How To Talk About Gay Stuff And Eat Irish Babies

 Laura Jayne Martin: Hi guys, welcome to the podcast.

J.E.: Hi there!

Alison: Hello!

LJM: First question, what was your most recent embarrassment?

Alison: I don’t get embarrassed often. That’s my problem.

J.E.: I went on a date a little while ago and managed to spill water on my pants twice. It looked like I had peed myself for most of the night, but she didn’t notice.

Alison: You did pee yourself and that’s okay.

J.E.: Oh, I embarrassed my mom pretty recently, does that count?

LJM: What happened?

J.E.: I wrote about how I date non-Jewish girls (as a Jewish girl myself) and it was published pretty recently, and the caption under the picture of me read: “J.E. Reich gives her [Jewish] mother nightmares”.

LJM: What part of it didn’t she like, you not dating Jewish women exclusively, or you writing about it?

J.E.: I would say the “not dating Jewish women exclusively” bit is probably the most nightmare-inducing.

LJM: I volunteer as tribute—to date any Jewish women you don’t want.

Alison: My mom doesn’t know how to use the Internet.

J.E.: Alison, you are so lucky.

LJM: I’m sure you embarrass her in person enough.

Alison: Oh for sure I do, with my big gay haircut and overall queer demeanor.

LJM: You have a gay haircut?

Alison: But she only uses computers for mahjong.

J.E.: My name is J.E. Reich, and I am a mahjong fanatic.

LJM: Thanks for being honest for once.

Alison: I’m calling masturbating “mahjong” from now on. “Gotta play mahjong–back in twenty minutes!”

LJM: What are you doing for twenty whole minutes? Do you seduce yourself?

Alison: I’m a classy lady who likes to be seduced, sure.

LJM: I thought so.

Alison: I’m not putting out for just anybody.

LJM: No matter who she is.

Alison: Even me.

J.E.: It’s so weird to hang around people with standards, guys.

LJM: Next question, what is the gayest food?

J.E.: Any food that goes into my mouth is automatically the gayest food.

Alison: Papayas.

LJM: Is your mouth your gayest body part?

J.E.: This is getting REALLY personal, Laura.

Alison: My mouth is for sure the gayest. And my nails, I think.

J.E.: My hair is pretty gay; sometimes, when I have to tuck it into a hood when it’s raining.

Alison: Your hair is not gay.

J.E.: You have never seen me wear a hoodie, guys. It looks gay when I wear a hoodie.

LJM: No, I have and you definitely do look gay.

Alison: Speaking of, what terms do you prefer as labels of queerness?

J.E.: I don’t really have a preference in terms of what others call me, but I usually refer to myself as queer. Queer or gay.

Alison: I think the term “lesbian” is super sexy and often forgotten about.

LJM: I use “gay” because it’s fastest. My gender stuff makes “queer” applicable.

J.E.: Alison, I’ve never thought of it that way before. I like “queer” because it connotes solidarity.

LJM: I like that you like “lesbian.” I don’t think a lot of people do.

Alison: I think queer tries to be this “umbrella” term, but I don’t think it is and “lesbian” is old school sexy to me.

J.E.: I like “queer” because in a way, it makes me indistinguishable. I could be bisexual, I could be gender-queer, I could be a lesbian, but, either way, I am another member of my LGBT community, and I’m proud.

Alison: I like it. I can get that too. When I was coming out I identified as queer.

LJM: I came out as “gay” because I didn’t want a different term from gay men.

Alison: Do you think your gender ambiguity has anything to do with that?

LJM: Probably.

LJM: Next question, do you have any thoughts on the 10th anniversary of The L Word?

J.E.: It just reminds me of how, back in high school, my mother caught me with my sister’s portable DVD player, watching an episode of Season 1, and thought I was watching lesbian porn.

LJM: You were.

Alison: I didn’t watch it until I came out. I was too busy living in a Sex and the City world of believing all women should have Brazilian waxes.

J.E.: I always get compared to Jenny Schechter, because I’m a Jewish writer, and then I counter it with, WAIT, GUYS, I AM NOT A CRAZY [redacted: spoiler].

Alison: You are not like Jenny, okay?

J.E.: Thank you, validation.

LJM: I really understand and relate to Marina.

J.E.: I relate to either Alice or Dana, because I have no social mores.

Alison: I love that.

LJM: I think you’re like Papi because you wear hats.

J.E.: I like hats! But I am not Papi. I can DEFINITELY see Alison as Alice.

LJM: Okay, and yes Alison is like Alice, but non-annoying. Also their names are similar.

J.E.: My dad thinks I’m gay because we went to Provincetown on a vacation when I was four and I drank the water.

Alison: Calling you “Papi” from now on, J.E.

J.E.: I HAVE MUCH BETTER TASTE IN HATS.

Alison: Sry Papi deal with it.

LJM: It looks like Brad Pike just dropped by the studio.

Brad Pike joined the conversation

Brad Pike: Hello!

J.E.: Hi Brad!

Alison: You’ve missed some BIG stuff, Brad. We’ve talked about the secret recipe to being a lez.

LJM: Brad, do you know any secret recipes?

Brad: I am not a good cook.

Alison: What is your favorite dish?

LJM: Mine is spaghetti, not that you asked.

Brad: Well, I just dumped a southwestern style Lean Cuisine into a burrito.

Alison: Creative.

LJM: Are you gearing up for something?

Brad: I once blended a cupcake into a milkshake.

LJM: That’s just common sense.

Alison: Tell me more about that.

LJM: No don’t! Keep it a secret.

J.E.: Wait, do you guys actually cook?

Alison: I eat a hot breakfast at least 5 of the 7 days a week.

Brad: Why does it have to be hot? Is that important to you?

LJM: Last question, each of you tell me your go-to meal to cook for a special date/friend/robber?

Brad: For a robber, it would definitely be hot sauce and milk. And gum. Chewed up gum.

J.E.: For a date, poached salmon, risotto or rice pilaf from scratch, and either a rustic-style Caesar salad or kale Caesar.

Alison: Oh, let’s date.

Brad: Yes, me too, I will be on this date as well.

Alison: For a date I’ll do like Thai food. I’ve gotten great at curries.

Brad: Yeah me too. Chicken curry.

J.E.: For a robber, probably all of the groceries in my fridge, because that is my only wealth.

Alison: I have had my home broken into while I was there asleep and he cooked me a pile of his semen and needles, which was polite. It’s like if you’re gonna rob me, at least cook me something first!

Brad: Normally, you have to go on craigslist to get that sort of thing done for you.

LJM: By the way, I meant for each of you to choose one option. But I like how this totally got away from me.

J.E.: WAIT, what about what you would cook for a date with your enemy?

Alison: I would cook them meatballs on the grill, turkey ones.

LJM: I think we should wrap up.

Brad: Oh, Laura, can’t I tell you about something…before we wrap up?

LJM: Please.

Brad: My friend Andi Sharavsky recently wrote an article called the “Four Cutest Ways To Photograph Yourself Hugging Third World Children” and has, as you’d expect, gotten a lot of flack.

Alison: That shit is blowing up.

LJM: I feel like you were going to tell me something else about it though.

Brad: Well, how do you deal with the ever-present threat of psychopaths attacking you via the Internet?

LJM: I don’t think anyone who writes satire needs to worry about the stupid people who won’t get it.

J.E.: It’s just, you know, in the tradition of satire. So your friend is in good company.

LJM: Everyone is spoon-fed enough as it is.

Brad: Yes, agreed. That is true.

J.E.: I think the moral of the story is that everyone should eat Irish babies, AMIRITE?

LJM: I do that anyway.

Brad: Was there a conversation about Irish babies before I arrived?

Alison: Definitely.

LJM: Is that a reference?

Brad: I am just typing and then deleting hateful things about babies.

LJM: You mean thinking and then not saying.

Brad: Yes.

Alison: Just say them, Brad.

Brad: I think eating a baby would be a mercy because by the time it’s an adult, this world will be an arid nightmare hellscape.

LJM: I think I had that poster on my dorm room wall in college.

Alison: The arid nightmare hellscape poster?

LJM: “Arid Nightmare Hellscape, no. 2”

J.E.: In Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal”, Swift suggested that the poverty-stricken Irish should sell their babies as food to the wealthy British colonizers to make money. It was a piece of satire. It wasn’t received well, to say the least. But it was very successful satire, sort of a seminal text.

LJM: I’m not reading ANYTHING that’s even sort of covered in a man’s semen. Again.

Brad: Wow, that sounds very ahead of its time

J.E.: I had to read it in grad school.

Alison: My grad school experience is reading that piece Brad just mentioned.

LJM: So this is not the one where a guy offers an Irish baby one million dollars to sleep with his wife?

J.E.: It’s also that.

Brad: I’m pretty sure 95% of modern satire includes Irish babies–look at the Colbert Report.

J.E.: I would never eat an Irish baby. Irish babies are definitely not kosher. As are all babies.

LJM: Nice clarification.

J.E.: Cannibalism is definitely frowned upon in Judaism.

Brad: If the rules regarding cow-meat apply to people, then the younger, the more delicious.

Alison: Now we’re getting weird.

J.E.: You guys, as a Jew, joking about cannibalism is so not good for my public image.

LJM: It’s not great for mine as a non-Jewish person.

Brad: What if someone really wanted to be eaten? Like they’d fantasized about it since childhood and it was their highest aspiration?

LJM: Are we talking like a nibble of their finger?

J.E.: There are still so many anti-Semites that think matzah is made from the blood of Christian children. I’m not even joking.

Brad: Look, I believe in religious freedom, so you guys can do whatever you want.

J.E.: Oh lord.

Alison: Unfortunately that is not what religious freedom means.

LJM: Welp this is a great place to wrap up. Thanks so much guys!

END TRANSMISSION.