25 Lesser-Known Doritos Flavors
1. Doritos Carbon – “Break off a piece of the Earth’s crust! Put more of what’s inside you inside you!”
2. Doritos Coolest Ranch – “This ranch was built in the middle of an ice storm in Antarctica by people in skinny jeans. The chips from this ranch are so cool that they literally know about bands that won’t form for another twenty years and are so bored of them already.”
3. Doritos Taxicab Confessions: Late Night: Drunk Munchies – “You are drunk or high so eat these chips. We’re tired of being coy.”
4. Doritos for Women – “Something just for you and the girls to snack on in between salads. Doritos for Women understands your body is different from a man’s. Your tender gullet and dainty gastric acid are simply too precious to eat the same flavored-corn snack as a dude-guy with armpit hair! Doritos for Women are composed of soy corn, soy salt, and feminine wiles. Every chip shaped like a uterus bikini bottom!”
5. Doritos Doritoes – “Toe-flavored corn chips in the shape of toes.”
6. Doritos Pledge Week – “You’ll want to snort the crumbs through a straw! ‘Cause you HAVE to, bro.”
7. Doritos Jesus’s Cheeses! – “These chips contain all of the favorite cheeses of Jesus of Nazareth, the central figure of Christianity.”
8. Doritos Tangy Pythagorean Triangles - “Fun fact: Pythagoras of Samos loved to munch. These basic chips are just right triangles whose sides form a Pythagorean triple and — despite their name — have no absolutely no flavoring. Enjoyed by algebra teachers and disturbed people everywhere!”
9. Doritos 8th Grade Dance – “They’re covered in sugar and all gone by 10 p.m.!”
10. Doritos ExtremeBlastHyperFunspolsion (discontinued) – “Eat them before they explode!”
11. Doritos Bell Biv Devoe – “These chips, unlike that girl, are not poison. Not poison, poison, p-p-p-poison.”
12. Doritos GreenvironMENTAL – “Go absolutely psycho for the Earth! These chips are made out of recycled chips and the bag is made out of moss.”
13. Real Housewives of Doritos – “These chips taste just like a white wine… thrown in your face!”
14. Doritos Midnight FoodFright - “Happy Halloween from Doritos! Wait, these aren’t Doritos at all… They’re Ghost Doritos! They look like Doritos because they’re wearing tiny orange sheets! Nope, never mind, they’re just regular Doritos. No… wait a second… there’s a finger in this bag!”
15. Ron Swanson’s Brand Name Corn Chips (Doritos Swanson) – “Bacon+Doritos-Doritos=Ron Swanson’s only approved corn chip.”
16. Doritos Milk – “Sick of all those crunchy chips that just won’t shut up? Doritos Milk are INFUSED with milk. That’s right, milk, your favorite! This is the snack you’ve been waiting for, all you milk-drinking quiet enthusiasts!”
17. Breakfast Doritos - “Not to be confused with Doritos Milk, these chips are served in a bowl of milk with an apple next to them in television commercials.”
18. Doritos XXXtra Crunchy - “Fuck your teeth.”
19. Doritos Molecular Gastronomy – “Stop saying it tastes like a sock! It just LOOKS like one from all the cool molecular gastronomic moves we did on it. It’s not a sock. It’s Doritos! We promise!”
20. DR:BK - “Artisans in our collaborative rooftop work loft in East Bushwillpoint, Brooklyn painstakingly carve flavor–staches into the top of each chip, with huge smirks on their faces.”
21. Zombie/Pirate/Ninja Doritos – “Some of these chips glow in the dark, too. We’re really just covering our bases here.”
22. Doritos: Los Angeles – “These chips are Los Angeles Crime Scene Investigators who use physical evidence to solve grisly murders in this unusually graphic drama that mixes deduction, gritty subject matter, character-driven drama, and nacho cheese.”
23. #Doritos – “Exactly 140 chips in every bag. ‘Sprinkled with narcissism and sarcasm, they’re sure to please!’ – said nobody.”
24. Doritos Old School Fiery Throwback – “These chips are handcrafted just like your grandfather and his grandfather used to make them, back in the old country where men took the time to learn the art of cheese-dusting from the age of four. Seventeen generations of Doritos apprenticeships bring you these time-honored heirloom chips with the same homemade sodium caseinate, fresh baked disodium inosinate, and corn syrup solids straight from the fields. It’s the family recipe that we’ve been using for the past 300 years. In each chip you can see the fingerprints of our ancestors — because the insane amount of preservatives in these things have literally mummified them.”
25. Doritos: ‘Live Your Best Life’ Sweet Chili Heat – “These Sweet Chili Heat Doritos sit down for several ‘Aha!’ moments with Oprah Winfrey before finally revealing that they are actually Tostitos with Lime.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”