April 16, 2014

I Am The Most Popular Woman On OkCupid

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What is the issue?

When this title was given to me, I was receiving on average more than 35 messages a day.

In the past three months I have received more than 15,000 4- or 5-star ratings.

I rejoined OkCupid in January after getting out of a relationship. I quickly realized this second go around may be a little different than the first. After only being back on the site for a few weeks I was contacted by New York magazine. This is when they told me I was the most messaged female on the site city-wide, and they wanted to write an article about it.

I’m a technology geek turned make-up artist in my 20s who spends my time studying astronomy, watching hockey and sipping whiskey. I haven’t ever claimed to be the hottest piece of ass out there, and growing up as an ugly duckling, it was a surprise.

I guess it’s flattering to receive the messages I do, but, when it comes down to it, it’s not really benefiting me. I’ve received every type of message ranging from “Hi, How are you?” to “My dick is hard with Satan’s rage for your face.” I actually deleted my initial OKC profile several days before I was contacted to be interviewed for the New York magazine article. I made a new one only to lose some of the weird creepos who would message me day after day with no response.

The messages got so entertaining, I decided to start documenting them on my Tumblr: Theyreallysaidthis. I’ve gotten plenty of negative criticism for my blog and have been told I’m exploiting these men for posting their messages. When it comes down to it, you need to understand if you don’t want something out there, don’t do or say it in the first place.

All the while I was receiving things like: “Sup freakshow? wanna trade some naughty pics?”, my hope wasn’t gone that I could possibly meet a great guy on the site. I haven’t had much luck meeting guys out in New York City. I’ve been told I’m intimidating and not that approachable. I agree with those descriptions somewhat. Guys I’ve come in contact with have no social skills in person. Brooklyn dudes are more concerned with their skinny jeans and haircuts than being a man. I did meet my ex boyfriend on OkCupid and that gave me faith that not every guy on an online dating site was scum.

I’d like to think I’m extremely selective with who I go on a date with, let alone message back. In the past three months, I’ve gone on less than 10 dates. The men who I actually went on a date with or considered going out with didn’t send any profoundly amazing messages (if that even exists). It comes down to “Am I attracted to them?” and “Do we have things in common?” If their photos don’t look like they’re from 2001, we agree that religion is ridiculous, and they know the difference between “your” and “you’re,” there’s a good chance I’m going to respond.

Out of the dates I have gone on, I’ve met guys that tried to kiss me within 10 minutes of meeting me, lied about their height and/or weight in their profile and propositioned me with monetary offers for sex. There was also the guy that treated me like a prospective employee for his non-existent company of love. You could tell he wanted to force a relationship so bad, and it was so very sad and pathetic. Instead of just having a normal, flowing conversation he literally told me, “OK, let’s play a game. You ask a question, then I ask a question.”

Then there was that time I thought the date was going rather well until the dreamy, intelligent brunet decided to chug five glasses of whiskey in a half hour, and I was then confronted by a drunk, stumbling, stupid brunet.

Not every man I’ve chatted with has been skeezy or untruthful. There are also the guys that I would have happily gone on a second or third date with who weren’t interested in me further. Not even the most messaged girl on OkCupid is immune to rejection.

I’ve been asked plenty of times what makes me the most messaged girl. I don’t know the answer to this. Maybe it’s the tattoos, blue eyes, correct spelling of my profile and that I don’t write things like “I’m living my life to the fullest and I love long walks on the beach!” Looking for a man isn’t the most important thing going on in my life. I think it’s a problem when it is. I’m confident and secure in who I am without having a partner. I have a strong opinion and know what I want. I guess I’m refreshing and dudes like that, but, that’s just my guess.

The negative side of having so many options is having so many options. I have gone on first dates where at the end of the night I’m unsure if I would go on a second. Maybe I would choose to go on a second date if I didn’t have new offers every day. That person could be the love of my life if I let the relationship develop further, but I don’t necessarily have a reason to go on a second date if I’m not blown away by the first.

Men in NYC tend to not want to settle down until they’re on their death bed, and they have even more options than women do. It’s hard deciding who is genuine and who is not. Dating is exhausting and not fun at all in the beginning stages. It’s a lot of uncertainty and can get very impersonal when you’re comparing thousands of handle names and profile pictures. Trust me, the free oysters and endless glasses of bourbon aren’t worth it.

I’m not going to lie, though — it is fun having your choice when you never did growing up.

However, any girl knows that attention from 1,000 men doesn’t equate to attention from one significant man. TC mark

This article originally appeared on xoJane.

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Lauren Urasek

Lauren Urasek is a New York-based freelance make-up artist and technology/astronomy nerd who loves animals and hockey.

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