50 Alternatives To Kissing Your Significant Other On New Year’s Eve
1. Kiss a stranger.
2. Hug a friend.
3. Hug a stranger.
4. Kiss a friend.
5. Hug a strangler. (Carefully.)
6. Kiss a Friendly’s employee. (Do you know how delicious a Fribble is? Some of it might’ve splashed on their face.)
7. Start a small business.
8. Eat 12 grapes like they do in Spain. (Carefully.)
9. Break a bottle over a strangler’s head, if they start trying to strangle you after the hug.
10. Watch fireworks.
11. Set off fireworks.
12. Tell someone they’re a firework.
13. Run a midnight ramble 5k.
14. Run from the police because consumer fireworks are illegal in NY, NJ, MA, and DE.
15. Watch the ball drop.
16. Watch the balls drop — when someone mishandles several situations.
17. High five yourself.
18. Five Alive yourself. (Feel the fruit hit.)
19. Read a book chapter.
20. Read a Brooke Shields. (Only applicable if you’re playing poker with Brooke Shields.)
21. Call your favorite relative.
22. Call your girlfriend. (It’s time you had that other talk.)
23. Call me, maybe. (Although, I’m only going to want to talk smack about Carly Rae Jepsen. We can’t BOTH have three names!)
24. Blow something — except a Vuvuzela. (Those are for Easter.)
25. Name all the dinosaurs you can think of. (Ford Taurus does not count.)
26. Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots.
27. Stop that small business you started before it becomes too powerful.
28. Makeout with some takeout.
29. Consider the lobster. (Both when ordering the takeout and reading any topically relevant essays.)
30. Check your horoscope.
31. Peruse Peru’s natural wonders on Google Earth. (No matter how much it sounds like it, this is not code for watching porn.)
32. Forgive yourself for everything. (Even for kind of believing your horoscope.)
33. Rap battle someone, win, and then DON’T drop the mic. Dropping the mic is officially 2000 and late. As is saying “2000 and late.” Those two things are so 2008, which is half a decade ago.
34. Sing the national anthem.
35. Start holding a new grudge against yourself for not remembering all the words to the national anthem. Or celebrate the fact that you still remember all the words to the national anthem by taking an encore. Realize “My Country Tis of Thee” is not the national anthem. Start all over.
36. Hold hands with a ghost.
37. Pet a cat.
38. Freak out when you realize you don’t own a cat. How the hell did that cat get in here? Did the ghost bring it? Ghost, is this your fucking cat? Why don’t you have a ghost cat?
39. Smile at a baby. (It might be difficult to find a baby at midnight on NYE. Substitutions include: chairs, cookies that look like faces, pictures of babies, and bodega owners with chubby cheeks.)
40. Tip your bartender.
41. Consult the Psychic Friends Network — for good ideas about new scams. Something tells me they’ll know.
42. Cuddle up with a good eBook. (Do not attempt to cuddle up with a periodical. They like their space.)
43. Poke someone on Facebook, or in real life if you like being punched.
45. Begin your novel. (Immediately regret this decision.)
46. Resolve to stop using so much Resolve. You don’t even have a carpet.
47. Meditate. (You could use a nap.)
48. Make a wish. (Not the same one from 11:11 p.m.)
49. Instagram something. Or better yet, stop being so lazy, get out your rolling pin, and bake a delicious batch of homemade grams from scratch.
50. Dance like nobody’s watching. (Though, just FYI, everybody is watching — you’re on a goddamn dance floor.)
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The bravest thing we could do is confront reality as it is.
Somewhere along the line it spread through the stay-at-home-mom circle that Target is the best place to bring your screaming child on a Friday morning, because they are everywhere.
2. After a minute or so of awkward conversation, everyone leaves
He thought he lost face, but instead, something awesome happened.