October 6, 2016

I Would Love So Differently If You Had Been My First Love

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Denis Gavrilenco
Denis Gavrilenco

If you were my first love, I would have loved you like a child—full of wonder and anticipation, full of childish dreams and innocent beliefs that love is magical. I would have believed all of it. Every dream and fairy tale.

I would have expected you to be like the dashing hero from my favorite romantic movie and sweep me off my feet. The prince of my dreams to whisk me off to my happily ever after. My guardian angel to shield me from the tribulation of life. My partner in crime to bail me out if the going gets tough.

I would have looked forward to our every ‘first’ together without ever worrying when our ‘last’ would dawn.

If you were my first love, I would have been forever secured in the knowledge that you loved me. I would have treated your confession of love as a seal of promise to a lifetime with me. I would have slept at night warm and at peace, knowing that even if the world were to end tomorrow, I would still have you with me no matter what.

I would have treated your love as a fact of life, and just like the sky is blue and trees are green, I would never have questioned it. For it is steadfast and everlasting and I know it would have never changed.

I would have been full of myself thinking that you cannot do without me. I would have challenged you to accept me when I was being immature, demanding, and whining. I would have learned who I was and that I should never have to silence my voice. I would have learned that becoming quieter is not a prerequisite to love.

I would have been carefree instead of worrying about being the best version of myself to deserve you. Because I would have already known that I’m more than enough for you.

If you were my first love, I would have loved like I’d never been hurt.

Like my heart is still whole and overflowing with affection for you. Like my soul is on fire with the fiery passion you ignite in me. Like my mind is clean and able to devote my whole attention to you.

I would have posted pictures of us all over all my social media without the irrational fear that one day I might have to remove them. I would have introduced you to my parents proudly, without an inkling of doubt that I might disappoint them if our love failed. I would have thought of the future and automatically assumed you would be a part of it.

But if you were my first love, I would not have known that ultimately the first and only love I ever need is from myself.

I might not have realized that I don’t need any knight in shining armor to swoop me off into the sunset. I don’t need any man to fight battle for me.

Because you were my first love, I learned to stand on my own. TC mark

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