I don’t want to meet another person that tells me they ‘don’t do relationships’. I don’t want to meet another person that tells me he’s had a good time with me, but oh wait, ‘sorry I can’t see you again’. It’s exhausting. And I’m so tired.
I’m not in college anymore. I don’t find pleasure in drunken hookups. I don’t find pleasure in meaningless physical relationships that only result in broken hearts and hollow souls. I don’t want that anymore. I’m so tired of getting disappointed. I’m so tired of being proved wrong time and time again.
I’m done believing in people who shouldn’t be believed in. I’m done wanting commitment with people who don’t want it. I’m done loving people, who refuse to love me back.
I don’t want to get my hopes up anymore. I don’t want butterflies to start flying prematurely. I don’t want my heart to start racing, and my stomach to start dropping until I know it’s real. Until I know it’s something more than just a fling.
It has become too painful for my already paper thin heart. It has become too much.
I want you to know me. Not just on the outside, but on the inside. I want you to know my heart. To memorize my past and to want to be apart of my future. I don’t want you just for today, or just for a night. I don’t want you momentarily.
So please, don’t kiss me if it isn’t real. Don’t touch my hair and whisper promises in my ear, if you don’t mean it. Don’t wrap your arms around me when the wind starts blowing, if you are going to leave in a day or two. Don’t pretend you care about me, if you really just want me to fill a void.
I want someone to love who isn’t going anywhere. Who isn’t going to take the easy way out. Who isn’t going to be afraid of loving someone. Who isn’t going to give up on us me. Who isn’t going to give up on us.
I want someone to love who is going to make me believe in them. Who is going to make me finally breathe a sigh of relief. Who is going to make me not regret looking at them in the first place. Who is not going to make me regret loving them.
I don’t need games. I don’t need hesitations or vacations.
I want someone to love who is going to be a permanent home.
A permanent place to lay my head on when the world becomes too dark. A permanent person to tell my scariest secrets to, ones that I can’t even admit to myself. I want someone to give my all too. And I want someone who doesn’t make me forever regret that decision.
So, please just stay. And if you aren’t going to stay, then leave now. Leave now before I get those butterflies. Before my stomach drops. And before my heart slices in two.
Don’t you dare make me regret the day I laid eyes on you. Don’t you dare make me wish I had never met you. Don’t you dare burn me into shreds. Don’t you dare break me open again and again.
I don’t know what I’ll do if one more person drops their end of the bargain. I don’t know what I’ll do if one more person picks up my heart and smashes it to the ground, without ever looking back.