Minutes From The NYC Fashion Week 2012 Model Congress
9:00 a.m. The meeting is called to order.
9:15 a.m. The entire legislative body executes the traditional fashionably late entrance.
9:16 a.m. The meeting is called to order, again.
9:18 a.m. Hair and make-up touch ups.
9:30 a.m. Pledge of allegiance to the bag.
9:35 a.m. DEBATE on Model Congress Res. 1620: Plans for The Victoria’s Secret Angels Interstate Memorial Runway.
9:36 a.m. Amendment offered by Rep. from California, Ms. Kim Kardashian. She issues a very specific course of action: “Imma let The Victoria’s Secret Angels Interstate Memorial Runway finish [being built], but the TransAmerican Sports Illustrated Memorial Runway is one of the best memorial runways of all time.”
9:38 a.m. Rep. from Massachusetts, Ms. Gisele Bündchen seconds the motion.
9:40 a.m. Rep. Heidi Klum dissents, pleading with her peers that there be absolutely no more “Projects Runway.”
9:41 a.m. Rep. Billy Zane interjects “Question: aren’t all of the Victoria’s Secret Angels still alive?”
9:42 a.m. Rep. Claudia Schiffer “Probably.”
9:43 a.m. Rep. Naomi Campbell: “’Memorial’ just means ‘something to preserve remembrance.’ Don’t cloud the issue with frivolous questions and other needless distractions. There’s important work to be done here, Billy Zane.”
9:45 a.m. The entire House of Dior abstains from voting due to the fact that they are currently attending a secret loft party.
9:50 a.m. Freshman Model Congress representatives Sean O’Pry, Joan Smalls, Miranda Kerr, and Karlie Kloss join Rep. Klum in dissent, adding that they are all too hot and young to understand any of these references so far.
9:55 a.m. The freshman reps take the floor to make the following statement: “We’d like to make a joint statement on behalf of the Present-day Models Caucus. You are all aware that, although we are naturally intelligent people, as current industry-favorite models we are required to be beautiful automatons. We must literally be walking human shells that contain a magical newborn baby who operates our bodies from the inside. These youth-giving magical infants, while rendering us ageless throughout our careers, are alienated by your old people discussion. They/we find your stale pop culture references and jokes, many from as early as 2005, to be not only an affront to our hyper-youth, but also, an unproductive miasma preventing forward movement on these issues. We now yield the floor.”
10:00 a.m. The Hon. Speaker Timothy Gunn speaks before the Model Congress addressing the need for “immediate sanctions against Capri pants. It’s time to stop their wholesale destruction of ensembles. And before any of you ask, yes, they look just as bad if you pay retail.”
10:15 a.m. The Capri pants issue is tabled pending input from Chief Justice Michael Kors, who will most likely call them: “tacky garments that make people look like Centaur bricklayers who eat bowls of warm noodles.” Mr. Kors is absent from these proceedings because he is attending a second, even more secret, loft party for which the first, and aforementioned, loft party was just a diversion.
10:25 a.m. Ms. Donatella Versace laid her case before the 2012 Model Congress. She inexplicably wouldn’t pick it up for like five minutes.
11:00 a.m. SPECIAL ORDER SPEECHES from the members of the Hand Model Caucus protesting the marginalization of hand models.
11:01 a.m. Motion to suspend speeches until the next year’s session agreed to, with objection from the Hand Model Caucus.
11:04 – 11:59 a.m. Voguing.
12:00 p.m. Recess for lunch.
12:01 p.m. The Model Congress reconvenes.
12:02 Recess for texting, pouting, caffeinated beverages, looking into the distance with mouths slightly agape, touchups, and reading and analyzing the collected works of James Joyce.
1:15p.m. The Model Congress reconvenes.
1:30 p.m. Ms. Tyra Banks motions for everyone to “remember when I was on Fresh Prince of Bel Air?”
2:00 p.m. Rep. from Germany Ms. Heidi Klum amends Ms. Banks motion to add that was “f-cking crazy.” Ms. Klum then promises a spread in Elle magazine and a Saturn Sky Roadster to all who support her amendment. Ms. Klum then recanted that offer, claiming, “Old habits die hard.”
2:01 p.m. An unknown rep. simultaneously coughs and shouts “Bravo!”
2:02 p.m. Ms. Klum looks unamused.
2:45 p.m. The Model Congress agrees by voice vote that it was f-cking crazing that Tyra Banks was ever on Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
3:00 p.m. DEBATE: The Model Congress proceeded with ninety minutes of debate on stipulations in Model Congress Resolution 3441, which decides how many motion picture credits are required before a “model/actor” can exchange their title for “actor/model” — or resorb the “model” title altogether, like a vanishing twin.
3:15 p.m. There is a motion by Rep. of Boston Mr. Mark Wahlberg to amend the resolution to included “rapper/model/actors.”
3:30 p.m. The Wahlberg Amendment passes and is added to Model Congress Resolution 3441 or “MCR 3441: The One with All the Slashes.”
4:00 p.m. Donatella Versace motions to Mark Wahlberg.
4:04 p.m. Rep. Versace delivered one-minute speech regarding Rep. Wahlberg’s abdominal muscles.
4:24 p.m. Rep. Wahlberg motions to restrain Rep. Versace.
4:27 p.m. Rep. Versace motions that Rep. Wahlberg, “Get out of here before I love you too much!”
4:29 p.m. Motion by Rep. Tyra Banks that Donatella Versace be formally recognized as the “craziest bitch in the room.”
4:30 p.m. “MC Resolution 1559: That Donatella Versace Be Formally Recognized as the Craziest Bitch in the Room” passes, unanimously.
4:31 p.m. Motion by Rep. Versace for the Model Congress to “GET OUT!”
5:01 p.m. Rep. Mr. Tyson Beckford moved that the Model Congress do now adjourn.
Motion has passed.
The Model Congress is adjourned. The next meeting is scheduled for 9:00 a.m. on February 10, 2013.
A | A | A
He’d laugh when you tell him you need to tweet and he’d just roll his eyes when you scroll through your newsfeed before bed.
Guys need to relearn who women really are.
Esquire just posted a list called “12 Authors Every Man Must Know.” With entries like Stephen King and Philip Roth, it was the most phoned-in list I’ve read recently…
I could feel the effort, I could feel the emotion, and it made me happy.