Thought Catalog
January 6, 2017

Even Though It Breaks My Heart I’m Going To Let You Go Today

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@herzblut
@herzblut

You are the easiest person I have ever loved.

I’ve never met someone who makes me as happy to be alive as you do. You remind me of how good it feels to let time pass with someone else, but how crisp the air is when that someone is gone. You make me want to wake up early in the mornings so I don’t miss a moment with you, and you simultaneously make me want to stay awake late so I can hear everything you have to say. You’re like a weekday morning in the middle of summer when I don’t have to go to work, and I never want this to end.

You are the first person I’ve ever really, truly wanted to learn.

I want to know about your childhood, about your angsty teen years, about your adulthood. I want to know what gets you out of bed every morning and what keeps you awake at night. I want to know the foods you like and the places you have travelled and the weird pet peeves you have.

Everything about you, I want to inhale with one breath and exhale back with an exorbitant amount of love. There isn’t a thing about you I want to change, and I hope that you are forever the strange, crazy, soul that you are.

Because that’s what makes you beautiful.

You’re beautiful in every aspect of the word, and I’ve never felt so much love for another soul.

But life is getting in the way of this love, and I’m not sure how much more pain I can exude onto us. We’ve both known this for a while, yet we don’t want to admit it. We’d rather continue to impale ourselves with our own weapons instead of passing the weaponry onto a safer space. We keep our silence, knowing that the longer we do, the more painful it will be later on.

How could we have ever let life get in the way of us? Isn’t life supposed to work in favor of two people who are meant for each other, not against it?

If that is the case, then why does loving you seem like the most transcendent experience with such a high cost? Why does it seem like every obstacle we have managed to jump keeps appearing in the darkest of nights with no warning?

Why does it seem like our own lives, what we love, is working against our love? Shouldn’t this be different?

Maybe it is best, instead of wondering and hoping and wishing that things will be different, instead of working against whatever life is throwing at us, instead of being tired and angry because time is separating us more than we would like, that we part.

Trust me, I never thought I would see the day when I thought I should leave you. But if we are causing more harm together, then maybe we should cause happiness for ourselves apart. We should be able to live our lives to the fullest, and the fullest part of our lives may still be yet to come.

So don’t take this as goodbye. It will never truly be a goodbye, because you will always be the best memories of my life.

You’ll always be there, in my mind, living in my dreams so vividly that it won’t feel like dreams, but that’s all that we are. We are just dreams to one another, an experience we will never forget, and I hope that the rest of your experiences are just as remarkable as this one we had together.

Please know that this breaks my heart. Nothing has ever broken my heart more than letting you go. But you deserve so much more beyond this, and I don’t want to be the one that holds you back from a fuller life.

I hope I always stay in your mind, somewhere, even when life consumes you and you find happiness somewhere else. Please don’t ever let me go. TC mark