Thought Catalog
May 16, 2017

I’ll Wait As Long As I Have To

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What is the issue?
Everton Vila

I am tired of surface level conversations. Of expectations, of standards, of physical appearances. I don’t want to know what you are doing on the weekend, I want to know how you see the world; your hopes and dreams; the big scary ideas you have never shared.

I am tired of conforming. Of people changing, adapting, shrinking who they are to fit an ideal set by society. I don’t want to date ten of your friends; I want to know you- the you that is real behind closed doors, the you you are afraid to be seen.

I am tired of expectations, of shoulds, of have to’s. Why has love become a timeline of events, of milestones we need to reach by a certain age? I want to break the rules, to destroy the mould set by others. I want to be the exception, to pave way for generations to come- to build a life we want.

I am tired of games.

I am sick of playing hard to get, of ghosting, of answers never given. I want honesty, cut throat honesty, regardless of how black and white it is. I want the truth. I don’t want to be taken on an expensive date, pretending to like food and making small talk as we eat.

I want to be intertwined with your soul, feeling every word you whisper radiate through my body- I want to feel the energy within you. I want to giggle under your comments, feeling the joy of my inner child emulate through me. I want to laugh until I can’t breathe, feeling the joy between our two bodies. I want to know you, all sides of you.

I want to watch your face change, eyes full of life, as you talk about all your passionate about, I want to lie and paint your dreams in the sky by your side. I want to hear you speak, speak of all you feel, sharing every thought that others would dare not speak. I want to feel, to feel the energy within you, the connection between us, the passion that builds.

I want to wake up slow, on a Sunday morning in bed. Feeling your body warm and wriggle beside me, your hands wandering, your heart opening. I want to swim late at night, feeling the ocean washing us clean again and again. I want to play with you, to embrace the child like joy within us both. I want to heal old wounds, your touch band aiding places that need your love.

I am tired of pretending this doesn’t exist, of turning a blind eye to the possibility of connection like this in the world. I don’t want to shrink the pure desire within me to seek another who feels the same.

Because why should I? I may live in a fairytale world sometimes, but surely a love like this is real. And if it isn’t, I’ll wait until it is.

I’ll wait until I find a love that opens the crevices of my soul I had once closed off. I’ll wait for a love that leaves me with pure gratitude for every love prior, for they brought me to you. I’ll wait for a love that rips open both sides of me, the faults to be seen; felt; heard; understood.

I’ll wait for a love that I can stand raw, authentic and open too in all its glory. Knowing I waited, I waited for a love I deserve. TC mark