You stop looking at neatly written lists, giving you instructions on exactly what to do. You stop googling ‘how do I get over them?’ every few days. You stop comparing your story to your friends’ stories. And you stop thinking so damn much.
You stop thinking there needs to be a timeline. You stop telling yourself you are pathetic. You stop beating yourself up over how sad you are. You stop trying to hate how sad you truly feel. And you stop kicking yourself in the gut over and over again, over analyzing every word you forgot to say.
You fucking feel everything that your heart wants you feel.
You let your eyes spill out with salty tears, and you let them run down your blotchy cheeks without wiping them up. You cry as loud as you can, not caring about whether you wake up your roommate or parents. You let your heart rip. You let your heart sink and drown in broken promises. You let yourself go. And you let yourself feel everything you didn’t ever want to feel.
You lie in bed, with the covers over your head blocking out the sunlight. You don’t want to see the light, at least not right now. You feel yourself fill up with dark thoughts and foggy memories. You remember them. You remember the first kiss and the first time they said they loved you. You remember the dances at midnight and the kisses that took your breath away. You remember thinking they were it. You remember thinking of marriage and babies and graves next to one another.
Remember it all.
Feel yourself become a ghost of your old self. Get out of bed after a few days. Forget to eat. Forget to go to class. Pull up their name on your phone and text them you miss them. Pull up their profile on Facebook and notice that they have unfriended you. Feel your eyes well up. Cry some more, and crawl into your bed once more, letting the darkness over come you. Let that darkness engulf you.
Feel everything. Remember everything. This is the only way you are going to heal. This is the only way you are going to get past this dark cloud. This is the only way you will eventually reach the light.
Start to feel hungry again. Start to feel jittery and bored of spending too much with just yourself. Call up your friend and have them come over to keep you company. Feel yourself laugh and remember how good that feels. Notice that for that tiny second, you didn’t think about them. For that one second, you didn’t feel sad. Feel a little better.
Remind yourself that grief isn’t linear. Some days you are going to feel like hell. And some days you aren’t even going to think of them. And finally, after many sunsets and sunrises, you will be ok.
Never forget to remind yourself that you will be ok.
Wake up one day and feel the urge to see the sun. Open up your curtains and let the light run across your face. Feel the sun warm up your lungs that have gotten dusty over time. And feel yourself recognize that this world is far too big for this person to be the only one for you. Recognize that this life is far too short to hide from it forever.
And recognize that maybe after all, you are a lot stronger than you ever thought possible.