Thought Catalog
March 4, 2015

25 People Share Their Most Embarrassing Masturbation Moments

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Flickr / Elvert Barnes
Flickr / Elvert Barnes
Found on AskReddit.

1. An old woman’s pubes.

Was 13, saw the pubes of a 50-year-old (maybe even older) woman, went into the bathroom and spanked the monkey. Not proud of myself…

2. Pizza dough.

Pizza dough.

Hear me out: I worked in a restaurant for a few years, and we had to make pizza dough and cut it into small 250g portions and rolling them into balls of dough. After a while, being a horny 16-17yo, I noticed the pizza dough had a really similar feeling as boobs, and even a similar shape. So at the end of one of my shifts, I left with 3 of these dough balls and went back home.

Once alone at home, I got them out, started feeling them like they were boobs, but it didn’t get me hot like I thought it would. So I made a incision in one of them, put a condom on, and started fucking that little dough ball like crazy, while groping/sucking on the others (let these titties ones in Ziploc bags, I didn’t really want to suck on raw dough…).

It did the job, but then I was so ashamed, I had a bit of trouble cutting / rolling pizza dough without laughing at myself for how much of a loser I was, having sex with pizza dough.

3. My mom’s panties.

My mother’s underwear. I did not do it because they were hers, but because they were women’s underwear. WTH was I thinking?

4. The video of the babysitter giving my dad head.

The video of the babysitter giving my dad head.

Yes, it happens, people.

5. The sound of my parents having sex.

The sound of my parents having sex. I was 12.

6. An Aerosmith music video.

An Aerosmith music video. It was the 90s, the Internet wasn’t around yet.

7. I drew a camel toe on the foggy shower door and cranked down.

When I was like 13 I had a fetish for camel toes so one time I drew one on the foggy shower door and cranked down. Don’t even think I added boobs just straight cam-toe.

8. Amputated ebony midget porn.

Amputated ebony midget porn.

9. The Bible.

The Bible.

I came from a very religious family and my internet activities are closely monitored. I had to take what I can get.

Oh and there’s tons of fucked up shit in the Bible…incest, rape, decapitation after rape…

10. The flaps of an Airbus A320.

An Airbus A320. Had a seat behind the wing and watching the flaps deploy for landing just did something for me.

Had a decent wank in the hotel room thinking about them.

11. The sound of my roommate and his girlfriend banging.

The sound of my roommate and his gf (also was a roommate) banging. She would moan so loud the entire apartment building could hear. They’d go at it for a half hour… I’d just walk out into the living room, with all the lights off, wearing nothing and shoot my load and go back to bed.

12. A girl getting it on with her dog.

I guess the most fucked up shameful thing I’ve jerked to was a post somewhere where a girl described getting it on with her dog. It was written kind of raw, but afterwards I was like "WTF did I just do? Nooo!!!"

13. Orgy porn of lesbians with Adam’s apples.

Was watching a female lesbian orgy porn on cable when I was a teen. Fapped and came with the force of thousand suns, after I cleaned myself up I noticed every one of those ladies had an Adam’s apple.

14. Girls vomiting on girls.

One girl vomiting on another girl’s face.

15. HIV porn.

A guy getting filled with a jar of HIV-positive cum.

16. Dirty messages from Dad’s ex-girlfriend.

When I was a teenager I found some audio files with gibberish names on my Dad’s iTunes account. turned out to be a series of dirty messages he had saved from his ex-girlfriend. I copied them to a flash drive and jacked off to them for a week or two.

17. A couple having sex on a dead bear.

A couple having sex on a dead bear. What am I doing with my life…

18. Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman.

My first time ever: Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman.

19. My mom.

My mom.

20. A woman pushing long needles through her boobs.

A woman pushing long needles through her boobs.

21. An erotic dream about Janeane Garofalo.

When I was twelve I had a dream that Janeane Garofalo and I were in a playhouse in my back yard. She pee’d her pants and then pulled a urine saturated wash cloth from her jeans. She got embarrassed and left. Then I grabbed the washcloth and sucked the pee out of it.

When I woke up I was simultaneously weirded out and aroused by the dream’s subject matter.

…I beat it like it owed me money.

22. Sandy urethra.

When I was in my early teens I had a raging hard on while at the beach. I guess I kinda tried to stick my dick in the sand, which led to sand in my urethra. It was extremely unpleasant for the rest if the vacation. So I guess I kinda got my first std from the jersey shore.

23. My ex-wife.

My ex-wife.

24. This one’s sad.

I once masturbated through tears as I listened to my wife make love to a stranger over the intercom.

My wife and I had an open relationship. We were young and dumb and it was never smooth. I guess when we acted on it, it actually began a long, slow, painful death of our relationship.

This incident took place way late in the marriage. We’d bought a house with having space and other lovers living with us in mind. As time went on, space between us became more important than having room for other lovers living with us.

By this time, I was living in the mother-in-law apartment and she was living in the main house. She and my lover had gone to some sort of conference together. I don’t remember what it was even about, but there they met this photographer guy. Some weeks after the conference, he came to visit.

My wife and I were not very close by this time, maybe even talking about divorce. I don’t remember.

I’d never gotten around to removing the intercom the prior owners had installed and I have to admit part of the reason why was so I could listen to her in the main house. Well, this night was hard.

She was having sex with this guy and I always found the sound of her excited breathing so very erotic.

So…turned on by her breathing and saddened by the fact that our marriage was dying and that she wasn’t making love with me, she wasn’t breathing that way with me, I masturbated and cried at the same time. I was all over the place.

I eventually got around to removing the intercom.

We divorced, she remarried and moved away.

I’ve decided to abandon the house.

25. This thread.

I’m masturbating to this thread right now. TC mark

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