November 4, 2014

37 People Share Their Real-Life Sexual Horror Stories (NSFW)

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Guryanov Andrey / (Shutterstock.com)
Guryanov Andrey / (Shutterstock.com)
Found on AskReddit.

1. Hair all the way to the tip.

HE HAD HAIR ALL THE WAY TO THE TIP.

2. MY TONGUE IS LONGER THAN YOUR DICK.

I pull down his pants, don’t look, just go straight at it with my mouth. BOOM. MY LIPS HIT. HIS. FUCKING. BALLS. BEFORE I FELT HIS DICK. I’m talking like 2.5 inches and the dude was rock hard. The best description I can give is maybe a 5:1 scale candy corn. The definition of a chode….I went down on him for a few more seconds to be cool and then he TALKED DIRTY TO ME. LIKE DONT GET COCKY. MY TONGUE IS LONGER THAN YOUR DICK.

3. Like a clitoris with testes underneath.

A micropenis so small I had to part the pubic hair to see the head of his cock. He wanted a blowjob, I tried valiantly but there was nothing to put in my mouth. It was like a clitoris in a bush with testes underneath. He was really proud, and said things like “Yeah you want this cock, don’t you?” which was confusing.

4. A tattoo of a grandmother’s face on a dude’s inner thigh.

I’m not going to lie–I’ve had a lot of casual sex…I have seen some shit….

Foreskin dick cheese deposits abundant enough to serve alongside a bag of Tostitos. A dick so tiny that the average clit is more robust, but atop VERY sizable balls. Smells so putrid emanating from deep within private orifices that I physically teared up or gagged. A tattoo of a grandmother’s face on a dude’s inner thigh, her mouth slightly ajar aside his member. Pimples–not ingrown hairs, not genital warts, but what appeared to be not unlike cystic acne–dispersed around the labia majora trailing to the inside of her. On a similar note, a guy with a monstrous liquid-filled bubble toward the tip of his penis, not unlike the blisters my porcelain Irish skin gets if I get a particularly bad sunburn on my shoulders. As you can imagine, said conquests did not result in coitus.

5. It was like a knotted-up rubber pencil.

Clothes come off, and there… Is the skinniest, most twisted penis I’ve ever seen. It was like a knotted-up rubber pencil or something. It sounds so stupid, but it freaked me out a bit. I said buttfukkit, went for it anyway. Guy was terrible in bed, no care at all for pleasing me, just jackhammering and fishflopping til he was done.

Went through that situation another 3 times before I called it quits. Mostly for the lack of connection, but pencil Penis and awful sex definitely had their part in that.

6. Teriyaki hairpiece?

I’ll never forget this …. Even til this day, if I close my eyes, I can still smell that stench like it was 6 inches in front of me.

I really can’t describe the smell in words. Teriyaki hairpiece? It smelled like if someone fed a human being nothing but feces and vomit for three straight years, and collected all of that person’s bowel movements over that time, killed them, ground up their body and bowel movements into a sludge, placed that sludge into a diaper and left it on a Brazilian hotel roof over the summer, retrieved the diaper, placed it into in a sauna, somehow bottled the smell inside the room in liquid form, and then sprayed it in my face like a lady in the fragrance section of a department store.

7. I came face to face with something resembling a large tangle of deli meats.

I shuffle down and my head goes between her thighs, tease my way up, slide across her underwear and come face to face with something resembling a large tangle of deli meats.

I did try my best but after 10min of wearing this cold flesh suit on my face I had lost what little motivation I had and getting it up for this girl had become impossible.

TL:DR – Had to prop up a girl’s labia with my forehead.

8. It looked like Albert Einstein.

It looked like Albert Einstein….

9. I can always smell my girl’s butthole.

I can always smell my girl’s butthole when we bang. Not sure how I feel about it.

10. You do…wash it, don’t you?

I went out with this guy who was 30 years old and still a virgin and uncircumcised. After a while , when we started exploring sexually, I was playing with his noodle and started to pull back his foreskin. He stopped me, saying it doesn’t work like that, his foreskin doesn’t go back. Me being the experienced girl I was , told him, ummm yeah it does, how do you think you wash it….. you do….wash it don’t you? He never did, I was too scared to even look. Apparently he was never taught to pull his foreskin back to clean it.

11. Lice all over my hand.

Had a nasty surprise in high school: had hooked up with a freshmen at a party who seemed cool, she was funny, smart, and seemed into me, made our way to the basement as all the bedrooms were occupied, started making out, pulled off her pants and went to town, and immediately froze. I could feel something small moving on my face.

No lights down there and I didn’t want to freak her out if I was just imagining things, so I casually ran my fingers through her muff…came away with lice, fucking lice all over my hand. Screamed like a bitch shook my hand like mad and bolted with pants still undone back upstairs to the nearest bathroom to make sure none of the fuckers were still on me. Needless to say did not get lucky that night.

12. It’s a stench you never forget.

Oh God, I started to massage a guy’s penis over his pants. I pulled them down to see he was uncircumcised. I pulled the foreskin back and it was loaded with smegma. It was yellow and had the most foul stench. It’s a stench you never forget.
I was blunt and told him he smelled cheesy. It ruined the mood.

13. Like a turtlehead hidden in its shell.

Was seeing a morbidly obese guy. While soft it was like a turtlehead hidden in its shell (FUPA). Like a belly button with fat balls underneath it.

14. It was like I was running my hand through Bob Ross’s hair.

In college I tried so hard to convince myself this girl who liked me was cute. She comes home with me but I shared a bedroom and lived with three other guys so we didn’t have anywhere private to go. I decided we’d go down to the dank, unfinished, stonewalled basement where there happened to be a futon. We start making out, I can kind of smell her body odor over the mildew smell of the basement, but whatever. I trucked on. Put my hand down her pants and it was like I was running my hand through Bob Ross’s hair, fullest bush ever. I just kind of slowed down and pretended to fall asleep. It was a pathetic exit strategy. I’m not proud.

15. Pig in a blanket!

I had a girlfriend with super long/stretchy pussy lips, she would wrap them around my penis LIKE TWICE and be like “look, a pig in a blanket!”

16. I thought Bush was out of office.

About 4 years ago, I went home with a chick once who had an insane amount of pubic hair. I was not about to stick my face in it, but was too kind (and drunk) to say so. So I say something like, “Damn, dude, I thought Bush was out of office.” She was pissed. She put her pants back on and told me to leave. I’m an asshole.

17. A charnel house of male arousal.

As I kissed my way to the top of her full bush, a creeping, tingling dread formed in the back of my mind. It wasn’t a waft of an unpleasant odor. It was a thick, set stench arising from her genitalia. A mix of genital BO (a stronger, worse smell than that of the armpits); sweaty, post-workout scum, the unrelenting reek of an unwashed cunt; and lastly, the taste of menstrual blood. This charnel house of male arousal had seeped into and permeated all of her prodigious bush.

18. Later I found out she had herpes.

It happened one and a half year ago, the day I lost my virginity. After a day of enjoying my girlfriends company, going to the movies eating a pizza it was time to go home. Her parents were not home at that time, as they were in Berlin. After making out for quite some time, she decided we would finally do the deed. I removed her panties to at least try to eat her out (my first time). She had these warts, and I had no idea what they were. I thought they were somewhat natural, so I went on with it. Later I found out she had herpes and now, so do I. For those of you wondering, no we did not have Sex Ed where I lived.

19. It was as dense and thick as a Jackson Five-era ‘fro.

Pulled pants off, and it was as dense and thick as a Jackson Five-era ‘fro. As I tried to withdraw tendrils of hairs lashed out and dragged me down against my will.

20. Skid marks on his jocks.

Yes I was seeing this guy. He was an intelligent, good looking professional and we had heaps of fun together. One day we are about to have a quickie in the car at a park on the way to the airport and I get his pants down and am about to put his cock in my mouth when I notice he has skid marks on his jocks! Lost my urge pretty quick. What grown up can’t wipe their own arse?

21. Patches of hair on her tits.

First girl I ever got a shirt off of had patches of hair on her tits. We were about 11 or 12 at the time. I just figured that real girls and girls in porn looked different. Surprised me though. I even bit one hair and pulled it out with my teeth. She just yelled then laughed. We were good friends for a while before this.

The girl after that had a forest of pimple around her inner thighs. I screamed when I first went down there. It freaked her out and she covered herself and started crying.

22. All FOUR fingers slide in EASILY.

Met a girl at a pub, long story short I ended up at her house. We’re making out in the bed. I put her panties down, then run my hand down her belly over her pussy expecting to slide one finger in. All FOUR fingers slide in EASILY. I fucked her for a while but it was pretty pointless, so I fisted her and had a blast!

23. It was like that Fear Gas the Scarecrow used on Batman to bring out all of his worst memories.

The smell. My god, the smell. It didn’t creep into the room. It didn’t slowly escalate. Those jeans came off and I got full on smacked in the face by a dead skunk. It was like that Fear Gas the Scarecrow used on Batman to bring out all of his worst memories. I was instantly back in Chinatown, skating past a seafood market, men cutting the heads off dead fish and displaying them on spear hooks in the summer sun. Then I was getting hit by a cab, thrown across the road, my head bloody against a dirty sewer. I began to tremble. “Holy fuck Sandy,” I said, tears welling in my eyes, the meatball parm I’d eaten for lunch rising in my stomach, threatening to make a reappearance. “It smells like you swam to school today!”

24. It was like her vagina was Velcro’d shut.

She was so hairy that it was difficult to find an opening. It was like her vagina was Velcro’d shut. I picked her up, carried her to the bathroom and sat her on the toilet. I got my beard trimmer and gave her a quick buzz.

25. Boob stigmata.

Banged this emo/punk chick once, who dyed all of her hair different colors… including her pubes… it was bright purple, and apparently she had had to bleach it first since she was a brunette, anyway it all fell out while we were having sex. There was a clump of it that fell out of my sheet when I was doing laundry, scared the shit out of me.

Another time I was making out with this other woman and when I took her bra off, her nipples were bleeding. It was like boob stigmata or some shit.

26. She pooped on my sweatshirt.

There was shit literally all over this girl’s ass. but not like she shit herself, but like she has no clue how to wipe her ass, and hasn’t for weeks. Like just a huge clump of fecal matter directly on her asshole, that got sandwiched between her ass and smeared throughout her pants. At that point I was too far in, and way too nice to be like “whoa, look, you’re pretty and all, but you have shit all over you and I’m going to have to stop this right here.”

So I kept going, and it got worse. She ends up leading me to a chair, and thinks she’s giving me a real treat by doing me reverse cowgirl on it, with her shitty ass rocking back and fourth closer and closer to me. eventually, it literally hits me and I end up with a HUGE shit stain on my sweatshirt, which I was still wearing for some strange reason, again I was kinda drunk. I end up faking an orgasm, throwing the condom out before she has time to realize what I did, and just going to sleep.

Seriously changed the way I look at beautiful women. Some may call it PTSD.

TL:DR Nailed hot girl, she was covered in poop and pooped on my sweatshirt. never called her again.

27. I could eat cereal out of this thing.

Candles are lit, mood is set…. Pants come down… And…. BAM. BLACK HOLE SIZED VAJAYJAY. I COULD EAT CEREAL OUT OF THIS THING.

28. Fairly hairy nipples.

I was with a girl once who had fairly hairy nipples. I was rather disconcerted at first, but got over it pretty fast. She was willing to have sex with me after all.

29. Side-loading urethra.

I hooked up with a guy whose pee hole was like on the side of his dick. it was very awkward and it was a small dick too.

30. Cheap perfume on gray pubes.

Former call girl here. Some notable things I have seen:

1) Botched circumcision that left “penile skin bridges” (Google it and then hate me) completely around the entire shaft where it meets the head. I had never seen so many on one dick. Some guys have one or two but this was like a dozen. So gross. No sex was had. I just couldn’t.

2) I’ve seen three micropenises. I’m not saying that to be mean. These penises were small enough to fit the medical definition of micropenis. So small I couldn’t physically have traditional intercourse with them. Not a big deal though and not their fault.

3) Only seen one or two uncircumcised penises and I recall one had the most thick, sour cream smegma on it that I just about lost my lunch. Think about that. I had been an escort for almost a decade and this was so bad I almost threw up at the sight of it (never got close enough to smell it).

4) A really nice old man with hip issues was a regular and in an attempt to hide his funk he would spray what was clearly his wife’s cheap perfume into his gray pubes…needless to say we liked to take long showers ASAP.

31. I was eating out Chewbacca.

Took off her pants. I don’t think she’s ever shaved. Ever. Like, in her life.

She took my head and practically made me go down on her forest-laden vagina.

Ultimately, I thought I was eating out Chewbacca because there was so much hair.

By the end of it, I was pulling out strands of pubes from my mouth and gagging. I ultimately coughed up what can only be known as fur balls like I was a fucking cat.

32. Cottage cheese.

Two words. Cottage cheese.

33. It was like rotting meat and junior-high locker room had a love child.

I take off his pants and I’m already on my knees so this thing is like, all up in my face and let me tell you, it was a god-dammed nightmare of a penis. He wasn’t circumcised, his balls were all loose and saggy, his dick was small and barely sticking out of its flesh sock, I’ve never seen more pubic hair per square inch in my life, and the smell…. oh the fucking smell…. it was like rotting meat and junior-high locker room had a love child. I’d never been more terrified of a penis. I literally said “I think I’m gonna vomit”. He assumed it was from all the alcohol, I didn’t correct him. And now it’s referred to as “that night we almost had sex but you can’t hold your liquor” and I’m totally ok with that.

34. They were flatter than the tire on a car that demolished some tire spikes.

One of my last rando hook-ups was kinda bad, but only because she had incredibly flat tits. In a bra, they looked perky and awesome, but the second they left the shirt they were flatter than the tire on a car that demolished some tire spikes.

35. It smelled like what I imagine the Holocaust to smell like.

Second girlfriend I ever had was a bit on the heavier side, hence there was more friction and sweating down there. I had not really noticed (aside from wondering why my bed sheets occasionally smelled a little funky) until she requested that I go down on her. And since she was, as most big girls are, excellent at blowjobs, I agreed. What I descended into smelled like what I imagine the Holocaust to smell like. Just suffering everywhere you turn.

36. It was like kissing a mound of caterpillars.

Everything was going pretty well until I went down on her. Pubic hair in the deepest folds. It was like kissing a mound of caterpillars.

37. Colostomy bag.

A gay friend of mine took a guy home. Got his pants off. Revealed colostomy bag. Still sucked him off. TC mark

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