Thought Catalog
May 15, 2017

I Had To Stop Hating You To Truly Let You Go

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Jad Limcaco

The day I fell in love with you, I knew you would be the one to change the course of my life.

I thought you were a godsend, falling into my life wrapped in velvet ribbon. For once in my life, I felt that someone had finally seen me for who I was.

It seemed like I had waited my whole life to meet you. All my life, I had felt invisible and replaceable as though I didn’t matter. It seemed that despite how much love I poured into another, I was unable to make a dent or a lasting impact on their heart.

You were like an island adorned with breathtaking sight and uninhibited wildness, and I was a lone wanderer enchanted by your magnificent beauty and unbridled passion. I was transfixed by the foreign emotion that you stirred in me. I was immersed in your presence and I was drawn to you like nothing I experienced before.

When you fell in love with me, I thought you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

I couldn’t get over how seemingly perfect you were. I couldn’t believe that someone of your caliber would be interested in someone like me. I couldn’t get used to the attention you lavished on me.

It felt like my wildest dream coming true. I felt so surreal being the object of your affection as you told me how much you wanted to be with me. I felt as though I would never be left wanting again as you filled up the gap in my heart. I felt extremely blessed to have you in my life and not a day went by that I was not grateful for you.

And so the day that I lost you, I couldn’t accept how easily you were gone and the wreckage that I found myself in.

It was ironic was it not? I couldn’t believe it when you said you loved me. Now when you told me you no longer did, I thought you weren’t serious. I searched your eyes for something, anything that would tell me you were lying, but your expression remained unchanged. I waited for you to admit that you did not mean what you said but the silence continued until the devastating truth began to sink in.

But the thing was, you did not stay gone even when you were gone.

You were in-between the empty spaces for the text messages I wanted to send and the empty dial tone of the phone calls I wanted to make. You were at the back of my mind torturing me with your familiar smile and reminding me of what I lost. You were lingering in the presence of every boy that I tried to love, reminding me of how they were incomparable to you.

You were there every time I see a happy couple and couldn’t help but think that could be us.

You were gone except for the last flicker of your memories in my mind, the faded letters you left me with, and the many failed ways in which I was unable to remove you from my heart. And I was angry with you for refusing to stay gone even in your absence. I hated myself for how I couldn’t easily forget about someone who had long forgotten all about me.

I was full of anger and I didn’t know how to grieve.

I thought allowing myself time to heal was weak as I wanted to be instantly okay. I felt impatient at the slow progress I was making and wanted a quick solution to end my misery.

But it was in the darkest day that I managed to see the light.

I wasn’t fine in that moment, but I would be eventually.

It was when I realized how broken I was, and I decided to be more forgiving of my mistakes and love myself more.

It was only when I could move on from the ashes of the past that could I regain my confidence for the future. It was only when I decided to make peace with the past that I could finally let you go.

It was only when I stopped hating you that I could finally stop loving you.

You may have changed my life in the past but the future belongs to me. I’m ready to let you go and start living in a life without you in it. TC mark