Facebook Notifications I Keep Checking For
Anderson Cooper and 5,999,999,999 others like your status and your general disposition, opinions, sense of humor, and life choices.
Oprah Winfrey invited you the event LIVE WITH ME FOREVER: I’LL TAKE CARE OF YOU!!
Paul Rudd, Ryan Gosling, and Christian Bale have shirtlessly listed you as their wife.
Barack Obama has tagged you in 4,000 photos in the album Hangin’ With My Fave Ppl.
That Guy Who Is A Friend Of A Friend Of A Friend And Wears Adorable Woody Allen Glasses But Who You Were Sure Didn’t Know Your Name has accepted your friend request and is confidently interested in you sexually.
Zooey Deschanel approved your request to join the group People Who Get To Do And Be In Fun Things All The Time.
Your Acquaintance Who Is Wealthier Than You has deleted all of her Photos From Her Trip To Greece.
Your Mother’s Sister will no longer comment on all of your status updates by signing them “love Aunt Grace keep in tuoch looks like your havin fun!!!”
Your Gorgeous Happily Married Crush From High School is now listed as “divorced.”
Alan Alda and All Noble Horses/Steeds want to be your friend.
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You’re not nice, honey, you’re bitter.
If you can’t afford to tip. EAT. AT. HOME. In fact don’t eat at all. Go starve and die.
“GET OFF HER HAIR, IDIOT!”
I’m not made of porcelain and I’m not going to break if you use the wrong words or reveal yourself to be a terrible person.