October 27, 2011

An Imagined Voicemail From Jolene To Dolly Parton

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What is the issue?

“Hey Dolly. I… wow. Ok, so, congratulations, first of all. The song seems like a big hit. Second, I guess, thanks? For the stuff you said? At least, I hope it was meant as a compliment. But, honestly, it’s pretty messed up that you think I would try to take Jim away from you. I mean, look, I’m sorry that your boyfriend, what was it? Talks about me in his sleep? Yeah, I mean that sucks. But I’m not exactly thrilled about it either, you know? It’s a little creepy. Er, I didn’t mean to call your boyfriend creepy. Except, there’s just this vibe… sorry, off topic.

Anyway, Dolly, we need to talk about self-esteem for a minute. Again, let me say, I do appreciate the lovely, um, compliments, but maybe cool it on the self-deprecation, ok? Hun, you’re like a size 2 blonde with breasts the size of watermelons, excuse the bluntness. I don’t think you have anything to worry about. And just for the record, Bobby Miller totally ditched me at Sandy’s party last year when you came in, so maybe tone down the martyr stuff. Sorry, that was unnecessary.

Also, you’re a professional singer, so, uh, the thing about my voice was weird. I don’t really get how a voice sounds like summer rain, so I can’t really say if yours sounds like that. But it’s definitely nice. Really nice! And just between us? I totally wear colored contacts. So, I guess I’m just calling to say like, relax a little. And maybe Jim is kind of a douche? Just think about that. I know, I know, you’ll never love again, but girl, come on. Ok, call me back. Let’s get margaritas soon.” TC mark

image – Alan Light

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