Date A Girl Who Belches

Date a girl who belches. Date a girl who pauses to swallow a beer belch during a funny story about the time she peed standing up when she went streaking. Step into her stinky belch, let the rank smell rest on your eyelids, and then ask her out on a date.

Date a girl who belches and then politely says, “Excuse me.” Yell, “What?” because the bar is obnoxiously loud, but you don’t want to miss out on what she has to say. Appreciate her boldness when she confidently yells back, “I said ‘excuse me’ because I just belched.”

Date a girl who belches before you go to kiss her for the first time. Inhale a mixture of watermelon lip balm and wheat beer, as you get closer to her lips. Take her tongue into your mouth and taste the hops you spent your last $12 on. Savor her 7-11 chili cheese nacho belch as you press her into your body and clench her back. Take a deep breath of the fresh, starry night air before going back for more. Engulf yourself in the belch you’ve been waiting to be close enough to breath in since the moment she spent her last bit of cash on the nachos she shared with you on a park bench.

Date a girl who belches and then invites you to her apartment to cook you dinner. Study her as she repetitively belches because she put too much club soda in the Old Fashions she mixed. Say, “just a minute” when she belches and tells you dinner is ready. Put your shirt collar over your nose while you discreetly take the picture of her when she was a little girl playing on the beach. Go to her dinner table and eat under a fetid cloud of her belches.

Date a girl who belches when you introduce her to your friends. Ask them to be gentlemen, and glare at one of them when he gets too comfortable around her and lets out a belch that shakes the windowpanes. Watch with pride as your friend says, “Oh shit, I’m sorry.” Do not cringe when she winks at him, opens her mouth and quakes the room with her belch. When your friends beg you to marry her, already know you’re going to.

Date a girl who belches when she meets your family for the first time at your family reunion. Date a girl who lets out a nervous belch just as she’s shaking your mother’s hand. Shrug your shoulders, smile, and fan the smell away with your hand when she looks at her feet and blushes because your mother gasped in horror. Fall more in love with her when you see her sitting on the lawn burping the alphabet with all your nieces and nephews. Tell your mother, “I know” after your mother nudges you and says, “She’s going to make a fabulous mom one day.”

Propose to a girl who belches. Propose to her when she is helping you move into your new apartment. Get down on one knee right after she drops a box of your middle school trophies and belches up a smell, which postpones your house warming party for months.

Marry a girl who belches when you’re sharing your first dance. Spin her right into the foul traces of her vanilla-raspberry-cake-methane-gas. Push the smell back into her face with your left-hand and watch as the heat of her belch causes your new ring to get foggy.

Go on a honeymoon with a girl who belches underwater while you are scuba diving with a group of other honeymooners. Get totally embarrassed and apologize to the better-looking couples for your wife’s behavior—then realize you’re apologizing for your wife’s behavior and get all happy you can call her your wife now.
Have lots of kids with a girl who belches. Love coming home everyday to her odorous fumes and the even more rotten, miniature versions of those fumes, which rumble from the crib upstairs.

Grow old with a girl who belches. Buy her lots of sodas when she gets immobile so you can still hear her in the living room while you’re cooking her dinner.

Say goodbye to a girl who belches. When people pay their respects with baking pans filled with lasagna, casserole and gelatin, remember how all those things made her belch. As they lower her into the ground recall how you stayed up late at night watching her let out sleepy belches. Laugh at how most nights you faced her the other direction because the merciless smell wafting from her open mouth was too pungent for you too handle. Tightly squeeze the pillow she used to belch on and inhale her glory.