Thought Catalog
June 15, 2017

Give Me Time To Mend My Heart

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What is the issue?
Sollers

Oh, the irony of having the right person enter your life at the entirely wrong time. Oh, the irony of using the word irony completely wrong. Me: Recovering from a devastating and recent breakup. You: Incredibly eager to fall in love. Our beings could not have aligned at the most inconvenient time (thanks, Tinder!) In an attempt to find a middle ground to satisfy both our desires, I have not shut down the idea of dating you altogether. However, when I say slow down, I’m not trying to be cute. Respect my caution or, buh-bye.

In my recovery from heartbreak I have promised myself to take the proper steps to ensure that it doesn’t happen again unnecessarily, to myself or anybody else undeserving (you). My biggest thing has always been- Actions speak louder than words. And say what you mean and mean what you say. It is quite simple. I’ve added another thing to my list of necessary things – when I tell you to slow down, don’t speed up. When I tell you I’m scared, don’t disregard it. When I express my uneasiness, don’t nod superficially. When I ask you to do something, don’t do the entirely opposite thing (…what the fuck?!) You know when you’re about to orgasm, and you let it known, and then he flips his whole technique and then it’s all lost? This, is us. I’d love to prolong that about-to-cum feeling.

What it boils down to really- show me that you respect my feelings. If you can’t respect this, you don’t respect me, and you’ll lead me astray just as the others did before you. Maybe your intentions are cute and innocent, maybe they’re conniving and malicious. Your actions and his both signify the exact same thing – selfishly acting up what feels good to you without considering my feelings, without pondering the repercussions. You’re proving to me very early on that my feelings don’t matter; that you will act accordingly to how it makes you feel, regardless. Red Flag.

I’ve said this from the very beginning, I wanted to hang out and take it slow. You started calling me your girlfriend before the discussion arose. I’ve told you about my insecurities with maintaining friendships while in relationships and still you beg to make plans when mine already exist. I’ve sent you text messages at 5am ridden with anxiety about my unpreparedness for all of this. And in no less than three days after, you introduce me to your family. You invite me to numerous weddings telling me your “whole universe of friends” will be there (but not to worry). You visit my favorite city and tell me you’d like to move there with me. Despite how thrilling and adoring these romantic gestures may be, these are milestones in a relationship I only explore with someone I know I’m prepared to love. And I’m not. And you know this. You’ve disregarded my feelings and your own logic and have nobody to blame but yourself when you inevitably get hurt.

And slowing down is not at all a matter of playing hard to get. It’s done purposefully to tread carefully around matters of the heart, my own and yours. And in no way am I saying to put on the breaks, full stop, so I can get out of the passenger seat. I enjoy your company, tremendously. Why can’t we continue enjoying each other’s company without adding so many unnecessary factors so soon, potentially contributing to this relationship’s premature demise? So, slow down. Let’s enjoy the sights and sounds, without the risk of crashing. I can’t help but hum that Kanye tune when I think of you- you need to pump your breaks and drive slow homie. TC mark