never want to limit myself by saying I’m straight or a lesbian because that’s cutting off so many opportunities that I could’ve had if I’d been more open-minded. Every person is an individual and I think of them as such, so it’s difficult to pin down the differences between dating men and women.

Some people have said women are more intimate and emotional while men tend to focus more on the sexual aspects of a relationship, which is not at all my experience. In private men are more sensitive than you would think- often more so than me. And women are just as interested in sex as the men I’ve dated, and they jumped into it even more quickly.

On a general level it’s much easier for me to connect with women and the majority of my friends are girls, but that may just be my own baggage. That’s not to say I haven’t felt emotional connection to men as well. The way I see it, everyone’s emotions, physicality, and unrefined chemistry with someone sits on a spectrum and no two people are alike- it all depends on the person.

15. Women will date you hoping they can change you, and men will date you hoping you will never change.

I have identified as polysexual for a while now, and I am amazed at how many things I used to think were just me actually applied to a lot of people who like men and women.

I’ll start with agreeing with stuff others have said: there is definitely something odd with the brain, something I may even question is “wrong” with me, where I am more sexually attracted to one gender and more emotionally attached to the other (serious relationships eventually get both, but it takes time). But part of that comes from some people are just easier to talk to in order to get certain outcomes. At the risk of generalizing, if I want to vent in a way where I will be validated and understood, I go to women, and if I want a partner to offer solution suggestions repeatedly, I go to men. One is comforting because I don’t feel crazy for having a problem, the other is comforting because I realize the problem is manageable. This isn’t so much that one gender is better than another at this, but more I can go to one and pretty much assume they will default that direction until proven otherwise.

The “is this just a phase” thing people keep saying – holy fuck is this true. And then even if you are in a heterosexual relationship but still openly identifying as something other than straight, people call it a lie for attention. So basically society is fucked and can’t wrap their heads around it either way. No matter who I am with, I am fake.

I also cross dress in my spare time, and I have a ton of issues trying to establish with anyone whether I want them or want to look like them.

So anyone who said any of those things, thank you for making me feel a little less alone.

As far as something I haven’t seen many others say here, I will say that in my experience the biggest difference between dating men and women is this: women tend to assume things are not fine when they are fine, and men tend to assume things are fine when they are not fine. Both, as far as I can tell, are rooted in egocentric tendencies. Also, women will date you hoping they can change you, and men will date you hoping you will never change. Both of these are false assumptions that lead to heartbreak.

16. In my dude relationships, the guy was much less perceptive and caring.

In my dude relationships, the guy was much less perceptive and caring. I would really never get asked how I’m feeling, nor do I think they would really have cared. At the same time, we could have fun and have great sex on an incredible level. Very pragmatic. My relationships with chicks are caring and sweet, but their emotional stage is somewhat alien to me, as a guy, and vice versa. For me, it ends up being a practically perfect 1:1 trade-off on the emotional level.

17. Like most other girls I’ve dated, that sheltered/spoiled attitude is a massive deal breaker.

Dude here, had several Tinder dates, yes actual dates. Usually coffee dates… Long story short, like most other girls I’ve dated, that sheltered/spoiled attitude is a massive deal breaker. Also the whole dating game is longer with girls I find.

With guys however, a pint at the bar, we’re more chilled about things, not hesitate to talk about sex, so sex occurs more often and since we’re guys we know exactly what we want most of the time, which is easier I suppose.

I’m not sure if it’s the same, say, in America or something.

18. I’ve found that with dating women there’s a whole lot more emotions and talking about things.

I’ve found that with dating women there’s a whole lot more emotions and talking about things. Also worth my girlfriend we talk about the future a lot, which I never would have brought up with my ex boyfriend. That could be less to do with gender and more to do with my girlfriend being ‘the one’!

19. With men, I’m the submissive, passive partner. With women I’m the complete opposite. Dominant, decisive, the provider.

Most of the answers are about society’s perception of relationships, so I’ll share how the relationships are different for me personally.

I’m a woman, married a wonderful man, but had about a 60/40 split in my relationships with men/women before marriage. The relationships are completely different. With men, I’m the submissive, passive partner. With women I’m the complete opposite. Dominant, decisive, the provider.

I often hear, oh you settled down with a guy – you’re not REALLY into women, it was just a phase. No, it wasn’t. I still exclusively watch lesbian porn and check out the beautiful ladies at the bars. But I would never act on it because I found the person who gives me the best of both types of relationships.

20. I can talk with men more easily than with women, mostly because I’m so infatuated with women more easily.

For myself, (I’m a girl) I’d say it much easier to hit on guys and get dates, sleep with them, etc. I can talk with men more easily than with women, mostly because I’m so infatuated with women more easily. I could stare at a beautiful woman all day and still be very shy to speak to them. Men are also more…rough? It’s seems that when I date a guy it’s very “this/that” and when I date a women things are more “blended”. I’ve dated more men than women sadly, as I lean more on lesbian than the straight side. My SO is a man. I credit that to fact that I prefer feminine women, and where I live it’s not easy finding them, and if I do they prefer a butch type, which I am not. I’ve also found, that when I’m intimate with a woman it’s so much more intimate and hands on and passionate. Women are just softer, taste better, smell better. And I don’t mean because of their perfume and shampoo, it’s just the scent they themselves have. Men have it too, and it’s lovely also. I will ask say women are more in touch with their emotions and know what they want, but like any gender, they can be afraid to express it.

21. Men kiss harder, more intensely, and give you stubble burns.

Men kiss harder, more intensely, and give you stubble burns. Women usually wait for you to take the initiative whereas men will trade it back and forth.

22. I prefer kissing and cuddling with girls because it’s softer and warmer and it always feels more genuine.

Bi female with a strong female preference, but more male experience. It’s so hard to find homosexual partners because girls innately are more touchy-feely with their friends, so deciphering if someone is actually attracted to you, or just being friendly is hard. Other than that, I prefer kissing and cuddling with girls because it’s softer and warmer and it always feels more genuine.

23. I’m much more into women in general, physically and romantically, and with men, it’s usually only physical.

Bisexuals come in all forms. Some are attracted physically to both sexes but romantic only to one, some are physically and romantically attracted to both sexes. It’s why the heteroromantjc and homoromantic terms exist.

Which is why I call myself a bisexual homoromantic. Or rather, a lesbian who occasionally sleeps with men whenever she finds the rare one who attracts her. I’m much more into women in general, physically and romantically, and with men, it’s usually only physical. This also illustrates that there are varying degrees of sexual preference with bisexuals. We don’t all desire both sexes equally.

I feel I connect more with women. Both men and women who’re skilled can pleasure me just fine, which is why I still apply the label bisexual if asked. But with women…I feel freer, I feel truer, and I feel more secure. People are people and they can be shitty regardless of gender. I just feel I’m on a wavelength with women I’m just not with men.

24. Many men think this is their ticket for a threesome.

Well, for starters. Many men think this is their ticket for a threesome. Just because I’m bisexual doesn’t mean I’m not into monogamy…

Also, as others have mentioned, many lesbians think you’re just curious about being with a woman.

And honestly, I could give a fuck about sex. I was looking for a companion that I could spend my life with, not some porn script to my life.

I finally met a good guy, we’ve been together for 4 years and have a son. I haven’t “come out” to him though. I don’t think it’s necessary since I don’t plan on being with a woman ever again.

25. One of my friends said it best, “Dating a man is like putting two puzzle pieces together, but you’re not sure they fit. Dating a woman you have a thousand pieces and you’re pretty sure they’re a puzzle.”

One of my friends said it best, “Dating a man is like putting two puzzle pieces together, but you’re not sure they fit. Dating a woman you have a thousand pieces and you’re pretty sure they’re a puzzle.” Guys are nice in that it feels simpler to date them (we look like a straight couple so less awkward comments, and dudes will generally calm the fuck down about anything if you have sex with them). Girls are harder for me. I am female myself but everyone says I act like a guy, and I’m clueless when it comes to emotion, so I often blunder my way through serious discussions or say something stupid and it gets awkward. I find that I’m more likely to want a relationship with a woman (they tend to be more emotionally fulfilling for me), but men take less energy and can often keep up with my sex drive, so I date about an equal number of each.

26. Guys are much more straightforward about wanting to be physical while girls seem to be reserved about it.

I’ve only ever dated one guy, and it was the most flirtatious, physical based relationship I’ve had. Guys are much more straightforward about wanting to be physical while girls seem to be reserved about it. Not that girls don’t want to be physical, but, in my experience, they’re afraid to want it.

27. The whole psychology is different between genders.

Firstly: I’m gay NOW, partly due to a loss of attraction to girls for a few reasons, and partly because bisexuals left me quite a few times for stupid reasons, and I guess at the time I didn’t want to be linked to that.

Anyway, the whole psychology is different between genders. Anger is certainly the biggest difference. You spend long enough with guys and then hear a girl say ‘no, I am alright’ only to have her suddenly bring it up days or weeks down the line to spite you.

And then guys USUALLY get mad right away. It can catch you off guard at first, but all you have to do is watch what YOU say, and they will end up crying for forgiveness, usually within the same hour they were angry.

Oh, and if you want a really constant relationship, it would be easier with the opposite sex… You can imagine why two guys can’t hold hands and kiss in public quite as often.

28. Men are much more selfish in bed, but oftentimes, I find it hot when a guy will just take what he wants.

Not quite “bi,” but heteroflexible and wouldn’t have an identity crisis if the love of my life happened to be another man. Keep in mind that my description is not indicative of how all men and all women are; it just paints a picture of the differences between the men I find myself attracted to and the women I find myself attracted to.

Men are much more selfish in bed, but oftentimes, I find it hot when a guy will just take what he wants. I wouldn’t necessarily feel that way about a girl. It’s easier to have a conversation with them without feeling like you need to hide anything because it’s like having an “in conversation” where you both know what it’s like to be a guy and don’t have to rest on pretense. Physically, you can be much rougher. Men aren’t as good kissers as women (Sorry, guys. We’re just not. Too much tongue, slobbery lips, face-eating…). It’s more understood that one of you will be more dominant, and you don’t have to worry about being “too rough.” The first time I fucked a girl, I wouldn’t go slamming her up against a wall unless we’d talked about it first; with a guy, eh, it’s kind of par for the course.

With women, it’s a much…softer experience. Holding doors, helping with coats, walking home. Generally, you have to wait a lot longer for sex (with a girl you’re actually dating, not a FWB situation or whatever), and being a guy around a girl makes me feel a lot manlier. I have to be more polite, but the flirting is more sly, like poking gentle fun at each other as opposed to saying stuff like, “We’ll see when we fuck later” (which is something that’s been said to me by a man). There’s also this feeling that if a girl is very classy, you want to bring out the part of her that’s a little…messier, so the jokes you make might try to bring that out of her.

I’m not 100% sure whether I like men or women better, but I think I’m inclined to say that I like women better because of societal convention. It’s probably about even.

29. Guys and girls are not that different in the bedroom.

Each has its advantages.

Girls are easier on my family, I’m a guy and whilst my family are not homophobic, they’re not entirely comfortable with me being with a dude, also more girls are straight and it’s less difficult to be in public.

Guys on the other hand are less effort once you’re confident that they like guys too, since you both tend to be reasonably similar. More easy to pass off as “just friends” if you don’t want people knowing, as well.

Also, as the top (guy who does the deed); guys and girls are not that different in the bedroom.

30. I’ve found it’s much easier to have casual sex with men.

Bi girl here. I’ve found it’s much easier to have casual sex with men. Women… one : it’s so difficult to know if they’re in to you or just being friendly… two : for myself, I need a deeper connection to sleep with a woman.

31. Women are not only attractive to me but I enjoy sex with them more mainly due to the emotions that come with it.

Bisexual male here. I’ve fooled with both men and women. I’ve probably had about the same amount of sexual partners of both sexes. I was more into guys in high school because it was kinda new to me and I was exploring my sexuality a lot. As I came to the end of high school I started hanging with a different crowd. The popular kids one would say. I refrained from sleeping with guys although the attraction was there it wasn’t worth the drama. Now I’m in College and although I’m physically attracted to guys it’s only in a sexual way. Women are not only attractive to me but I enjoy sex with them more mainly due to the emotions that come with it. It feels more natural and honestly vagina feels so much better than ass in my opinion. There’s a shit ton of back-story I have regarding my sexuality. But I was sexually abused as a child and I’m not sure how much this plays into my situation.

32. Whenever I’m dating a guy there tend to be a lot more arguments than with a girl.

Bisexual girl here, whenever I’m dating a guy there tend to be a lot more arguments than with a girl. Guys can’t necessarily go on in bed for hours, girls can. I feel like I am more sexually attracted to females but get more emotionally attached to males. And guys automatically think you’re super up to the idea of a threesome, even if you’re not.

33. I can share clothes with a girl. I can also share menstrual supplies.

There really isn’t a lot of difference to me (I’m a bisexual girl). The only differences I can think of: -I’m more hesitant to say I have a girlfriend than to say I have a boyfriend, in case the other person is homophobic. -When with a boy, there’s always a tiny fear of pregnancy that I would obviously never think of when with a girl. -I can share clothes with a girl. I can also share menstrual supplies.

34. Gay guys and bi/straight girls are what you’d expect: feminine, dramatic, emotional, vindictive.

Well if you’re actually talking about dating and not just fucking, I’m not sure I’ve seen one male perspective in this entire thread that really takes a look since in my experience 99% of men who say they’re bi are just horny and would suck a dick but not date a guy. And “I used to be bi, now I’m gay”… ya you’re gay and it just took you this long to get there.

As an actual bi guy in his 30’s who has romantically dated both men and woman, the differences are stereotypical but more so based on their demeanor as a gay/bi individual. Also every single person is different so I’ve experienced both men and women who were either gay or bi with similar traits. But for the majority… gay guys and bi/straight girls are what you’d expect: feminine, dramatic, emotional, vindictive. Bi men (and the few gay women I know but obviously not dated): matter of fact, can be closed when it comes to opening up when something’s wrong but are VERY attached to their mates.

As far as sex goes, there’s no real defining factor, everyone is different regardless of sexuality.

35. I love my boyfriend, but sometimes I still miss having a boob-pillow.

Men in general are hotter. I don’t mean sexier. I mean they’re like radiators. And women have got these great pillow attachments that make sleeping on their chest great. I love my boyfriend, but sometimes I still miss having a boob-pillow. TC mark