January 7, 2014

10 Scented Candles You Need For Tonight’s Bath-Cry

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What is the issue?

Scented Candles are pretty much the most important things in life after health, love, and finding a karaoke song that is appropriate for your vocal range.  Scratch that. Scented candles are MORE important than love. A scented candle will never leave you at a karaoke bar after you drunkenly sing, “I Touch Myself” by The Divinyls.

Do you know why there are no scented candles in the Book of Genesis? It’s because God made scented candles and then, when he was finished, he moved on to less important stuff, like earth/people/karaoke machines.

The only problem with scented candles isn’t with scented candles. It’s with people who buy terrible, bland scented candles.  If I wanted to smell something boring, I’d snort a ground up The Tree of Life DVD.

You do not need vanilla. You need to inhale an odor that will enliven your senses. You need to bring out the true wild animal inside of you—the one hunting its prey in an evergreen forest filled with lit, UltraSexconniption Berry Deluxe scented candles.

Now, to prove my point, here is a list of the best scented candles in the entire world that you have entirely overlooked.   Do yourself a favor and track down one of these lesser-known scented candles for tonight’s bath cry.  Unlike whatever you’re crying about in your bath, you won’t regret it.

1. Napalm in the Morning – The candle itself smells trite and insensitive, but it reminds you of a great classic movie without having to clog up your Netflix queue.

2. Clean Teeth – Minty and fresh, this candle makes me smile. Pretty sure lighting it counts as flossing—and, possibly, douching.

3. New Vibrator – Definitely the best of all the vibrator candles. This one is leagues better than “Old Vibrator.”

4. Cosmopolitan – Like coffee, Cosmopolitans, and people who drink Cosmopolitans, this candle smells a lot better than it tastes.

5. Smells Like Smells Like Teen Spirit – Made from a limited edition Nirvana jewel case and leftover 90’s deodorant it smells… okay. But just get it. C’mon. YOU LIKE STUFF FROM THE 1990s, RIGHT?!

6. Strawberry Lime Cordial Satisfactory Rum Punch – Did you know the “medicine” that Mary Poppins gave the children in Disney’s Mary Poppins was just a melted candle? And rum?

7. Telenovela – The candle smells like a perfectly groomed moustache, overacting and lasts a very short time.

8. Sexy Bean Bag – You will get definitely get in the mood burning this candle. It smells so good you will even find your rec. room furniture erotic.  Just get consent from all credenzas, overstuffed sectionals, trundle beds, barcaloungers, shitty pool tables, ottomans in the shape of sports balls, broken juke boxes, and unfinished bars with whom you might do sex.

9. Sarcastic Bran Muffin – This candle will give you a high five, but then totally roll its eyes afterward.

10. The Moon – Pretty much exactly what you’d expect: this candle smells like silence, moon dragons, and the bottom of Buzz Aldrin’s feet. Highly Recommend. TC mark

image – Shutterstock

Laura Jayne Martin

Laura Jayne Martin is a writer living in New York City. Her work has been featured in/on McSweeney’s Internet …

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