April 27, 2011

What It Feels Like To Be Eaten Out

Report This Article
What is the issue?
Thank you to everyone who submitted responses to “What It Feel Likes To Get Your D Sucked.” They were all hilarious, touching, and informative. This one, however, took the choco taco! (Okay, we suck at making vagina jokes).

I hate it when a guy asks me to “Tell me what you want.” while we’re hooking up. That’s a dumb fucking question. For future reference, men of the world, I only want one thing, and that is your tongue on my clitoris. If I say anything else in response to this question, it’s because I’m taken aback by the idea that you think I could want anything except that. Wanting anything else has actually not occurred to me until the moment of your asking, and then I’m like, well, fuck, I’m probably supposed to say something like, I don’t know, “I want your huge cock in my wet pussy” or something. But I don’t want to say that because 1. It doesn’t sound like me, and 2. That’s not what I want. I just want you to eat me out, and I want you to do it for a long time with varying speeds, pressures, and tongue patterns until I tell you “Don’t stop,” which is your cue that I’m going to come soon, and at this point you should maintain a constant speed, pressure, and tongue pattern until I orgasm. You’ll be able to tell when this happens, trust me. Then, if you know what you’re doing (or if you just didn’t realize that all of that muscle contracting and hair grabbing and shouting I was doing was indicative of my orgasm), you will take a 5-10 second break and return to eating me out, because multiple orgasms are easily achieved and, like, wow, really awesome.

Orgasms are awesome in general because they make you feel like a beautiful woman, and being eaten out is also like that because guys who are good at it usually really appreciate vaginas. A lot of my girlfriends are like, “You know, I just don’t like it. I just don’t! It’s weird, you know?” and I’m like, “No, I don’t know, actually.” I feel sorry for these friends of mine because I mean, yeah, it is hard to trust a person to put their tongue in and around and in and around your very most private of parts, and I bet that’s why they “don’t like it.” Being eaten out puts you in a really vulnerable position. Here are some of the concerns I might have at any given time before/during the experience:

What if I smell funny? Or what if I smell normal and he just doesn’t like that smell?

What if I taste weird? Or what if I taste normal and he just doesn’t like that taste?

What if the grooming pattern I employ is not the grooming pattern he prefers?

What if he’s just doing this because, after centuries of stifling women’s rights and opinions, he feels obligated to?

My type tends to be the kind of guy who calls himself a feminist, so I often encounter the guy who just eats girls out because he feels obligated to make up for years of female oppression. You can tell this type of guy because he generally just flicks his tongue around in the same way until you lose sensation. This is annoying. I’m like, you know, man, if you’re just going to half-ass it, can I just give you a beejay and we’ll call it a night? Like, I appreciate the gesture, but it’s obviously just a gesture, and now not only am I not going to get off, but I also feel like a charity case.

There’s this stigma about eating girls out, I think. Sometimes I’ll be eating dinner with some of my douchebag gay guy friends and they’ll be like, “Ew, vaginas are gross and slimy!” It really grinds my gears. Like, I know we have a shared interest in the peen, OK, but that doesn’t mean you can insult my genitalia! That just makes getting eaten out even more stressful because sometimes my douchebag straight guy friends tell me that my genitalia is gross and slimy, too. The only time it hasn’t been stressful for me is when I was in a loving relationship, but it took a long time for it to get to that point and then when it finally did, it was really not a loving relationship anymore.

Sorry for all the heteronormativity, btw. I only have experience being eaten out by men and feeling anxiety about being eaten out by men. Being eaten out by a woman is probably way different. I have tried many times to imagine myself being eaten out by a woman, but I can’t do it. I want to be able to because I’m progressive and stuff, but I just can’t. I’ve also tried to imagine myself eating a girl out because I like to be good at things and I bet I’d be good at it, but I can’t do that, either.

Anyway, I guess I should include some more substantial qualitative analysis. Um, let’s see. Being eaten out feels like your partner is scratching an itch you didn’t realize you had until he or she caressed it in delicate circles with his or her glorious tongue. Then it feels way better than that. I don’t think being eaten out can really be painful. It would be pretty difficult for teeth to be involved, I think. Though I guess there could be a sucking issue? I have experienced that a couple of times, I guess. My opinion on the matter of sucking is that it shouldn’t happen at all, but maybe some girls like that. Guys do it fairly often, but to me it feels like you’re going to rip my clit off. Not good. Ouch.

So, yeah. If you’re going to eat me out, don’t suck. TC mark

image – Joe The Dork

Lauren Oyler

When asked what sort of things she writes, Lauren usually responds, “Um, humor pieces and stuff?” A fun fact …

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 68,632 other followers