October 17, 2016

Plan On F*cking Drake? Read This Before It’s Too Late…

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I love picking stocks.

Actually that was a lie, I really have no idea about how the stock market works outside of Warren Buffett quotes. I do however like statistics and statistically almost anything is possible, including having the attention of one of the most accomplished and talented men of this decade. After analyzing his Wikipedia page and listening to all glorious 80 Minutes of Take Care in one sitting, I think I have Drake figured out.

He’s only getting older, and most people once they hit thirty start getting anxious and reconsidering all of their major life choices. You basically go nuts and speaking of, Drake is going to need to release his, very often.

So if boinking Drake is on your to-do list here’s what you need to know first.

1. Do Not Set Expectations

You aren’t going to be his girlfriend.

Drake has his head in the clouds and is too distracted with work, Rihanna and counting money to focus on a relationship with you.

(Not to mention all of the other women reading this guide who are patiently waiting until you slip up and “catch feelings.”)

Besides, statistically, he would make a terrible long-term boyfriend anyway so don’t be too disappointed.

Instead consider your time with him to be a vacation and enjoy yourself.

Do not expect him to buy you a purse or a car or fly you out to the Bahamas for a show.

Be honored to even be in the same company as a mega-star and if you expect nothing from him you might just get everything you want.

2. Do take care of your body, including your mind.

If you are in your twenties than you know how much it can suck.

You’re broke, you’re inexperienced, and you’re unsure of your purpose.

But here’s your secret weapon for surviving your twenties…

The fact that you’re hot!

Everything should still be tight and firm, and if not, you need to start getting into shape NOW because your window of opportunity is closing day by day.

Don’t waste your most valuable asset sitting on it eating pizza and watching Netflix.

Your body is the resume that will get you into the interview, but it is your personality that will guarantee you the job.

You must be confident, focused and can never appear clingy.

If you aren’t any of these things than practice.

 If you are, then make sure that your resume is updated.

In your twenties you are also more fertile than ever, which leads me to my next point.

3. Do Not Get Pregnant Unless…

Having children is a permanent decision.

Children are not promissory notes, they are people who need both of their parents constant affection and support.

Even if you somehow hit the lottery and get impregnated by Drake realize this:

  • He will likely not stay with you in spite of the child.
  • You will likely be one of many women who will bear his children.

Is your Ego really ready for this?

Probably not.

Children need parents who are a team, not ones where there is constant resentment and jealousy.

However, if there is a consenting decision between the both of you to raise a child together, than do you boo.

If not, protect yourself by all means.

Do not poke holes in his condoms or try to soak a tampon with his “little men” and impregnate yourself.

That’s just creepy.

3. Do Be Honest

Paranoia is a symptom of power and Drake is the king.

There is no denying that Drake has major trust Issues and needs someone who will consistently keep it 8 more than 92 with him.

It’s simple, do not lie, cheat or steal from Drake.

If he suspects that you are trying to manipulate him he will sniff you out like a Labrador and have you exiled from his kingdom.

You should also be honest with yourself and realize that you only want to f*ck Drake because you like his music.

4. Do Have Fun

Hanging out with celebrities is exciting and sleeping with a mega-star will give you major bragging rights at your high school reunion. TC mark

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