A Guide To Being a Total Creepster
‘Creepster’ is fast populating the common social lexicon as a derogatory term that suggests an individual, generally a male in vague pursuit of sexual liaisons although not necessarily, as the term could also be applied to a person of either gender who makes a habit of arriving uninvited, of ‘hovering’ with purposeless social networking despite no indication of reciprocal interest, who ‘lurks’ on the whole or who otherwise engages in an unwelcome pattern of behavior despite polite hints delivered to them that gently attempt to suggest a more contextually-appropriate course of behavior.
Certainly no one should intentionally aspire to be a total creepster; conversely, nearly all of us have likely wandered unwitting into total creepster territory at some point in our lives. However, should future civilizations study our patterns of behavior and desire a manual on how best to be a total creepster for the purpose of social reconstructions, laboratory experiments or performance art, let the following series of tips suffice.
Setting: At A Party. Arrive alone at a party that you ‘just kind of heard of’ even though no attendee specifically invited you. This way, when people welcoming you make casual conversation to the effect of ‘so who do you know here tonight’ in an attempt to determine their own potential connection to you, you can respond evasively or turn the question back around on the asker. Despite being new to most people in the room, make sure you dance around a lot, with approximately 25-30 percent more vigor and aggression than appears natural relative to the others. Be very sweaty. Make several trips to the bathroom. Most importantly, infringe upon the conversations of every attractive individual in the room. At any given time no attractive individual should be able to pause from his or her conversation without noticing you standing on the fringe of the conversation, staring or nodding along or grinning goofily while actually saying nothing.
When people begin to discuss personal things such as mutual friends or a mutual job situation, inject your own commentary. As the night goes on, take to standing at the fringes of the room, staring at people who are dancing. Go stand next to them and don’t say anything.
Be one of the last people to leave; wait until the hosts are cleaning up. When a small cluster of four or five people to whom you only briefly spoke attempts to gather to eat food together – or better, to go hang out in a more intimate setting at someone’s apartment – just follow along, since people will usually be too nice to exclude you.
Bonus Material: Just get right up in there and ‘grind dance’ on someone’s butt, even though no one in the room is doing so.
Downside: When stuff turns up missing from the house that hosted the party, everyone will blame you.
Setting: At A Bar. This tactic works best if you are in the incorrect age range relative to the rest of the patrons in the bar [recommendations: be the 22 year-old ‘free spirit’ in a venue where businessmen generally enjoy 12 dollar whiskey cocktails; be the graying man or middle-aged biker who frequents the inexpensive ‘dive’ popular among your neighborhood’s college students, for example]. Sit in the middle of the bar, probably directly behind the beer taps so that engaging you is inherently awkward.
Whenever anyone comes to the bar to order a beverage, perform a waxy head-tilt that engages your lower torso, so you appear to be corkscrewing stiffly in their general direction. Smile vacantly and hold eye contact that the individual, who must necessarily remain standing nearby you until they can collect their beverage from the bartender, is forced to engage you. Be an aggressive conversationalist; within the first 30 seconds of conversation find a way to mention your most exotic pastime, a trauma from your past, or the wildest thing you did in a country to which you recently traveled.
Speak with ever-increasing volume to the bartender who is thinly tolerating you. Do not drink with any particular speed or to have an agenda or plans for your afternoon or evening. Become drunk enough that you periodically close your eyes and smile numbly to yourself, but not so drunk that you cease to be alert to any potential ‘conversation partners’ that walk up to the bar to order a drink.
Bonus Material: Try to touch strangers on the arm, shoulder or lower back the moment they attain enough proximity to make this feasible.
Downside: The bartender is likely to become very cross with you.
Setting: On Facebook Friend people who have mutual friends with you. Send three different people, preferably attractive individuals of your preferred sex, the same generic conversation opener via Facebook chat, e.g: complaining about Facebook game updates despite the fact that viewing them is now entirely elective. Via Facebook chat, use the weather as a source of flirtation that borders on the inappropriate, e.g: ‘finding good ways to keep warm tonight? ;).’ The ‘winky-face emoticon’ is your friend. Use it for everything. Say ‘LOL’ even though your reticent conversation partner hasn’t said anything funny.
Should you attempt to open a chat conversation and not receive a reply, take heart. Send one again in a few hours; send one tomorrow. Refuse to take hints. Tell elaborate stories without having received any indication that the other party is receptive, and make sure to include elements such as people or places that the other person would have no point of relationship to.
‘Like’ every new photo updated by any female Facebook friend of yours. Opine on Wall dialogues that are obviously specific references to things that do not include you. Just jump on in there, and always make sure your commentary is slightly off-color. For example, when a female acquaintance posts that she is sick to her stomach, be the first one to comment with ‘are you sure you’re not preggos ;)’ regardless of the fact you hardly know her. In a photo thread praising someone’s cute pet, opine that the pet looks like a vagina or something completely uncalled-for. When someone’s friends comment on something, insult the friends passive-aggressively.
Regardless, ensure you are commenting on everything on a regular basis so that acquaintances of your preferred sex will at random receive a ‘like’ from you on a photo of themselves they uploaded in 2006.
Bonus Material: When people inevitably unfriend you, use Google to find their email address so you can ask them why.
Downside: You probably will be unfriended a lot.
My son from the age of three always tells me about the “creeper man” who lives in my mom and dads bedroom. He brings it up after he visits them. I made the mistake once of asking what he looks like. My son said “Oh, he doesn’t have a face.”
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