20 Things Mariah Carey Does Not Want For Christmas

Dec. 20, 2012
Laura Jayne Martin is a writer living in New York City. Her work has been featured on McSweeney's Internet Tendency, ...

1. Cantaloupes. (Honeydews match more of her ensembles.)

2. Diamond Puppies. (She’s tried everything, but they’re just too difficult to clean.)

3. Another hit Christmas song.

4. Another singing engagement where she sings her previously mentioned hit Christmas song.

5. Any of you assholes ruining Homeland. She is two episodes from the finale. She is watching Season Two in increments during the one hour a day that she is not at an event singing her previously mentioned hit Christmas song.

5. People to remember that she was in Glitter.

6. People to forget that she was in Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire.

7. A make-your-own seltzer machine. She’s sorry, but it just does not taste the same as Vintage.

8. A head cold courtesy of freezing temperatures and a plunging neckline at the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree lighting. What the hell? Is Al Roker suddenly too busy to control the weather of the Today Show plaza? Maybe he should cut back on all those guest appearances for the “big storm episode” on every sitcom. That dude does more cameos than Cameo (which actually is not that many because Cameo has not been a band since the mid-1980s). Whatever, you’re still slipping, Roker.

9. To have to seem excited about singing yet ANOTHER duet of her previously mentioned hit Christmas song.

11. The climate control in her closest to fail. Do you know how expensive chocolate shoes are?

12. Your grandpa to call her “Maria” when he sees her on TV in the Disney Christmas Parade.

13. Jewels. (That includes: “Crown,” “of India,” and genetic clones of the singer/songwriter.)

14. To have anyone hit on her ever again using a line from “Fantasy.” That includes but is not limited to: “Oh when you walk by every night/ Talking sweet and looking fine/
I get kind of hectic inside.”

15. Richard Branson to start enforcing his “rules” about drinking red wine on the daybed in his Bali cabana or just general “trespassing.”

16. Anything from Etsy. But she especially does not want another personalized woodcarving that says, “Mariah means the wind.”

17. Starbucks giftcard. Does she look like an administrative assistant?

18. A Lexus with a giant red bow on it. Are you even remotely aware how difficult it is to get a ¼ inch thick, twenty-foot long ribbon off of a car body? It’s like, “Merry Christmas, here I got you a problem.”

19. Any one of those keen young reality douche-bags to say that they “grew up listening to her music.” That includes contestants on The Voice, The Throat, American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, So You Think You Can Shoop, Extended Ford Commercial with Singing, The Glee Project, Step Up: Shrieking, There Might Be Someone Left with Talent, Best America’s Hottest Singers at British Chest Hair, Top Chair, The High School of Vocalizing Vampires, Los Angeles, or FOX’s newest show Yet-to-be-Titled Exploitative Ratings-Grab that Doesn’t Need Writers.

20. A lot. TC mark

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Laura Jayne Martin

Laura Jayne Martin

Laura Jayne Martin is a writer living in New York City. Her work has been featured on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, …

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