September 22, 2016

I’m So Over Being The Girl You’ll Hook Up With But Never Date

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What is the issue?
Bianca des Jardins
Bianca des Jardins

Four years ago, I got out of a relationship with someone I truly cared about, who I know cared about me. We broke up; it was mutual. We weren’t each other’s “forevers,” and I think we both learned that around the same time. So we started to unravel, and finally went our separate ways.

For a while, I was excited about being single. It had been so long. I could have anyone, whenever I wanted, and that feeling built my confidence. It made me feel desired by many, instead of just one, and when you’re newly single, that’s a good feeling. It was exactly how I wanted to feel, in fact.

But what followed was a series of “almosts,” and after a while, that really starts to drain on you. I learned all too quickly that I am not a one-night-only kind of girl. I am not interested in seeing someone for one night and then never again. I never have before, and while I don’t judge other people for going that route, for me, if there is no longevity to our hook up, I don’t want to bother.

So instead, I picked people who I felt that I could get close to, which seemed like the right choice. After all, even if I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I knew that I would not be satisfied hooking up with someone who made me feel nothing. But that will always lead to a standstill, because ultimately, if you want to only hook up to people you can get close to, but neither of you wants a relationship, there has to be an expiration date. And that’s been my problem…for too long.

I used to come into a hook up situation brimming with confidence, wanting to make a connection with someone but not build a future with them. I would make it clear that all I wanted was a casual (but recurring) hook up, a fling, or whatever you want to call it.

But now I feel like I’ve sectioned myself off into being the girl you hook up with, but not the girl you have a relationship with. And after four years, I’m over it.

I have had conversations with men I’m hooking up with, who were my friends before any of that, and had them tell me to my face that they don’t want to try having a relationship with me. And I truly just don’t get it. We share things with each other, we have amazing physical chemistry, we are close, we make each other laugh. And I don’t understand how that doesn’t qualify us to even try to have a relationship?

For so long, I feel like I’ve been done with being the relationship-adjacent girl. But even now that I’m actively trying to be upfront about the fact that I’m looking for a relationship, and only moving forward with people slowly, who I could actually see something with, I still hit a snag every time. I wait to bring up my feelings until the time is right, and still, men seem to say “oh, well, I didn’t know you were looking for anything serious,” or “I just don’t think this is the right time for me to have a relationship,” or whatever the hell they say when they, apparently, want to hook up with you but not actually have anything real with you.

I am just fucking sick of it. I am sick of putting myself out there and having someone not want to move beyond a certain point with me because they suffer from Maybe The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side syndrome. I’m sick of connecting with someone who I thought was just a friend, building feelings for them, only for them to tell me they only ever want to be “just friends.” I’m sick of dating and dating, but never moving beyond that point. Never going from Seeing Each Other, to being In A Relationship. And I’m frustrated, because I can’t tell if I put myself in this corner, or if the men I am with are the ones who push me into the Hook Up Only zone.

By either way, I know with certainty that all I want to do is say FUCK THIS. I am done with “just talking” to guys. I am done telling them my exact intentions, and then having them flake on me when we start to get serious. I am done being there for guys who say they want support and a relationship, but really just want me to be available whenever they want me in their bed. I am done going along with their timeline, and putting my own agenda on the back burner. I am done with being the Casual Girl. It isn’t me anymore. TC mark

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