I Don’t Want A Wedding, I Want A Marriage
By Liz Brownlee
I was never the little girl who planned her wedding. I never wanted the big affair, the dress, the ring. None of it. I always assumed that would change when I met the right person. I thought “he will make me want that stuff, because I will want to be with him.” I’ve met the man, and I still want none of it.
The argument for weddings has never affected me. I’m not attractive, not pretty. I’m the girl the most people would say “she has a great personality!” about if they tried to set us up. This has never bothered me. I’ve always known that the man who picked me would do so for my brains and skills, not for my size twelve body or my mediocre face. I’ve always appreciated myself more as a woman when my intelligence and skill is recognised than when someone lies to my face and calls me beautiful.
So this calls the question, why would I spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on a dress that I still won’t look good in and parade myself in front of people? It would do nothing for my self esteem. In the same regard, there would be no photographer to capture the “event”. There would be no way I would spend the money on photographs I have no intentions of using, or, let’s be entirely honest, of keeping.
I also, quite clearly, have no desire to spend the money on a wedding. I will happily pay for a marriage liscence and get married by a justice of the peace (hell, I’d accost a minister at the mall food court if I thought he’d sign the paperwork). I will not pay thousands of dollars to book the church and for a reception. I just won’t do it. There’s no point. Everyone says ” the wedding day is for the bride.” No, no, it is most certainly not.
Weddings are no longer about celebrating the love and commitment of two people joining themselves for eternity. They are about everyone else. Every other person has an opinion and knows just how “your” day should be. If you do not have the right menu options, or the correct dress, or the music isn’t exactly what everyone else wants, it’s drama. I love my family, but I know I cannot please all of them. I’m not sure I can please most of them.
The idea of a “Big Day” makes me absolutely sick. Weddings are the least important day of a marriage. A marriage isn’t built on the color of your flowers, or the songs your DJ plays. A marriage is built on the moments you actually spend together, because, let’s be honest, you spend exactly zero quality time together at your wedding.
The moments that take work and love to get through. A job loss, a death of someone beloved, the birth of your children, the joys of making a home and life together, and the sorrows that life may bring build a marriage. The constant strengthening of the covenant builds a marriage. Couple starting out generally have very little, why start your marriage in a stressful debt?
The man I love, the one I have chosen to commit my time and effort to love without fail, does not need me to make a “Big Day”. He needs me to make a big life. A lifetime filled with all the love, honesty, and support I could ever give to another human being.
He needs me to help show our son how to grow and be successful. He needs me to support our future children and to support him. He needs me to be a wife for a lifetime, not a bride for the day. To wake up next to and take on the day together.
I want that. That love and support, that family, that lifetime.
I want a marriage.