January 16, 2013

7 of Your “Yahoo Answers” Questions Answered

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I woke up with the urge to help people. So I sat down to think of the best and most direct way to help the largest number of people. Volunteering or donations are generous ways to serve others and bring aid to those in need. Certainly those are some wonderful ways to help, but I wanted to go above and beyond — really think outside the collections box. Who has helped more people than anyone else? Then it came to me as clear as the cover of a magazine that has the same person on the cover of every issue. It’s probably Oprah.

That was a joke, but honestly Oprah has helped millions. But how can I, someone without training in counseling, a degree in psychology, or really any kind of official credentials, feel comfortable doling out gemstones of advice like “Live your best life!” or “John Travooolta!”? There can only be one Oprah. Seriously, she had that secret Oprah-clone project terminated when they wouldn’t stop giving people new cars and “discovering” things like bread or houndstooth.

If I can’t be Oprah, then at least I can give out my unsolicited advice, right? I mean I’m no expert, but I’m pretty good at not caring about the fact that I am no expert. Oprah says that’s the most important thing. No wait, she says the most important thing is fresh flowers/your gratitude journal/pixie cuts/love/cheese/dreamscapes/watching Oprah’s Next Chapter.

Either way, I found an outlet for my advice-giving yearns. I am going to answer all of the questions on the Yahoo Answers website. I wasn’t sure where to start, so I asked Yahoo Answers. They had no idea, but luckily I found some fake practice Yahoo Answers questions modeled on actual questions in a book from my local library. Please consider this my community service if by “community” you mean the internet and by “service” you mean playful dickishness.

1. “What song is this can anybody help me?”

You don’t describe the song, but I’m pretty good at this so let me take a stab at it. Is it featuring some guy whose name you also don’t remember? Do you remember any ridiculous details from the song’s video? Specifically, are there any aliens in the video for this song that in your follow-up question you might describe as “riding a motor board”, by which I’m assuming you mean riding a motorboat, but in actuality it is a Jet Ski?

If so, it’s a Skrillex song called “Breakin’ a Sweat”. Moreover, you are actually asking two questions here. Don’t think that slipped by me. The answer to your second question is: “Yes, I can help you.”

2. “The FIFA awards this year were a GIGANTIC pile of s—, am I right?!!!”

Yup, you are absolutely right. Now, I do not know anything about soccer, but I do know a ton about awards shows. My guess is they were a pile of something. However, I need more information. In your question you didn’t specify what ANYONE was wearing on the red carpet, so I’m going to assume they were all gowns of sewn-together soccer balls. Can you please write back with photos or drawings of these outfits? Drawings are preferable.

3. “What department should I go about sending a donation request letter to?”

This is a great question. I want you to get that completely unexplained donation request letter to the right place. You should probably start with the richest department. That would be the Fire Department because they are rich with bravery and (usually) Irish people.

4. “Whose will answer all of you questions know that I cannot?”

It appears as if you are slightly misquoting John Donne. Don’t worry it happens to everyone. Sometimes you just have to be careful with certain reprints. What he actually said was:

“No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.” 
– John Donne, excerpt from “Devotions upon Emergent Occasions”

5. “What are all the best ways to become a proffessional internet blogger?”

Becoming a professional internet blogger is an incredibly difficult task. Like being a contestant on The Biggest Loser, it takes hard work, dedication, and lots of crying. A lot of bloggers today also modify their bodies in interesting ways like carving their fingertips into spikes in order to type better. I don’t recommend that to someone just starting out.

What I do recommend — and I think you’ve already picked up on this — is that you need to set yourself apart from the millions of bloggers who are on the scene already. You’re going to need to use literally double the letter Fs that everybody else is using. If that doesn’t work, triple them. That way you can work yourself up to “fffreelance writer”.

6. Am I ruining our vacation?

If you have to ask… I mean I, myself, have never ruined a vacation. However, I have ruined a day at the beach. During my childhood we were banned from swimming at the Jersey Shore once because of a rip tide. I was a real pill about it. Mom, Dad, I am sorry for this and the time I tore a hole in the back of the couch, which I am just now realizing you don’t know about so nevermind.

Anyway, that’s your answer. Wait fifteen years from this vacation you just ruined. Then apologize to whomever you were with on the Internet somewhere they won’t see it. Protip: a ruined vacation will make you just as tan as a regular vacation, so none of this really matters.

7. Can somebody tell me why I can’t login?

You asked this question in the “Religion and Spirituality” section. This makes perfect sense to me especially because you did not explain what you are trying to log into or really anything else about your situation. Don’t worry I am a (completely unqualified) question answerer. Of all life’s greatest philosophical questions plaguing humanity, the truly greatest among them is, surely, “why can’t I log in?” Please don’t be discouraged but, like most searches for meaning and wisdom, this question is best answered with a question.

Let’s start with the basics: Do you have a computer? Are you using a cardboard box instead of a keyboard? Are you trying to log in to an ottoman? Those can be tricky. Most importantly, are you alive? I find that many ghosts are unable to log in to most things. The reason is there is no such thing as ghosts. Also, their fingers are very slippery and they have trouble remembering if their password is case-sensitive. TC mark

Laura Jayne Martin

Laura Jayne Martin is a writer living in New York City. Her work has been featured in/on McSweeney’s Internet …

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