This Is How We Fall In And Out Of Love Now

We stare at our phones. Hopelessly waiting for a sign. Any sign. We think to ourselves, everything went perfectly. Why wouldn’t they text us back? We sit and stare and wait.

We see our phone light up like a nightlight at 3 am. A smile spreads on our faces, giddy with anticipation. We double text back, with an extra smile emoji for good measure. We sleep well that night, better than most nights, with butterflies etched on our hearts.

We think a 3 am text means love. We think that this one will be the one to change everything. We think this is the person who won’t ever leave.

We think, we think, we think. And we hope.

We cross our fingers when they tell us that they won’t ever go. We cross our fingers when they give us kisses that melt our world away. We cross them when they sleep with us for the first time. We double cross them when they tell us that they love us. Just for extra good luck that it’s the truth. Just for extra good luck that this is really happening.

We become brand new. We become better versions of ourselves. We light up at every little thing they do. We laugh at everything they say. We fall deep. We fall hard.

But what happens when no one catches us?

Suddenly the texts slow down. They stop asking how we are. They stop asking us what we want out future to look like. They stop asking about our family. And it feels like you are on a rollercoaster that is supposed to drop, but never ever does 

You don’t know what you did wrong. You pace your apartment, living a path of teardrops behind you. Your friends cast worrying gazes on you, thinking to themselves that they could see it all along.

If only you could’ve seen it. The truth.

The truth that love isn’t a 3 am text. Love isn’t a man whispering he loves you right after you have sex with him. Love isn’t a man who doesn’t want to get to know your world. It isn’t a man who doesn’t want anything to do with you, unless you’re giving something to him in return.

Love isn’t missed messages and excuses that grow old as each day passes. Love isn’t a forgotten call, and a date that leaves you empty handed.

Love isn’t supposed to be something that is uneasy, that is a question mark.

Love isn’t supposed to be this damn hard. Love isn’t supposed to be this damn painful. And maybe it wasn’t love after all. Maybe we just wanted it so much, we convinced ourselves that it was real.