November 22, 2016

This Is How You Lost Me (Without Even Realizing It)

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Natalie Allen
Natalie Allen

You lost me through a string of unanswered texts and lazy Saturday afternoons. You lost me through lack luster communication and through not looking at me directly in the eyes.

You didn’t know it at the time. You didn’t know you were going to lose the one thing that you wanted to keep the most. You didn’t know you were losing me, with each unanswered call and with each half hearted murmur.

And the truth is, you didn’t know how much I meant to you, until you lost me. And maybe that was the problem.

The problem wasn’t that you didn’t care. You just didn’t care enough. The problem wasn’t that you didn’t like me. You just didn’t like me enough. The problem wasn’t that you didn’t kiss me beautifully. You just didn’t kiss me with the poetry that I needed. And with the poetry that I wanted.

You lost me through conversations that were hesitant and soft. With conversations that were awkward and forced. With conversations filled with no actual meaning, just with a lot of ‘ums’ and question marks.

But I didn’t want questions marks. I didn’t need commas, or endings that were left unanswered. I needed explanation marks and periods. I needed substance. I needed more than you could give me.

You lost me through not asking me how my day was. Through not asking me more about my family and friends. And for not truly wanting to know me. On the inside.

You lost me through joking and laughing at me when it was the last thing I needed at the time. You lost me through thinking you were saying the right thing, when in reality, it had me stinging and wincing in pain.

You didn’t even know. You didn’t even realize what you were doing. But you were losing me. Little by little and day by day.

And you lost me the night you stopped trying permanently. You lost me the night you gave up on us and on me. You lost me after that long drive. And I know it’s not your fault. I don’t blame you for wanting someone else. I don’t blame you for wanting something different. But boy, you had already lost me months before. You had already lost my heart, months before you decided to say goodbye.

You lost me, but I was already gone. TC mark

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