I miss the who you loved me. The one who told me you would never let me go. The one who told me you would love me for all time. Until the day you died. Until the day you were buried.
I don’t quite know who you are now. I don’t know what your favorite sandwich is or what your favorite kind of pie is. I don’t know how you cross your legs when you’re sitting on a train to go to band practice. I don’t know what makes you laugh the hardest anymore. And I don’t know who you dream of at night when you’re lonely.
But I know who you used to be.
You were the boy that made me believe in love. You were the boy who made me realize that love was something I could have and feel. You used to be the kind of guy who would ask to kiss me before you did. You were the guy that told me you loved me with zero hesitation. You were the boy who I thought was my future husband.
You were the guy my mom adored and the guy my father actually got along with. You were the one that my great aunt even said would be the one I would marry.
You were the one that made me think of white satin and bouquets. You were the guy that made me believe in walking down the aisle for better and for worse. You were the one who had me dreaming of dresses and champagne and honeymoon nights. You were the one who had me thinking that you were the one. That you were my one.
And I loved that you. The you who swore it’d be forever. The you who told me you would never love anyone like you loved me. The you who told me you would never hurt me.
I loved that you and I still love him now.
But I don’t know you anymore. I don’t know the tiniest details about you. I don’t know what lights up your world anymore. I don’t know who makes you smile like how you smiled at me.
I write about you still. I dream of you on some nights. I daydream of you on lazy afternoons. But I have to remind myself constantly that I do not know you anymore.
I just long for the person who you used to be. Who used to dance with me at midnight and who made me feel warm with every touch. I love the you from before. The one from 2012 and the one who I wanted forever with. God damn, how I miss that you.