Turns Out There’s A Scientific Explanation For Why You’re Such A F*ck Up

You want to know why you do such stupid shit?

Blame in on your frontal lobe.

It’s in your brain, and is pretty important for development. But, it’s just not ready for the real world, and that is totally ok.

Just Google it my friends. There is proof that your frontal lobe won’t fully develop until age 25. Apparently, us young 20 somethings are genetically programmed to keep screwing up for a few more years.

My advice would be to sit back and enjoy the ride. Watch yourself fall in and out of trouble like your promiscuous roommate falls in and out of sex-capades.

What I’m saying is, if you are not 25, all of your decisions up until your 25th birthday will probably be shit. Maybe after that, too. I can’t promise anything.

I would say that you should stop wasting your time trying so hard to control yourself and just accept this reality. Blaming your stupid decisions on biology is a wickedly fun and valid excuse to behave somewhat recklessly.

Here’s Why: The frontal lobe is the “control panel” of our brain. It is responsible for the control of major cognitive skills and primary motor function in human beings. It monitors memory, language, sexual behavior, emotional expression, problem solving and judgment.

So, basically, it gives us our personality and the competence to communicate. In a study done on teenage behavior and the development of the frontal lobe as we age, their behavior was consistent with that of a drunken person. So basically, we’re still a little tipsy.

Some classic cases of “lobe malfunction” include:

1. When your doctor asks you about that one night stand from last weekend that gave you a mild case of chlamydia, just tell them you couldn’t help it. “My frontal lobe was feeling reaaaaal freaky,” you say.
2.  When your roommate bitches at you because you haven’t done the dishes in a week, your response is simple, “I’m sorry, Claire, my frontal lobe just completely forgot.”
3. When your mother tells you that she doesn’t “recognize you” anymore and that she questions your life decisions. “Mom, first of all, that is RUDE. Secondly, it’s not my fault. My frontal lobe just gave me a shitty personality for now so you’re just going to have to deal with it and keep loving me.”
4. When you send a really long and aggressive text message to a person who rejected you and you know you’re going to run into them eventually, you can apologize knowing that it’s not your fault you’re a crazy person. “Look, Todd, I’m sorry for calling you a f*ucking assf*uck. My frontal lobe just freaked out and typed that impulsively. Plus, autocorrect. But, you are an ass.”

Personally, I’m really enjoying it, letting my frontal lobe go wild. Being under-developed in my brain has been pretty thrilling.

Outside, I can act calm and collected, intelligent and sophisticated, charming and usually appearing wise beyond my years. But on the inside, my frontal lobe is still going through puberty. I would say he’s probably a teenager or so by now. Maybe 16 years old? He’s only thinking with his dick, abandoning reality for fantasy and choosing fun over consequence.

So what if I want to jump off a really high cliff into shark infested waters? Or get on the back of a fast motorcycle with a stranger I met at the bar? Or hop on a boat with no life jacket at 2 AM in a foreign sea?

I probably shouldn’t trust most of the people that I do. I probably should stay away from men who are old enough to enjoy playing golf with my dad. I probably should go to class and finish my college degree before age 26 or so.

But, my frontal lobe has a mind of its own. It’s just thinking about tits and fast cars. I feed it vegetables but all it wants is adrenaline and whiskey.

Sometimes, I’m a classy kid. But, most of the time, my frontal lobe is just itching to make one more stupid decision until one day I realize that I’ve thrown my life away in the most perfect way possible.