When I was in fourth grade, two girls were fighting over who was my “best friend.” Without thinking about the social repercussions of what I was about to say, I yelled “You want to know who my best friend is?! MY MOM.” Everyone laughed and then realized I was weird and they didn’t want to be my best friend anyway. Looking back, even though I committed social suicide, I stand by my statement.
Anyone who knows me personally knows that my mom is my biggest fan and ultimate bestie. Essentially, she’s the only person who actually cares about what is going on in my life, loves me even when I’m being a complete bitch and hangs onto my every word as if my story about what I ate for lunch is equivalent to spreading the gospel. If you are fortunate enough to have a mother who also doubles as your number one home girl and gets angrier with your friends when they screw you over than you do, then you can relate to the following.
1. You always say, “I love you.”
Whether I’m venturing off on a weeklong trip across the country, or simply going to pee while I’m visiting home, I feel compelled to say, “I love you” before I exit a room. I mean, if there is anyone in the world that you can obsessively tell that you love them it’s your mom, right? Or maybe also your dog, because I feel like moms and dogs rarely take out restraining orders against people.
2. She needs to know every last detail about your dates.
Once you’re finished having dinner and drinks with your future husband (or some fuckboy you met on Bumble), you might THINK you’re going home to relax but in reality, you’re walking into an FBI interrogation led by none other than your mom. It doesn’t matter whether you live at home or not, you best believe the next time you visit your parents house that the minute you walk in the door, the bright lights will come on and you can’t have the tuna fish sandwich she made you until you write a manifesto on this dude. Be ready to divulge every single detail about your potential suitor including but not limited to date of birth, astrological sign, complete medical history, drivers license number, photocopy of family tree and social security number. Also, “It was our first date mom, so no I didn’t think to ask if he possesses any genes that may cause birth defects in our future children” is not an acceptable response and when she says he’s cute, do not respond with “how would you possibly know that” because obviously she found him on LinkedIn already.
3. You talk multiple times a day.
When your mom is your BFF, you check in several times a day to say “hi” or “what’s new” or “hey can you please stop sending me links to my horoscope because I don’t really believe in that shit.” If on a rare occasion, you are too busy to touch base, there’s a more than likely chance that you will turn on the TV to find your picture plastered on the local news via an Amber Alert. At first you’ll think this is dramatic, but hey at least someone cares and you’ll never turn into one of those people who died in their apartment but didn’t get discovered until 12 days later so that’s always a plus.
4. You tell her everything.
My mom knows things that I probably could never communicate to any other human being ever. Have a stomachache? Went on a great date? Went on a really shitty date? Saw a cute bunny rabbit? Ate a chicken nugget that kind of resembled a giraffe? GOTTA TELL MOM.
5. She’s always honest, even when it hurts.
If you and your mom have a comfortable, open relationship, then you know you have someone who will always give it to you straight. She isn’t afraid to tell you that the guy you’re dating is a loser or that the outfit you’re wearing makes you look like you have to get to the Amish farm by 3pm to churn butter (which is not cute btw).
6. You’re on the same wavelength.
You’ve got a weird telepathy thing going on where you think the same things at the same times or you think about your mom and then the phone starts ringing. You wonder if that “wisdom teeth surgery” was actually a procedure to have a chip installed in your head and it starts to seem more and more possible once you think about it for a while.
7. Every day is Christmas or in my case, Hanukkah.
If you have moved out of your house, she constantly sends you random shit. My mom is always ordering things online and having them shipped to my apartment. These items range from makeup brushes to clothes to jewelry to meat. Yes, I said meat. My mom ships me boxes of Omaha Steaks because you need to make sure your daughter is getting enough protein. It seems like there is a new box on my doorstep every time I get home, and at this point I wouldn’t be surprised if one day it ends up being a vibrator with a note that says, “I know you’ve been single for awhile. Love, mom.”
8. Your homecoming is equivalent to the Pope’s visit to America.
When I grace my parents with my presence in my childhood home, the red carpet is rolled out and they are thrilled to see me. My mom excitedly does my laundry and has already bought my favorite cereal and snacks. It is what I imagine having a puppy is like, and I try to act cool but of course I’m just as excited to see her. When I ask if she wants to run over to Bed, Bath & Beyond with me to get new sheets, you’d think I told her she just won a 7-day all expenses paid vacation. Anyone who is willing to run boring, meaningless errands just to spend time with you is a keeper.
9. She gets offended when you don’t fill her in on every detail about your life immediately.
Since she is so accustomed to hearing about every little aspect of my life, she is taken aback by the mention of any occurrence that she wasn’t made aware of within 1-3 business days of it taking place.
Actual conversation that could take place between me and my mother:
“Last week I had a turkey wrap from that deli around the corner, it was awesome.”
“What do you mean you had a turkey wrap? You never mentioned this!! WHY ARE YOU HIDING THINGS FROM ME?”
10. You take great comfort in knowing that you have a lifelong best friend who always wants what is best for you.
Nothing in my life provides me with more security than knowing that no matter what happens between significant others or friends, I will always have someone who is in my corner. She is always happy for me when things are going well and is an endless supply of support when things are tough. She loves anyone who treats me with respect and kindness and makes these cute little dolls with pins stuck in them that resemble anyone who does me wrong (hehe, jk). She has taught me all of the important lessons I need to get through life such as accept others, always ask your friends how their dates went, respect yourself, and most importantly to never leave the house without makeup on just in case you run into your ex and his new girlfriend, and without her I’d be truly lost. THANKS, MOM.